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It’s a beautiful sunny day and D has some friends over for brunch. My room, on the other hand, is cold despite opening the windows and the day is dragging despite everything. I’ve been reading and I’m still reading but a written update was in order, at least to air out some things.
C and I got into another argument last night, on account of me mentioning certain things that he doesn’t do when I open up to him in a conversation. He considers listening to me and offering solutions in a very practical manner to my emotional problems a sufficient and enough way of showing he cares. I told him I know he cares but he’s behaving like a friend rather than a boyfriend, which I still appreciate, but that got him upset. The rest of the conversation seemed to be a replay of our previous issues. He claims I have the wrong idea of what a boyfriend is. When I asked him what he thought a boyfriend does he answered that he simply offers security and provisions. So the girlfriend is the one who provides the emotional care. Usually, it’s for the baby but since there won’t be a baby in our case, then my emotional energy is supposed to be invested in the man, the pets, and the house itself, making it a home. You see, what brings me happiness is “creating the nest”. I said that he reduced me to a biological human female without any regard to our emotional and mental bond or my sense of individuality but he claimed he was looking at the bigger picture.
It’s like a broken record, really. He’s so minimally expressive compared to me and gets upset and feels unappreciated when I point it out, saying men aren’t emotional creatures, and that I have a very wrong idea if I expect them to express emotion. I pointed out that I’ve seen men compliment their partners, call them up to hear their voice, ask for a picture or a video call because they miss seeing their faces, say things like “I’m crazy about you”, and “you’re amazing” and “I love you”, and no one thought any less of them. To that he replied that that sounds to him like being in love and not being in a state of mature love. I said him playing a hardass emotional ‘macho’ man and making me doubt his emotions for me is not mature love. He denied behaving that way.
Sometimes I ask questions because I notice he answers some of them indirectly. One answer leads to a bigger statement that I then need him to clarify, and it’s driving us both insane because of how frustrating it is, I know, but in the middle of all that talk I can’t just cut and end it. HE can, he seems fine with running away. When I asked him what about calling someone amazing not mature love, he replied that it’s about the newness of it. Meeting someone new feels amazing. So then I asked whether he doesn’t see me as an amazing individual because he’s used to me, that’s when he called me hopeless and that he’s going to bed.
Maybe half an hour after that talk ended I kept thinking about him lying in bed, upset and angry and frustrated and I couldn’t help but feel horrible. There was a reason for this recurring fight though, there was a reason many of my emotions weren’t going away. EVERYONE sends me signals in the way they talk to me, most of all him. So I sat up, grabbed my phone and recorded an audio message for him, mostly for him to hear how my tone wasn’t loud and angry and aggressive. I started with apologizing for his current emotions, but instead of naming the points I highlighted in my head it ended up being a 14-minute-long message of me opening up about him being passive and how he is just getting further and further away from me to the point that it’s getting harder for me to read him. I faltered and felt incredibly insecure, but I was honest and vulnerable still. I concluded with saying I won’t text him and that I’ll just give him his space, and that I loved him.
I fell asleep hours later, at around 4 am or so, woke up at 7 and despite being so exhausted, I couldn’t go back to sleep. At 9:27 I get a message from him, a sound I didn’t expect so early in the day. It said, “Leave me alone today.”
Well, I did ask him to be assertive.
I have this unbelievable desire to give up, but knowing myself and how deeply our history goes, I probably won’t. There’s the feeling that I’m constantly keeping this anger at bay; that the only reason it’s in check is because I’m too tired to do anything about it. There aren’t that many options left, really.
My heart is done for.