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2021-03-29 18:34:40 (UTC)

Death by a Thousand Cuts

I've been thinking a lot today, and last night. I felt compelled to read some old entries, which is something I've never really done. I guess I wanted to see how far I've come and how my life has changed since I began writing here back in 2018. Time flies, man. I knew when I did start writing here that this would become a permanent crutch for me, whether I used it every day or intermittently, I knew I could always seek refuge here and clear my mind. I was talking to somebody about breakups last night which naturally made me think of my ex and various scenarios that transpired between us during the dying days. I haven't thought about her in a long time, it was a chapter that desperately needed closing and I knew when that 9 year relationship was coming to a close, it was right. I remember it vividly when it collapsed and we both stood in the hallway of our flat just hugging each other tightly and crying; it was acceptance. I knew it wasn't right to fight for the relationship anymore, despite what people tell you about fighting for what you love, what you believe in, or even your right to party. Sometimes you just have to call it a day. The relationship had died, died to a thousand cuts. An accumulation of a ton of bad shit done by both parties and it wouldn't have been right to try and preserve it purely because it was our first relationship and the longevity of it. We had to save each other by letting go of each other.

My mum told me sometime in January that she was engaged now, which is great for her. I assume my mum still follows her on social media or whatever. But yeah, I'm pleased for her. I don't think we'll ever talk again and there is something sad about knowing somebody for that long and never speaking to them again, but we hurt each other pretty bad and it doesn't seem like reconnecting or having another conversation would hold many positives. It was just a chapter in both of our lives that had to come to a close. Now the ink is dry and we have both moved on and we're happy with other people, which is something I never thought I could say or imagine. I didn't ever plan or want to pursue another relationship after the downfall of this one. I just know that I'm a better person now. I have a better frame of mind, a better outlook on life and I just want more out of my life.

The demise of the relationship has put me in the position that I am in today. I went back and did my GCSE's in 2018, I did the access course in 2019 and now I'm closing in on my first year of university completed. This was never a possibility had I remained in that relationship. We lived together, we had bills to pay. It would have been retail for life. I had no direction or vision. I suppose the sad truth is, I was content just bumming around and working retail and then playing video games in my free time and eventually neglecting my ex girlfriend due to situations that inevitably made our relationship really toxic and bitter. I think it's important to end this entry on a high though because things did work out for the best, when it never seemed like they could. Life starts now and all that, you know? Life is good.


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