chae

from my heart
2021-03-28 20:27:26 (UTC)

money problems

9:27 pm

the thought of death lingers around my head more often lately. i want to rid of the bad thoughts yet they constantly knock in my head and invite themselves over uninvited.

as you get older, money becomes more important. 1,000 is a number that looks like infinity as a child but as an adult, its nothing more than a mere dollar. everything starts to become the same as you grow up because curiosity is not allowed and so are big dreams. you have to face reality or else youll be laughed at for being ridiculous.

i think about my worth in terms of dollars. i count up every possible big expenses i can remember. it is overwhelming to think too much about my worth because i realize that every day is expensive. i have 10,000 saved right now. i dont think it is a good thought that i think about me working to just repay my mom back for when i die. i dont think im worth a lot so i feel bad that i take so much.

i cant help but take deep sighs and unintentionally wish i was dead. i feel terrible because i know there are people out there that would die to live. yet, i take everything for granted knowing that i do.

i am not a good person. i am not happy. i dont deserve second chances. i need to disappear.

all i want to do is lay in bed and do nothing. i dont want to interact with people.

if i really wanted to repay myself in terms of worth, i would just have to sell my heart, lungs, eyes, every single valuable part of me but im too scared to even do that. i am so frustrated with myself and yet i feel too numb to have any true feelings.


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