If I die today
Ad 2:
2021-03-24 06:01:55 (UTC)

not today

Didnt get as much sleep as I hoped for I layed there restless from like 6 till around 830 i think I finally closed my eyes but I was soo beat. well i dont know not much to say its all kinda blah I want to go back to my life and just start a schedule again and not worry about having to adapt should i ever co-habit with my man bc I cant count on that happening and crap whats the rush and I think it wouldnt hurt to kick his butt out before 8 everyday anyhow. I just cant handle the hours and its not for any profit nothings going to happen with our relationship and there really not a rush one day at a time Ill play boyfriend girlfriend but idk about htis long term shit bc longterm now looks bleeak . not worth losing my sanity or health over thou. He did a few things right yesterday by me we didnt get together in the evening and Idk what to make of that but we're not married and I didnt really want anything I was just tired and crappy feeling. Getting walmart delivery this morning so I had to be awake super early bc well I'm speciall and take hours to wake up but I'm there I can be ready by 8 for the delivery. NOt sure whats up with chores today might avoid outside bc wind and Lord knows I need to cathc up on somethings. I'm sick of this c-19 bs ok so now you get aa free doughnut if you take the jab well if the jab doesnt get yea least you can gain 15lbs and get diabities. Come on people is this how we promote health? And how is it right that the vaxers get all the ammedities but those who cannnot shouldnt or wouldnt bc ofhealth reasons are all put to shame on the back burner offered nothing. I'm sorta sad about nDea bc I know he wants to get the shot for C and IDK if thats his OLNY reason or not but I worry IDK when hes gonna do it or if he will even tell me when but I can always pray not but I'm such as ass IDK where my prayers going and I'm focused hard on this realtionship so even in praying my minf bounces back to what too do about the situation, Im just wanting to take it easy and be very careful with what I say or imply with commitmentments. Maybe he will scratch me. IDk I just cant see how things are going long term .drama I suppose but I cant talk to or tell anyone bc well let me not embarss myself again with just another scheme he's a notch in my belt my bad habbit. Feeling ok I guess physically cant complain to much Today is yLindse she is taking me today . I should pay my bill for spectrum and IDK see from there what I need want and what my issue is still no sign of my stimulus but time will tell and tbh I have debt so I shouldnt count on it. Oh my dream the night before last had nKevin rGeldmache in it he's an old friend I lost to my drama and shannaginces I guess IDK still cant tell you what went wrong but I think he was in a loveles relationship with his wife yMar who he had an autistic special needs son with I think they lived with his parents. In my dream I rember his mom welcoming me to some holiday I showed up unexspected then My dad picking me up getting offered food first and some tension between me and him.. IDK thats the basics. I feel bad useless embarssed ashamed alone and lazy. I dont want to be so lazy I think I really am the epitimy of lazy so I need to correct that . I guess this is life and another day ahead. i dont feel super thankful today I dont wanna die but meh I feel stupid for living just wanna be connected to someone have a reall connection and contrubition to life. I had wanted for so long to be hosptitable and look at how when I got this apartment I soo mispercived I screwed up thee furinture.. I cant host anone reasonably sad thing is I like most my furniture. but yea get it I suck. I dont know if I want to hang with nDea today or not IDK if he's even gonna offer but I dont wanna push myself on him or even try for the role of wife or housewife I just dont see him making that a priorty over that dingbat he has to choosen to let run his life and cohabitat with . I wanted to be a housewife thou so Idk now I feel a little trapped myself but not as bad as nDea bc I know one day Ill just cut loose snap loose my morality and tell him off and be done with the shit but a relationship needs time so its unreasonable that I ever exspected to be looking at places to live with someone in the 3rd month of relaionship but maybe after my birthday Ill free myself. One of us is going to be free

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