my life is a mess that i can't escape
2021-03-23 19:50:27 (UTC)

mentally recessive

Not about my biological appearance, but sometimes I think that I'm a mentally recessive person. I always keep something and lie about my mental health, daily mood, etc. Some days ago, my father told me that I don't like shining and I'm weak. Then, I wanted to tell everything when I need to. For example, I tried to say my mother that I don't want to eat much things for the breakfast. It wasn't a good idea. Now, I'm not still telling everything unnecessary. Because I don't want to hear the words which feels me like my opinions are ignored. So, I started do define myself "mentally recessive".
Today was my grandmother's birthday. I was the only one who remembered it. I reminded it to my mother, and she made a cake. I don't like making cakes, because I hate the noise of the mixer. But I had to help her, and she saw my unpleasant face while mixing the cream. She talked about how she tired is and I felt very guilty. I went to my room, and continued to study. I solved function tests while crying. Because there was a lot of topic, and I should have completed all of them within a week. I was going to be at my grandmother's home tonight. I didn't have online classes today, but I lied to her. I wanted to go there late, because I was going to complete my study plan for today. Of course, she believed to me and I was able to complete my studies, except chemistry.
My grandmother's birthday was great. Because she is too old to remember her birthday. Her happiness was perfect. Of course, my other cousins didn't remember this date until I reminded. My grandmother doesn't make this a problem, but I don't want grandchildren like my cousins in the future. Isn't it nonsense, if we weren't relatives, probably I'd hate my cousins. But now I have to love them because we are relatives?
After the party, I've just learnt that my exams are delayed to May. That means, I'll have lots of time to study and complete my homework, especailly phiolosophy term paper. By the way, I haven't been struggling with it for 2 days.
I must make a new plan for tomorrow, because as a student I must adapt and accept the changes easily. That isn't easy, but I can't tell this to my parents.

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