If I die today
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tired of sleepin on the couch
didndt sleep great last night . Hoping for better tonight. I smoked marijauna is all I smoke a bit yesterday well I mean I really made an effort and at almost 9 after nDea left I took a flexeril. Yesterday afternoon I thought I was getting sick I was exhausted had a bout of direhua and back pain but I ate some chicken soup and then coffee and smoked and IDk i was in better shape quickly.. A lot of sex yeterday it was a longer time then we usally do certin poaints thou were triggering cramps so I may be actually having a health problem?.. Anyhow todays the best runnin day Idk if I'm going to make it or not I was pretty restless for sleep a few night terrors and I didnt actually get off thoe courch till 8. With nDea I want him and I care but IDK what he wants and in brief talking its like he's sayin IF we live together now and IF were still together so anyhow . My apartment makes things rough bc the furniture so I often take my bed up when Im exspecting him and pull it out for sex if we head tha way but some nights I just dont put my bed outbc I dont want to pick it up in the morning but you know what I dont give a rats ass I dont need to accomadate him anymore. I'm sure he's in a rough spot and doing what he can but this other woman obvisouly has a hold on him and he said she's not going to move and IDK what to tell him or sugguest but as things stand I just am enjoying to the ride I am not investing in us. Its not worth my time or money or attention. I guess I need courage to boldy put that out there to him that this bullsh!t with her is redicoulos and now I wonder about us but I'm defintly not wasting my resources on him. He puts a lot of time engery and effort into me but I"m not putting an ounce into our future anymore and im not pretending anymore. I guess I get what I signed up for. I could get more comfortable furutire or practial things for us when I have wiggle room in the budget but shit there may not be us in 3 weeks Guess thats all I should exspect after a 2month relationship anyway. I dont want him to be an emergency contact but he's welcome to be involved in my care and death as a VIP he's up there but shit I cant invest my life for him . Maybe I'm misunderstanding. And ps he's never asked me to put up my bed but I am aware he needs a back support and dont get my goat going on how I f'd up furnishing my apartement I'm a joke just in general. I dont want anything or need anythine just have to gaurd myself and realise what is at hand. Maybe I'm misunderstanding maybe not but whens the time to talk about probaly after well a year of wahtevver I guess I can plan on just renewing my leases next year. Theres no room for this shit in the budget. Im not exspecting him to offer me a vacation or take me anywhere as far as a trip while he's with her and this is reality. I love who he is and Im not doubting him but I doubt us now so theres my reality check. One thing at a time and maybe Ill just let it fade. It hurts I never felt this way toward anyone and he treats me golden but IDk he is being devoured by her so I loose while I dont wanna hate her if his verison of how things are is true she's obvisouly a narssictic bitch but perhaps as said maybe its not all what I think he is trying to express perhaps theres more than I know or percieve and he could be suggesting one thing and me hearing another that happens. IDK He has invensted a lot in me physcially emotion monatarly already but the future is whatever.