marielmia

Mariel is MIA
2021-03-22 07:31:47 (UTC)

A hot shower and some weekend reflections

OMG, how I needed that shower! The second weekend in the tent was worse than the first, although M did make some improvements to my arrangements. There's a big difference between 75 and 65 degrees. A second and bigger wool blanket and a makeshift cell inside the tent for me and Rott's to share. The forced time I spend in training with Rotts has made me less insecure around him and he is more accepting of me. His contribution to the warmth of our cell is appreciated.

I have to say, the weekends have been difficult. I didn't realize how boredom colors everything. My only outlets have been my phone with one charge per day and the time M sets out to train us. Both weekends, he took me golfing, so there was that. It's not that I like golf, but it was an appreciated diversion. The institutional gray paper dress caught lots of eyes, but I suppose that was the point. At least I was afforded the luxury of panties while away from home. Unfortunately, civility stops at the back yard and I was yanked back to the earthy days of a primitive. The effect was not lost on me, nor the other two.

The rest of the afternoons, I'm tethered to Rottie. 10 feet of yellow nylon rope. M has enforced the no comforts of home rule, with the only exception of dinners, which we cook out together and is the best time we share. The fire pit was absolutely delicious. 65 degrees is pretty uncomfortable when your not dressed for it, meaning not dressed at all.

M's carnality has been more aggressive but equally more exciting for me. For whatever reason, I've always associated pain with good sex. There was no disappointment here. I have been less and less distracted by his beast I share space with. Perhaps he is more accustomed to M and my love making as his growls have been replaced by the occasional bark, but mainly silence and that eerie greenish glow of his eyes. He no longer keeps a distance, which I wonder is protective or acceptance.

The nights were cold, even with the extra blanket. I asked to wear the paper dress, but he denied me, noting the dress was solely for me being presentable outside the confines of the yard. For his benefit really. Not mine.

I awoke at 5 this morning. M was already up. He supervised what he calls my awakening activity and after, happily for me, allowed me entry to the house. I have a late day at work today as I have to stay late to support some webinar one of the legals is giving. That allowed me the luxury of a hot shower.

My shower time lets me get away from my day to day- allows me to think. Am I happy? Is my direction consistent with where I want to be? I feel I am changing. Alone in my private confessional shower, I admitted to myself that I did give M the keys to all that is valuable about me. While I see myself as ever more comfortable with the arrangement, there is that small worry. Have I given up too much or rather have I put myself on the road to giving up too much? I have changed at lot and feel so confident in my choice right now, even more so that my meds are in order and I feel a stability I rarely have. But is it ok to have the slightest of doubt? Food for the therapist tomorrow, I suppose.

xoxo, Mariel




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