Living Without Lighting
2021-03-19 08:50:20 (UTC)

Current Affiars

Is the title because there's nothing that's truly stood out over the past two days. I've yet to call back the liquor store man, and at this point I wouldn't be surprised if he sees me as just an unreliable flake. This sucks ass, because just tonight I found out that a store I've been filling out an application for seems to be run by some condescending egomaniac, according to a post on social media.

As for the "panic-attack" thing (I just had one thinking about the liquor store) I talked to my therapist about it and he believes it's something else. It could very well be just some sort of physical coping mechanism that I've developed in response to my anxieties. I'm considering if I should document these fits as they happen in the future, or instead just let them be some embarrassing anecdote and keep them at that.

As for the job thing again, I'm starting to become a little worried. That Liquor Store gig was a golden opportunity and at this point I'm sure I've blown it. Maybe if I call tomorrow, with some pitiful excuse the man whose name I got wrong for two years will give me a second chance? College is five months away, and I've got to make sure I can pay off most of my housing. In addition, what I won't admit to my parents, is that I'm really looking to make myself a small fortune that I can use during my time away. Think of it like the money Harry's parents left him in Gringott's as he went off to Hogwarts, that sort of thing. Either way, thirteen hours a week isn't going to make me enough to pay off my housing, let alone my Harry Potter money.

Hopefully the following few days will bring some clarity, just typing this stuff out has got me really worried. I was going to work on a video, but with the stress I'm feeling maybe it's better to take it out on some Battlefront 2 instead. The galaxy isn't going to conquer itself, after all. An hour of that, and I'll settle down with another horror audiobook.


Speaking of horror audiobooks, I recently listened to "The Great God Pan" and sadly it didn't impress me that much. On one hand, it's noted to be one of the founding novels of the horror genre but at the same time I feel that it lacks what makes early horror so great. Instead of establishing environmental atmosphere, like Lovecraft does with his overly-detailed settings, the author (Arthur Machen) relies too heavily on the character's reactions to the events that happen to them. The story is essentially about this lady who has the ability to see into the spirit realm, and through mysterious practices gives men around London the same ability and as a result they kill themselves. Furthermore, we find out that what she sees is literally the Ancient Greek god Pan, the satyr with goat legs that rules over nature or something. While I found the initial narrative of him in the book to be spooky, at the same time I can't help but think that for a horror monster it's kind of silly. I guess in some aspects it can be seen as representative of satan, however at the same time of all depictions he's a prancing fawn? That ain't the spirit world you're tripping on, it's just mushrooms man...

Anyways I think that's about it for tonight. Until next time.