2021-03-17 11:15:02 (UTC)

A Rocky River but a River Nonetheless

I’ve written well in my notebook diary the past few days. It offered a unique kind of solace, not because what I wrote was top secret but because lack of judgement was a guarantee. I may have started to let go of the obsession and worry of recording every moment as it happens. It’s been much healthier to experience something to its fullest then document it in hindsight. You’d think that’s obvious but not always.

Still, regarding last Thursday; as I mentioned before, I visited E. I knew from the get go that this visit was more for him than for me. It was good to be out and see friends but I also wanted to be there for him because of what he’d gone through. I arrived at his place; he’d hardly just woken up but was glad I came. He talked and gave me updates while one of his cats got comfortable in my lap. He told me about remaining friends with L and getting closure. He’s still in the hopes of getting her back one day but I think he’s accepting the fact that the both of them might have to move on with their lives. He’s less sad than he used to be, he told me. As a change of mood, he asked me about myself and I mentioned someone had declared his love for me a few months back. That was when I picked up on the fact that E was only half-attentive. When that happens with someone, I get completely self-conscious and worry I might be boring or be a burden. So I cut the conversation short and refrained from talking about what really occupies my mind most of the time. Instead we took a walk and eventually sat at a café where L joined us later. It was nice seeing her again. Though, despite managing a conversation with her, it didn’t take long before I felt like a third wheel. E still loved her so, naturally, all of his attention was on her even in the most meaningless conversations. I reverted back to my inner quiet place and simply smiled and responded accordingly as I listened. I was anxious to leave them alone at that point. Luckily, not long after I had to go.

In the moment, my emotions were suspended. It was a day after that I noticed I was harboring some feeling of resentment for being discarded. It’s a selfish reaction, obviously, and I can’t blame them for it. It’s so natural that one would prefer the company of a romantic partner. Otherwise, they’re not doing it right. It does, however, strengthen my need for isolation. My own romantic partner is so far away that certain gestures are hard for him to make. Asking C for emotional validation is one of the hardest things I could possibly attempt to do, particularly with all this distance between us, and with years of knowing each other to sap from whatever passion may have remained. Logically, I want to refrain from reaching that point in which I feel so needy and desperate for affection that it disrupts our communication. I figured, I’d rather deal with my loneliness on my own than face the disappointment of not being able to be comforted by the people I expect to want to do that for me. At least for the time being, I might have to be content with my loneliness.

It’s not a hopeless cause though. I want to think that I’m doing better at being alone. There’s been this constant awareness of the barriers I have with people, the differences in thought, in perception, and comprehension. After a certain point, receiving criticism encouraged me to adapt to those around me, even if it’s simply for the sake of not receiving criticism anymore. But there will always be criticism, there will always be someone who will claim the moral high ground because I’ll always be misunderstood, misjudged, or disbelieved. I might as well keep my inner domain of calm and silence and vivid imaginings. I might as well be unapologetically myself. You see, where there was pain-filled fear of loneliness, there is now acceptance. The more I know myself, the more confident I am in who I am and what I do. So, I’m breathing better now, in general. I’m less gripped by crippling hurt.

Surely, that counts for something, right?

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