Nick's Journal
2021-03-16 18:44:00 (UTC)

6 Months Sober

actually my six month sobriety anniversary was on Friday. but I haven't gotten down to writing until today. I just had the second round of interviews for this great job. I really hope I get it. I used to daydream a lot. I don't anymore. I don't allow myself to think about how nice it would be to get this job. I don't know, I don't know why. daydreaming is supposed to be good for you. I used to do it a lot. not so much anymore.

sometimes I cry in the shower. well cry is too strong a word for it. let's just say I get my depressed time in the shower. it is when I think about all the chaos, loss and destruction my addiction has caused me. I don't dare let my sadness show in everyday life. I'm afraid it may scare my parents who are always concerned and worried when they see any sign that isn't of the utmost positivity. they've been through so much, I can't really blame them.

six months. completely clean and sober. no weed, no abuse of prescription meds and most of all, no alcohol. it is really sad but this may be the longest I have been completely clean and sober in maybe 15 years. it feels...normal. equanimity is the word I'd use. rather than the highs and lows associated with drug and alcohol use I can count on a pretty constant baseline. sure, some days are tougher than others (sometimes I am more tired, like today) but some days are also better than others. and some days are just days that will fade into oblivion never to be remembered so remote to not even be forgotten.

I read a bedtime story to my nephew last night. he is one. he is a little man baby. he was so cute last night. he was snuggled up into my chest in just his diapers, his little pot belly jutting out from all the milk he had just imbibed. and as he drowsily watched the pages as I read to him from goodnight moon I wished that only the good things in life will come to him and that none of the bad will ever befall him. I'm sure most, if not all, parents wish they could shield their precious children from the vicissitudes of daily adult life. the sadness, the difficulties.

but life is not all sadness and difficulty. it is beauty and awe and a mystery waiting to be explored. life is not something to shy away from, something to hide from inside the bottom of a bottle or pill jar. it is not something that you blunt with myriad different potions, chemicals, concoctions and elixirs. it really does not need the enhancement of weed, LSD, or ecstasy. it should not be viewed as dangerous, scary, vile, or painful. there is no such thing as natural right or wrong, or nature caring or not caring about you. there is just blind indifference. a universe that frankly doesn't care.

but what there is in that vacuum is you. a person who, as far as I am convinced, can control what your life will become. life doesn't just happen to you unless you let it. it is so very hard to make life into what you want it. it takes time and energy and dedication and perseverance to make life, nature and the cosmos bend to your will. and if it refuses to bend or break to your will it takes even more time and energy and dedication and perseverance to make the best out of life and most importantly how you view it. your perception on life and how you choose to view it is the real key to your happiness.

the guilt I feel about my past and the culpability I feel will never go away, but I can mold it into something positive. I will likely never be able to make things right with my ex. I will never get the chance to show her the sober me. sometimes I feel like I just became an adult 6 months ago and I have already lost the love of my life. I am 39 and have gained and lost more than a care to admit. it pains me that I cannot make the past right. but it is okay. it is okay because it has to be okay because if it is not okay then I can't be okay and if I'm not okay I can never move on and I will always be mired in pain, remorse, regret and guilt. languishing in the confines of a broken soul rather than trying to slowly mend that soul.

for that is what I am trying to do on my 6 month anniversary of sobriety. mend my broken soul. live my best life. and enjoy the life I have in all its beauty, wonder, and indifference to this infinitesimal speck of human reality.