If I die today
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2021-03-16 05:45:00 (UTC)

shamefull lush

My boyfriend playful or lovely sent me a good night text last night that said good night I love you my lush. I made one vodka and cranberry yesterday for myself while we visited here I invited him for coffee after work. I made coffee of course that was my whole intent and then I had a drink he wanted to get more comfortable we played Jenga then the sex. There was quailty time with that of course and stuff but I just feel so fucked up like I cant straighten out my life it was one drink but it was probaly equal parts vodka and cran to be fair. Ugh this is my life. I feel physically fine I want to run today. I slept from 10 till 123 I woke up my phone next to my head so that coulda beenthe problem then just before 3 I was up and praying thru about 3oclock (the witching hour) then well here I am my coffee is made and in hand I already watched branch together it was about 16minutes today revelation 16 or whatevver today is Iv had some beets but my yogurt and raisens are near since well I'm outta fresh fruit Im using rasins. meal planning today is so tempting to just ask nDea to feed me the chicke legs I put down yesterday are still really frozen so I didnt wanna mess with starting the crock pot and well i dont have much on hand ready to eat as far as meat other than tuna fish but I have lentil speghetti I can make mashed potoes I still need to use Plenty of frozen veggies. I have options. Oh last night I started smashing my teeth into each other grinding real tight just before sleep so I tried to prevent it but I'm sure i was grinding which causes me problems. I'm just embarssed about well I guess other people dont see me at all how I want to be but this is what I've become and becoming.. a lush.. its not who I want to be . Running today should be good somewhere to embrase my focus I should just go ahead and cook myself lunch and dinner if I'm having dinner. I gotta make some changes to myself. If I die today well crap I've been polluting my one body real good and just being well a useless piece of flesh. so plenty of places to look I'm kinda mad and sad ashamed at myself but also thinking I can still have hope for me to change. I intend to keep nDea in my life as my love as long as he wants me. We keep talkign about forever and he's a great partner so guess thats basicly my family. and I keep forgetting last week ok if I do die I've been misrepresetning my friends I like to throw out there noone ever calls or text but I' mean nKathlee texted me last week, eAnn has been in touch, Ylindse I get group text from iPatt and crew so I think I'm not being fair in accusing everyone else and being bitter.