Who Is To Say
four years, feels like a fog, neurons melted where some memories should be, but the feeling remains.
and i've been trying to fight this fog. but now i think my brain is trying to embrace it. and instead of having a very negative feeling which i initially projected i would, it's helped me observe more of my thoughts.
but it's hard to dig into your own mind. your brain will go through its network, just like a computer, determining how many associations and which and where and retrieving them almost instantly.
they say things are hard. things are challenging. i wonder how many of these things are actually challenging because people have told me to believe, and i never asked otherwise. now i realize why my identity has been starting to fall apart, and a new one is taking hold. a molten phoenix slowly burning with flames i can't control.
a year ago, i would've said something self-loathing or negative to my thoughts and reactions. but now i can realize when they come into play and i can symbolize those feelings. i can take a deep breath. i can let go.
though sometimes i t feels like there's a lot of forces at play too. a lot more than i realized. and it's exhausting dealing with it constantly. but i'll make the ends meet. i always do.