If I die today
end of times
We lost an hour last night for daylight savings so seemily appriopate time to attempt to share my thoughts so I keep thinking and have been thinking on the the idea of the end of TIMES that its not nessarily the end of the world we are facing but the end of time. That we enter into enterity without time. Its a diffuclt concept I think about a lot so now maybe someone else will think about it too haha. No eAnn yesterday her sister showed up for a a suprise visit. I had such bad anxiety yesterday just walking I guess theres unwritten rules or code but see it was a lovely day out and seemed like there was at least 1 party go on but other groups also I was the olny person walking alone but my path kept crossing others and part of thier group would be paused for whatever reason then I would end up in the middle of the pack bc thier speed matched mine. IDK it was weird I kept tryin to get awy from people and not look like I'm in thier group or trying to be but I walked right into the next one and it didnt matter which side I walked on I still felt like I was at wront place wrong time. Noone was mean to me or even acklowedged me for that part but it was still suppeer weird and I ran into a group more than once so it was blah. I thought about nDea walking with me but he was busy with family his granddaughters bdday and we already disccussed this like weeks in advance so I didnt dare tell him he makes me brave and walking with him is better. Im not sure how that would come across in text even thou I woulda worded it diffrently I still dont want him to percive it as pressure or a guilt trip. I cant tell everyone my problem bc most people dont get the challanges I face. I'm just really shocked I didnt drink yesterday. I'm worried that my stimiulus is gonna go straight to collectors bc I'm in so much debt so thats something I'm tryin to scheme about. Im not sure if I'm infected I have a few like 2 little spots that concern me as far as bugs but I was treated and washed everything so who knows might be mental and then theres the itch i'm always itchy now. Things I wonder about I feel more tired n exhausted but we lost an hour last night and mentally I'm freakin out I have no purpose in life and I'm embarassed and feel like a failure I want to organize my apartment but im afraif to put money in it. I ate my last fresh fruit wendsday or thursday so I'm outta fresh fruit for the present time but its very correctable I have acess to the store to ask nDea or yLindse or order online My funds are not at broke right not but stingy I remain. My "savings" emergency fund is down right low. I think I want to bleach today but im very aware i had no time with my pet my love yesterday so I need to attend to him if he suggest. NOt a sex thing but I mean having time together so Ive gotta think about how much time I want to put into chores I need to do the basics and I'm overdue to steam clean too (handheld mini clothing?-type steamer I run across the furnitur) I ate a lot of cheese yeseterday and had a lot of smelly gas but also subway was the night before and maybe the new coffee I had had a touch of choclate I wonder? And corn tortillas I made mini tuna fish tacos for lunch and used the last 7 tortilla to gorge myself on min quasidiallas for dinner. Been thinking about my family not motivated to call thou not yet I'll get there Idk I'm just blah. Just tryin to go thru life and use the time I'm given for something.. Something I want to contruibute to this world but its like i'm so akward and well giving people junk food doesnt help anything believe it or not and noone wants my random collection of dontations which I guess I have let fade I dont collect as intental anymore . I should dump what I have and find another use for that cart might be the most praticial option. Which is sad I'm not sure how I went wrong even thou its off beat. The idea was from proverbs 3 honor the lord with all your first fruits so everything I get in more than one goes into a bin for food, bathroom or other houseld (long as its labeled and legal) the intention was to montlhy donate but man I am just not seeing where these dontations need to go or how to get them there so its discouraging. I usually eventually sneek them over to a local commuinty center and leave them outside thier door IDK what they do with them its probally annoying and dum exspecially since its odd things in there. I feel like I've always sucked at giving thou althou I badly want to give its just i always give shit its stuff other people find to be garabe or useless and sometiems its embarssing exspecially when I think I'm doing good olny to find it is trash. All right well i'm rambling so guess I better try to eat and start the day.