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2021-03-13 19:13:52 (UTC)

mouth like a blinking eye

"Milk & Honey" by Billie Marten

March 13, 2021 Saturday 6:14 PM

Unsurprising that I am insecure in my own "happiness" (or whatever you call the state of being a regular person). Scared every vaguely negative feeling is the beginning of something worse. I've been feeling kind of anxious and off lately, but I think I'm just very stressed out.

Yesterday, the sun was very nice and it was a little warm. I went outside to try and get this stupid two-point perspective drawing project out of the way. For someone who is actually relatively good at drawing spaces, I really don't understand the mechanics of perspective/vanishing point well. But that's probably why I can't draw very complicated things. I sat on a bench in the small park down the block (and when I say "small," I mean smaller than my apartment) and I felt the sun hot on my back, hot like a bath. It felt nice.

Sometime after that, Maria and I went to go get burgers. We have a burger place right down the street from us, but it was closed, so we went to its other location in Warren, driving through some vaguely historical-looking areas and also passing briefly through Massachusetts. Once we'd gotten our food, we drove to the beach and ate there. It was so nice—smelling like sea and eating meat and their watered-down ketchup (we keep joking about how you can literally taste the factory in it, and I imagine they bought bulk off-brand ketchup and then mixed it with water—it almost tastes like cocktail sauce, but I don't really care).

We started making a list of things we would have to do before the end of our lease (which would also be the end of all of our times in Providence). Some drinking game that's local to our college—having my birthday on the beach—visiting Newport (which we somehow haven't done) and eating oysters. I also suggested a hike and Maria said, "Sure, a hike. I'll be sick that day." Hahaha.

Nadiya got me ramekins for my christmas gift. Idk how long she's been holding on to them—I think every time she asked me if I wanted my present, I'd say "no," because I tend to be a little afraid of getting and giving gifts—anyway, I made (box) brownie in the ramekins yesterday with ice cream and whipped cream and it was really good.

:) All-in-all, yesterday was a really good day. Animal in my chest, shifting restless. Turning once, then twice, lying down with tail curled around face.

Watched some videos for my poetry/dreaming class and one was a performance written by Samuel Beckett called "Not I," where there's a Rocky Horrorish framing (although I wouldn't be surprised if it was actually the inspiration for the Rocky Horror lips), darkness and then just a mouth without context. And I watched mesmerized for 15 minutes as this woman spoke and hissed in some dream language that I could only half-catch, too caught up in the disturbing undulation of her lips. The way they dragged away from her teeth—I felt I really understood the shape of a skull—and the tongue was wet and very strong, and when the mouth slit shut, there was a strange irregular darkness where the chin would be. Oddly enough, that was the scariest part about it.

I should eat something soon. I feel—I don't know. Restless. Knee-bobbing eyes loose and blurring. Wondering always if there's a way to pinch my extra fat off the body like clay, drop it on the floor. Not sure what I even want—nothing. It's just a passing thought, it's nothing serious. I'm tense and my hands are cold. Somehow it's become dark out.