If I die today
2021-03-13 08:02:00 (UTC)

bittersweet coffee with God

Theres a movie on amazon called coffee with God soo how appriate for a morning movie right? So heres the deal it got me thinking and theres a little bit of truth in every lie while it was touching and ill hit on the points of thought here in a min it's also got its hints of the world and has some misrepresentions of God that are subtle but to me it seems they are there. so I hold those to no value but i have some thoughts.. I'll grab my oatmeal and get busy going on about it. So who makes people sick can we blame God for causing sickness and diease? Well my natrual tendcy is to well latch on to the idea of santan an an emeny causing it. But here's another component think about humans. We tinker with our food our healthcare and choices we make we pollute . People chase dollars and fame foruntune and riches not really life most the time so what if man humans have caoused illness. Not to say there isnt a demonic force out there. Gods in control of it all and he allows things but maybe we suffer and endure conquences. so God hasnt laid certian things out on us but he has called us to endure and it seems like from revelation that he may be asking us to endure peacefully.. Another point is can you invest your heart and soul into another person. Just along the lines of stewartship what does it look like to invest your heart and soul and well where do you invest it. Bc I mean with you soul your core being your enterinty you dont want to invest that on earth or flesh right? Things that will be in my thoughts later likely. And.. ideas thoughts goals coffee with God sound like a grand idea. so whats been holding me back the tv and well IDk what else I "need" as soon as my eyes open but I need that background and sound.. I'm a coward. The silence repells me I think I"m afriad of first thing quiet time alone. I think im running on fear of losing that time and fear of the silence kinda like I think I'm gonna miss out on something if I dont follow a certian routine plan and or schedule and just IDK I feel like I need something so I bury myself in the tv as soon as I wake up. I'm not sure whaat I want or need to do to speficly change to what will profit my soul but I think I want to be more involved with GOd even once a week is a fine start and maybe I can do better with that. I need to really meet with HIm and let it all gooo. I'm not sure how this will all workout once i'm co-habitated with nDea but I want it too.
anyhows whats killing me? I'm not sure I tried a new coffee place the Human Bean yesterday wiht my love and it went well got the usual americo with an extra shot. We had subway for dinner. Im healthy. My neighbors are selling herion thats wonderful. I'm trying to readjust my running and course bc i'm overwhelmed mentally with the contstruation and its causing practical problems bc my mind cant break its course. I was tired exra yesterday but I didnt get to sleep till later that night before. I drank an emergen-c around 3 jhust before leaving with my love. His car breaks are failing so thats on his to do list this morning we bought a part yesterday so hopefully its the right part. no word back from eAnn that I texted on thursday to let her know I'm healthy and asked about still trying to get togetther. oh the mail ok so I'm not sure if my mail man is a thief or not bc i know eMik had warned me before and when I went to meet him last week the mail man bc I knew I had a package I came to the truck and he gave me 2 packages and I said oh I got 2. He said in an odd way were you exspecting 2? something to the effect of that like were you only geeting 1. Im not sure if he was concerned about fraud or looking for opprunity but he's been a good mailman for the most part I trust him and have postive interactions. So its confusing. But when My large orders (3 or so boxes ) with a large box cme in on Thursday the large box had its black tape pulled open and then 2 strips of clear tape holding it together going across the other ddirecction. And inside some things were smashed damaged and even small wet things and radom things were missing nothing that I think a thief would be after but I feel like this box was opened after being shipped and getting to me. My order arrived yesterday with Jenga and I had ordered 1 deoderant / Everything came in one box but the deoderant with in a box inside the box and I got like 4 or 5 deoderants. oh well I'll take em but the first box didnt arrive till between 315 and 6 after we had left it was on my doorstep when we got back and the black tape didnt seem completely sealed. SO I'm not sure. Its suspect. sooo well sexlife has amped up as far as passion I guess I dont know how else to explain it I mean I use oil mostly intimist as lube on occasion and Im not needing it then also well guess I'm content or worn out bc I'm not using all the handsanitizer next to my bed. Anyhow I know thats not need to know but well things I have conquences so should something ever go wrong or maybe even just my change in energy level I have a cause. nDea does have a dirty job and lets be realistic he lives and shares a bed with a woman that has been right there for 25 years while I believe that based on what he tells me about her I dont think that the sex is happening however when someone isnt hygenic and you share the same bed well your gonna be sharing germs. Im not quiete sure what I want to do with myself today defintly a bath I smell like sex still. I"m kinda worried bc nDea hasnt texted me back yet good morning but its early and his phone did start acting up some yesterday he says. but since his brakes are an issue and he's living wiht someone plus 2days in a row he had afternnoon coffee on an empty stomach so wasnt feeling his best after coffee so I'm a little worried. Thats about all I got I think I've made a fool of myself and embarssed myself enough with my thoughts for today