Nihilist Cowboy

A Sick Man, A Spiteful Man, An Unattractive Man
2021-03-12 22:18:38 (UTC)

3/12/21 Thoughts: I think I am out of touch

Over the last few months I have been in deep thought about my life as a whole; my beliefs, my schedule, my philosophy, my thoughts, my hopes, and my dreams. Since the beginning of the year, I have attempted to write daily although lately it has been difficult due to the my sickness. The purpose of these writings is to truthfully and thoroughly analyze my life, and although I have came a long way in the past 10 weeks, I still have a long way to go. A theme that keeps appearing again and again is that I am different; not only different, but I think that I am pretty out of touch with society. I fully accepted that I am weird not too long ago. I no longer resent feeling different, but I sometimes wish that I did not feel out of touch like I do.

At work over the last few days after talking to coworkers and overhearing conversations of the nurses and my team members, I have decided that my life is like is like a glorified teenager compared to the average person my age. I am the only person on my team who has never had to leave work early to pick up kids from school or daycare, I am the only one who is not married, and I am the only one who does not have responsibility outside of work. If I decided to quit my job, the only person who would suffer would be myself.

Yesterday, I overheard this nurse who I think is totally cute telling one of my team members about the divorce she was going through. The nurse is my age but is going through a divorce and has a child who is almost middle school aged. I really felt for her going through what sounds like hell while my life after work consists of going for a walk, going home, read, and sleep. My life is much simpler, I do not regret the choices I have made but I sometimes wonder if my coworkers think differently of me because of my different lifestyle. Do they get jealous because of the solitude I like to experience after work, or do they "feel bad for me" since I do not live the typical "adult life?" If I lived out the rest of my years living alone, I would be perfectly ok after that,

Other choices also make me feel out of touch, when I hear people discuss buying new cars and going on cruises I do not really get it. I am a total cheapass. I like to joke around that my car is the oldest in the employee parking lot. There are not that many things that I enjoy buying and buying things do not make me happy. I made a joke with one of my coworkers that I am "too badass" to ever be a sell out and buy an Apple product.

I do not wish to change any major aspects of my life, but I wish I could understand what my peers feel and their motivations for living the lives that they live. I want to understand although I dont want to experience. I have seen the life that my mom has lived over the past decade of working, coming home, and then spending time with her friends. I could totally do that, the only difference is that I would like to maybe spend that time with a significant other.

I did not take a lunch break to read today since I did not get to work until 1030 since I went to the eye doctor. Surprise Surprise, my ear problem was not caused by eye issues. I could have told you that.




Ad: