from my heart
2021-03-09 20:09:51 (UTC)

i want to grasp your hands

8:09 pm

i thought i was over everything that has happened 2 months ago... the loss of friendships and i thought i was fine but i keep thinking about the past again. it is like i want to force myself to feel hurt or something.

i feel like i tried to deny my feelings because i wanted to be over it but it comes back today. i just still feel hurt over knowing that somehow somewhere along the lines of my life, people lost interest in me and decided they didn't want me anymore. i keep thinking and trying to find ways to blame myself for what has happened. i think i want to blame myself so i feel like i was in control of the situation so that i know it wont happen to me again.. but i dont think i controlled anything.

i smile a lot now. i laugh a lot too. sometimes when i see something funny and share it to someone they dont get it. but i know that the person that left me would. they wouldve laughed so hard over it. i guess i just miss having someone get my sense of humor.

i dont want to fuck things up anymore. i feel like even thinking these thoughts is just a way for me to ruin my life somehow but i need to get it out somewhere.

there is a yearning within me which wants to reach out for more. i truly do crave happiness, love, affection, warmth, and gratitude. i want to be better and just feel fulfilled and content in my life. i am thankful for the people in my life right now and i wouldn't trade them for anyone else because they are the people i love so so much. and even though i reminisce my past, i know i wouldn't ever want to go back. i dont want to go back, i want to move forward..

there is someone who i care about so much that just waits for me on the edge of a muddy river reaching out their hands towards me. im so used to this muddy river that i am afraid to grasp the hand that can pull me out and lead me to an ocean full of life. i want to grab that hand so badly. i want a new comfort zone. i want to feel free