Emily

Day In the Life of an American Teen
2021-03-10 00:42:27 (UTC)

Gang Raped

I finished my History benchmark. I think I did okay. It's all multiple answer questions, I don't know why I don't get my grade straight away.

When I was younger, like 11 or 12, I remember having this feeling of dread one night. I stayed up until midnight triple checking to make sure all the windows and doors were locked. Even then, I still couldn't sleep. In the morning, Rachel went out to car and saw that it had been robbed. They took my scooter that was in the trunk.

Last night, I felt really sick. I thought maybe I had COVID. I felt nauseous and spent most of the night in the bathroom in case I threw up. I didn't sleep at all, I stayed up until 7 and started doing my homework.

My cousin who lives across the street was gang-raped, and managed to find her way home and fall in her front yard. And I was in my room, two feet away from a window where I could've seen her laying in her front yard. While I might enjoy the idea for myself, being taken control of, it's really in situations where I at least know them, or something even close to a feeling of slight security, knowing that I won't 100% die.

She was sodomized and throat-fucked and everything imaginable. When her sister found her outside, they had choked her out so bad that blood was coming out of her ears. She was all black and blue, almost everywhere. She looks more black than her actual skin tone. As far as I know from past conversations, she was never into anything that brutal.

I'm disappointed that I never take my instincts seriously. I've almost always had suspicions every time something has gone wrong, anywhere in my life. There's nothing I could have really done.

I'm all for violence against myself, for the sexual pleasure, but that's also me and if someone ever beat me that bad, blood coming out of my ears, I'd kill someone. She's in the hospital now, and according to her mom her mouth is so swollen she can't even talk. She said something about a street around us.

Nobody's sure if they dropped her off at her house or she walked there, but I was awake all night. These walls are so thin, I can hear any car drive past, when their car doors shut, or if someone's walking too loud down the street. I'm confident they dropped her off somewhere else. Doesn't do much good.

Her last GPS location was at a bail bond in Dallas. Her sister said that she had snuck out at like 1 am to hang out with friends, and she came home at 4 am.

I'm not, whatsoever, victim-blaming, but she lives the sort of lifestyle that something terrible was bound to happen. The other sister who found her said she was hopped up on drugs, which wouldn't be new, but I feel like people should consider the possibility that she was drugged. Or maybe voluntarily took them, but they weren't what she thought they were.

I wish I knew more. They will when she can speak again. I wonder what happened. Was it the people she called friends? Did they set her up? Did they abandon her and she was taken by men she didn't know? Hunter said that maybe it was voluntary at first, something she was into, and it got out of hand, or other people she was unfamiliar with were invited.

I don't know. Her and I used to be pretty close friends. We'd always talk about guys and drama and all that. As far as I know, she was never into the gang-bang scene.

I'm afraid she'll be too afraid to speak up. If it's someone she's close to, maybe she's more afraid of them going to jail. I don't think I would say anything, if it was someone I loved. Even now, I don't speak up about anything that ever happens because the guilt of someone going to prison because of me is just too much. I don't know if we're the same in that way.

There's a difference between taking what you want because you're just fucked up and selfish, and causing an unnecessary amount of pain because you're completely out of your mind.

The guilt is suffocating. I was laying in bed while she was, hopefully, putting up a hell of a fight. I can't stop imagining it. Where did it happen? When exactly? How many guys were there? DId they laugh at her when she cried? I wish it had been me instead. Not in a way because rape can be hot, when it's premeditated and expected and from someone you want, but because I'd rather take the brunt of it so she doesn't have to. I would take her place if I could.

She's already walking on a tightrope. Too many hard drugs and late nights and strangers and suicide attempts. I wonder if this'll push her over the edge. I wish I could be there for her, but visitations are closed due to COVID, and I'm not allowed to speak to any of them.

Rachel and I were talking about this, and she's giving me this smug look. "Understand now why I am the way I am?"

Uh, no. I've never, ever felt unsafe in an environment I was drinking or smoking, and nothing bad has ever happened to me. The only thing that came close to 'bad' was DJ kissing me while I was drunk. Which, I was giving off signals too. And even though he was pushy, he stopped when I walked away. I've never drank or smoked with anyone I don't know, and I've never been the only girl there.

Her mom is being angry and lashing out. Her mom is not a very good mom. She spends more time at work than she needs, working overtime without getting paid, because she can't stand being home and actually having to mother. Her dad is almost always absent, but now he's here, storming around and throwing things. If I were her, I'd be angry at him. Now you want to show up?

She's such a sad girl. She was in a mental institution for a while, after one of her suicide attempts. I remember her saying she was feeling better. I wonder why she leads that sort of lifestyle. I can't exactly relate, because I've never come close to the things she's done. I've always known about her family situation. Their dad left them homeless on Christmas eve to be with another woman and her children. Her mom's too absent, and she has two other sisters she's always had to put up with. I know she was molested, continuously she's told me, always on her birthday when the family member would come around. I wonder what else she's gone through. I'm morbidly curious. I suppose I just want to know why people the way they are.

It's interesting, molestation and incest runs in my family. It's happened to almost every woman on my mom's side. Actually, every woman as far as I know of. Morbidly interesting. I suppose it's a generational curse.

I feel like a failure. It's selfish to focus more on my feelings, but if I was her friend, maybe she'd be sneaking out with me and we'd smoke and enjoy ourselves. In the past I've gone to their house, and we can just smoke a blunt and lounge and talk.
I would take her place in a heartbeat. Underneath everything, I only want to fix people. When I was little, I wished so bad that I had a superpower where I could hug people and take all their pain onto myself. Still wish I could.




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