TM49

My History Of Familial Incest
2021-03-08 15:18:08 (UTC)

About Last Night's Post (Ugh)

Reading my entry from the other night I was swept with a sense of embarrassment. I am not some wayward teenager anymore and I felt my entry reflected that. I am beyond the time of drama in relationships. At the same time, I don't think I'm being unreasonable. I've been out of this arena for so long and subsisting on short lived or one night dalliances in the goal of an orgasm with internet strangers. I wonder if my trying to travail making relationships should be an evening special. "Watch as the subject attempts to say hello," or something like that.
It's sad and embarrassing, admittedly. This whole thing might be beyond me now, but I don't want to give in on it yet. I think I have time for one more love before I settle with someone or simply be alone. Or, be some old gal who no longer gives a shit just doing whatever I want. The idea makes me laugh. The heavier side is that I am intensely lonely and it eats at me. There is a lot of pain there and it's hard.
So for now I have HIM and the twice a week flirting relationship with the guy at the convenience center. I test my skills on him and since this has been going on for a month I must be doing okay. Nothing perverse or deep, just fun. I look forward to it. Is that normal or also embarrassing and sad? I haven't decided yet.
I'm not going to turn this diary into a whine fest about this guy. That was never it's intention. I'm glad I have it to vent but don't want to make a habit of "figuring out a man."
I need to move forward. I need to pull myself together.
I will always grieve but I am stuck in it, and there has to be something else.
Come on....(says to self)
-TM




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