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2021-03-08 00:27:04 (UTC)

more Attack on Titan (bc i am a loser)

"Shock" by Yuko Ando [this is a really beautiful song... it's the closer for Attack on Titan s4!]

March 7, 2021 Sunday 11:30 PM

I can't stop thinking about writing lately. This morning, I woke up editing and critiquing a Fanfiction I'd read the night before (it was something about Yuri Plisetsky being soulmates with Katsuki Yuuri and Viktor Nikiforov. Aside from it being a creepy ship (I read for curiosity, though, so it doesn't matter), I had a lot of problems with the development of the story and the characters—which is to say it depended way too much on exposition. But even with that, I think it could've been sort of okay, if the ending was a little more clear, and also a couple of the conflicts that were set up were never resolved?? Anyways, that's what was going on in my head.

But that isn't the point, I've distracted myself. Today is Sunday, which means a new episode of Attack on Titan came out (!!!). Nadiya and I missed the episode last week because we were really busy, so we got to watch two. Which was nice. Also these past couple episodes ended up being really eventful.

Iit's kind of hit-or-miss with AoT—sometimes they spend a loooot of time on exposition. But I'm a little amazed, to be honest, with how willing I am to sit through that exposition. I normally don't really like super-involved sci-fi or fantasy because, I mean... I care a lot less about the mechanics of a world than I do the characters. So I was never a particularly avid fan of Star Wars or Lord of the Rings. I liked Harry Potter, but I think a lot of that enjoyment sourced from the characters, which I was able to connect with. And I think the Harry Potter world was relatively simple (same with Percy Jackson).

Attack on Titan's universe is pretty complicated. It kind of asks a lot of viewers—in terms of memory recall and such, especially now that they're tying up a bunch of loose plot points that were left open in like... season 2 lol. Actually, a lot of things don't make sense until like a season after they're introduced. And the politics of AoT can also get pretty muddy. I mean, I'm sure some people out there would say they are very simple, since they probably mirror some conflicts we've had (which is definitely true—there are folks that have to wear armbands to show their lowerclass, and they're confined to specific neighborhoods, and also everything is German-inspired?... Yeah... It's not a perfect fit, but it's clear that a lot of these conflicts were inspired by real world happenings). Whatever, personally, I find the politics sometimes hard to grasp without some careful reading and careful thought. Part of it is that I've got to reorganize the information the story has already given us, and the other part is that oftentimes, the characters speak minimally or vaguely and I'm just like... "HUh??" Idk if this is a translation thing or what.

Especially now that the show is experimenting a LOT with temporal jumps and such—seeing as how we missed a lot of time between s3 and s4—basically, a good amount of mental effort has to go into watching a single episode haha. I think, at least.

(Just right now I saw a faded bite mark on my wrist—for forever now, I occasionally bite my wrist. Not sure why, lol. I think sometimes it's when I get anxious? But other times it's just a comfort thing? Anyway, I realized I did it and I now have to resolve to literally NEVER tell Nadiya, because she will think I'm trying to be Eren from AoT lol and I will never live it down, no matter how much I deny it... And now I have an urge to expose myself bc I think it would be funny... Why am I a masochist?!??! D:)

I'm impressed that AoT is able to keep so many people invested (I think it's currently, like, the most popular show in the US or something? I could be wrong). I think it has something to do with how they began the story in the first place; they set up a lot of questions, but more than that, they developed the characters' relationships to one another in an effective way over time....

Wait, is that true? Lol. Characterization is one of the biggest issues in AoT (I still think Mikasa in particular got FUCKED in the show; I'm sure the manga has a much more fleshed-out portrayal of her character, but somehow—even in the last season—I still feel that I barely know Mikasa except through her trauma and through her relationship to Eren.. Bro that doesn't pass the Bechdel test). Or, rather, interpersonal character development is rough (Eren is friends with Jean?!).

Maybe that's because there are so *many* characters. It was overwhelming at the start of the show. Even being part of the main group, I don't think I would've been able to name either Reiner nor Berthold until season 2 LOL. Which is pretty bad, because as I said, they are *main characters* which, you know, means they interact directly with the main plot. In order to exact the sort of emotional impact you want to impact, you need to create a rapport between reader/viewer and the character. I felt like that is often lacking in AoT.

That said? I am still so fucking emotionally invested. Mostly, though, I think I am invested in Eren (I love Levi too, but that's just me having a type). And I also think the way AoT has built tension around the plot has been masterful—there's a lot of give-and-take concerning the information. There might be an overwhelming amount of lore, but throughout the progression of the story, they've provided just enough to keep us watching while withholding some of the more charged/essential information (this is sort of glossing over the issue of PACING in AoT, haha... god, I feel like I had to slog through the first half of season 2, it was so slow. Likewise, I know Nadiya was very bored for a lot of the episodes before this one).

Besides Eren, I do sort of love Mikasa and Armin, but more for how long they've been around. I used to hate Armin lol. He just seemed to extraneous for awhile.

I feel like I had other human thoughts, but I'm done for now. I guess I just want to acknowledge that I really like AoT. And it is a painful show to watch because it is a tragedy. A really masterfully-done tragedy. *I* want to write something like that. I want to have the strength to kill off my characters (I'm not talking about any character in particular, since risk of death is pretty high for literally any of the AoT characters lol). And to make people cry.

I can never tell if I want people to laugh or cry, lol— if I could, I'd have both. Such strange reactions. So forceful and purging. I'm thinking, too, that it exorcises something—especially when the crying is prompted by something like a book or a movie. What is that? That living in an alternate life and feeling that alternate pain? Is it similar to an adrenaline rush? We get to return to our world at the end. Why do stories make us hungry?

I don't know. I just have so many questions and I feel a lot of urgency for no reason. Oh—I forgot to mention, DH messaged me again. I have no idea how to react haha. Once again, I am helpless to my own romantic notions, so I have no choice but to respond haha. Is he gonna leave me on read for an eternity again?? Hmmm?????? If he does or doesn't—idk, I think I've passed from vague irritation into indifference. Probably because now I'm not really hoping to get anything out of these interactions.

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