If I die today
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2021-03-07 07:30:00 (UTC)

get the picture

This morning I'm alive already had applesauce and keurig coffee .yesterday nDea bout over the left overs of his treatment so I showered around 9 and put cream on so I need to shower again later which kinda dents my cleaning plans as far as bleaching but hell. Oh we had sex again yesterday omg. That was after we did laundry at his laundry room he took me to his trailer park bc its a little privcay and well more peaceful and stable and it wasnt within veiw of his trailer. Anyhow soo earlier this week I sent my man some pics that were uncloted but we both find them tasteful it all my initation he was doing laundry i was showering and using the self timer on my phone.. Then yesrtday when he dropped off the meds I told him Id shower and get creamed he jokingly said oh well I can exspect more pictures.. OMG so I wnated to send him more .. SO heres the deal some of the pics were goofy and untasteful I suppose and In my mind it was funny but then as I was falling asleep i realise well pics of me washing my butt crack weell but cracks are gross. I mean there was around 20 pics total and some were really good but c'mon im a freakin idiot I plucked out pics I thought were less than pleasing to send but still my sending was eh I'm in an idot. but besides my grossness with all the hell I'lve been thru I gotta say if I must really like and trust him or I'm a freakin an idiot. Grrrr why do I keep doing this. Ok so noones gotten pics like this of me from me since 2014ish but still the burn . And the 2014 pics where stolen by a "church" person and used to harras emabarss humilite and traumatise me and accuse me of things that I wasnt actually doing right then. So thats the short I feel kinda foolish but today right now I know nDea isnt gonna give away my pics. I also know he's not super phone swavve (suave- a? how ever its spelled) so anyhow theres potional for accidental leaks. Anyhow I guess if i die I'd want them all deleted and destroyed by him i dont want anyone to see and also well thats that now my side of the story is out if im ever blackmailed althou its an awful side I'm guilty as shit. I dont really feel any adverse reaction to the cream otherwise. I have some cleaning today today thinking about asking my man to take me grocery shopping but we will see sleep was ok about 6 hours. Still tryin to figure what to do about God and to be more displined in seeking him and diligent. Idk if I can get myself to give him 15minutes quiet time in the morning might sound more gentle than half hours. IDK its a weird struggle and I think my lover is something that sorta causes me to have this diffucilty distraction guilt and confusion I'm probally doing something wrong idk if i can really truly wholy justify this relationship but I want it so bad I want it to work and to make it pure. Ideally I would want to get divorced and remarry to him and lead our lives together with each other thats what I need to have a clear consious and well on my end theres the divorce thing and well theres someoneelse on his end too Im exceptin that C is very important to him and well pretty much IDK if he will ever be separted from her she wants him and he's her persona nd seems tome that he keeps acting like he's fully responible her and doesnt look to me that they are finiding alertive options for her she hasnt pursued any options with her caswworker and he is willing to just sit around and wwait for her daughteer to get a house big enough to take her mom in and we're talkin months. As in they havnt even begun looking or yet applied for a mortage or whatever it si they are needing to do. soo shit my hopes are kinda dashed but theres little glimpses of light here n there but imnot gonna grasp on to them. I mean he's obvisly very loyal to her and she has some sorta control over him and she wants him or her daughter and nothing in between. so whatever. IDK if we will ever have a pure life but I feel in to deep to end it and my reason for ending it would just be bc well its not pure I like nDea and he's very loveable and we have good times together and he's a capable man and he is a man fufullils that role but ugh its a shit slow its sorta a load of slop. Kinda like my life.

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