If I die today
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2021-03-04 07:12:00 (UTC)

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physically I"m pretty healthy. I seem to be ovulating which is interesting since the last surgery a few years ago I dont think anythings been this normal. I' was starving yesterday I did run 20minutes no complaints I have poor endurcnes thou and my quads are reacating but not limiting the run its the endurance restricting me not muscles. I think I'm okay with my man I mean I'm just fearful of talking about the future bc it might not happen and I'm afraid to count of him when he has other obligations. I'm just sorta avoiding topics that I can avoid. This Saturday is his granddaughters birthday so Im kinda afriad to task to make plans for Friday bc i'm assume his "roomate" will make plans for them to shop for presents for thier grandaughter. Nevertheless I have nothing holding me back today I slept well 1mg of melation extended release We had sex I think thats where this thought was going it was good of course akward bc I put my bed up into the couch but we had like this sweet kinda bond. I think that helped me sleep. I was starving most of the day yesterday I'm already starting to eat up today I wanna get stretched in a bit then sorta aim for the sameish schedule to be out around 11 to run the weathers cooperative. I feel lame thou if I die today it would be sorta ashame a wasted life I suppose. I still dont yet know what I want to do about it what I'm gonna do about it. I"m sad my heart hurts for the future with my man but I love him and I want to be our own family but I mean lets face it he already has a family and she;s imoortant to him and if she wants hime there for years and refuses to move I'm sure he will be right there. ALthou he cant be my whole purpose in life so I better get over it. yLindsey still textd me yesterday around 2 just double checking if I need a ride. She's a good faithful friend. I"ve been thinking about life so what if I guess in a human way heres how I think if I was giving and giving and bending over backward pouring my heart and never heard thank you and/or it was rejected or something or someone else was credited with my work then well crap I would stop providing. What if God is like that what if we dont appreciate the sun comeing up and out and noone credits him do you think he would keep giving us sun? Or what if we decided we dont need it and that some otheer manmade thing is better for us or more effeinct or easier whay should he bother. Not just the sun but like all things so Id like to work on a thankful heart I mean bc think about all were given and all we refuse to acklowdge or reject so this will be a good thing for me to try to acklowdege and be thankful for things. I have my check it came yesterday as exspected so theres a couple of bucks if I die and I suppose i would change my thoughts to if I had a choice I would give the finiances to Lindsey until nDea is freee of his daughters mother bc I dont want it to all go to waste of course I've never even talked to any of them about this but I defintly can see how L would be a good stewart and use the provisions and I can see how D may or may not be tempted to nuture his other relationship which is evil if I wasnt here I mean theyre already set up as a family unit.