LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
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2021-03-04 08:07:22 (UTC)

Elise, boys, music (im unsatisfied with this title but whatever)


"Hayloft" by Mother Mother [I don't think I've listened to Mother Mother consistently since high school, but I got back into them because of TikTok and I'm glad!!! I don't remember paying much attention to this song but it's really good]

March 4, 2021 Thursday 7:07 AM

Today is the day Elise died six years ago. Last month (Feb 11) was her birthday. She'd be 22 if she were here today. I looked at her Facebook and I read some of her final diary entries. I couldn't read that many because I just can't really do that all at once, but it was—nice. Just so nice. Sometimes I think I imagined the way I saw her, and okay. Maybe that's true lol. But man, her entries prove to me that she was just as cool as I remember her. Like, I would be friends with her 16 year old self now if I could be, lol. I relate to her more now than I did then. Back then, I mostly really admired her and enjoyed her writing and I wanted, really badly, to be part of her life—but I was anxious and I could only manage speaking to her in bursts. I still regret that. I remember thinking it was so odd that she hadn't posted in a long time, but sometimes people do that so I didn't think it was a huge deal.

I don't really know what to do in these situations, but I suppose I want to be happy today. I've already been pretty content, but I think I still get hyper-focused on my schoolwork and creative stuff, and today I will take the time to appreciate the people around me and also my surroundings. The morning light has been very nice so far :) I'm listening to Panchinko and I wonder if Elise would've liked this music. I feel like maybe not lol. But I'd still be curious as to what her thoughts are around lofi. I don't remember if she'd ever listened and enjoyed anything like that. Or even Radiohead or something, which is sort of Panchinko's vibe sometimes. Man, my heart hurts. I wonder where her best friend is now. Her brother, her little cousin, her mom, her boyfriend. Yeah. I just wonder if they're okay.

I only got three hours of sleep, not for any particular reason. I woke up at 5 AM and I couldn't get back to sleep. It was probably actually more like 2.5 hours of sleep but details lol. I tried for about an hour to get back to sleep but it wasn't working (I was recounting to myself the plot of Yuri on Ice lol. I've been rewatching it lately and it makes my heart clench every fucking time). I don't want to ~encourage negativity~ within my rotten little brain, but that stuff worries me, especially because I've been so happy for like a week lol. So happy. I've exercised fucking 3 times this week. I never do that!!!!! I hate exercising and I'm so tired all the time!! But this week I've been jittery. And also for a couple weeks I've been pathologically practicing piano whenever I get five minutes. Also I like music again! I haven't been that interested in music for a very long time, although that doesn't really correspond with my depression, it's just sort of an extra thing. And idk. I'm just—happy.

Tbh, the happiness itself doesn't concern me. More like, I'm afraid it'll collapse. I keep thinking, whoa, I don't think I've been happy for this long in, like, a while. Even last week when I was stressed as fuck, I felt stable. But it is also important to acknowledge that I have the memory of a translucent guppy so I could be forgetting every single other time I've been content lol.

But anyway! My confidence has also been :) so nice.

That guy I was talking about last entry (DH) messaged me during our class on Tuesday during a break (the class is 2.5 hours long so we usually take a couple brief breaks) and said, "You look cute today, I like your outfit," following it up with, "I've been bad at replying, oof." In the typical fashion, I screamed lol and clenched all of my muscles so hard I had difficulty peeing lmao. Ahhh romance is fun. I know I act a bit childish about it (especially my defensiveness lol. Nadiya comes in the living room to stare at me smiling slyly and I snap, "What," at her and talk about how gross the guy is, knowing full well that he is Very Cute). I don't mind though, I'm just—glad I can enjoy it. It's really nice.

But, okay, the signals are whack lol. He messaged me out of the blue sometime in February (a little before Valentines day) and we had a brief convo, but then?? He didn't answer one of my replies until, like, probably a full week later. And then he didn't answer again for two weeks until he said I was cute lol. So I am vaguely pissed off. Because I agree that I am very cute and my outfit was nice (collared shirt under my embroidered bird sweater! I do be loving my bird sweater). And I feel deeply that if he's interested, he should be trying harder lol. And if he's not interested, then I would like it very much if he left me alone haha. My theory was that maybe he messaged me in a fit of vague interest, and then didn't want to message me on Valentines day (a stupid reason, but idk if that was actually a factor so I'll refrain from uh... judgment.. I say having already judged). And then got bored and messaged me again? Or maybe didn't see the point in messaging me frequently cuz of Covid? And then he was attracted to me and so messaged me?

Idk.

In other news, apparently someone selected me for their senior scramble, but unfortunately I got the email a half an hour before the deadline and so I missed my opportunity. Lol was hoping it was DH since he is really the only person I've been at all interested in lately. For the large part, I haven't been lonely. I don't think I get lonely easily. But now DH has invaded my cuddle fantasies. That's not his fault, though—it's my need to have an object.

I still have the sometimes strong urge to just—be someone else. Mostly a guy. But I really don't mind occupying my body rn so that's a relief.

I think I'm gonna go work on one of my drawings now just because the light is nice. And it'd be nice to get in some practice before class at 9. Ahhh, I'm just—so pleased. And I've woken up more fully now. Also, I meant to mention that my piano skills have actually improved since I began practicing obsessively 2-3 weeks ago lol. Before that, I usually practiced 2 times a week, but as I said, these days it's been a couple times a day. I think it's because I printed some sheet music a while back and it made me really excited to play again. Don't get me wrong, I love Chopin, but I think it can be very discouraging to squint over his Nocturnes. I've been playing Nocturne Op. 48 No. 1 for like 4 or 5 years now and I'm still not at a level where I can play it fluently (I'm pretty "fluent" through the first two parts, but the last part is very hard and requires a lot of stamina and precision, so it's been difficult). Same situation with Nocturne Op. 72 No. 1, although that one is much easier and, to be very fair, I didn't actually learn the last page until, like, this past year. And also I stopped playing piano consistently for the first 2ish years of college. And then there's also this prelude by Chopin, another piece I read in high school. part of me has no hope that I'll ever be able to play it properly, lol. It's an extremely short and fast piece and idk if I'll ever really have the dexterity to get it right. My calf is literally aching from the frequency with which I need to pedal for that song.

Yeah, anyway I'm reading Rei I and I. Shinji from Neon Genesis Evangelion now. The music for NGE (by Shiro Sagisu) is just... so beautiful. A lot of the animes I've watched have sort of generic-sounding music (people be praising Haikyuu's openers and I'm like ??? what? they sound like nothing). The only ones I really like a lot are the opener/closer for Demon Slayer, and most of the music for Attack on Titan, and pretty much every track in NGE. NGE especially, though, has a very different sonic vibe from more upbeat/poppy/rock tunes utilized in Demon Slayer or AoT. NGE is a little more jazzy, mellow, melancholic. It's just nice. I. Shinji has always been one of my favorites—Shinji is just... one of my favorite characters ever. He's complex and just—extremely 14. I wonder what I would've thought if I watched NGE at that age. I think it would've been bad for me tbh lol, what with the complicated psychological stuff, religious theory, and what can only be described as a tragic plot haha.

Now that I think about it, it's a really interesting example of genre-mixing, though. Which is a big subject in my literature classes, since a lot of contemporary writers (including myself) tend to pull from different influences. In itself, that topic can be a little contentious, because genre is a loose subject and "genre-mixing" as been happening for a very long time; I think it's more that, in particular, people are identifying a tendency in western writers to pull from magical realism and mix that with a bunch of different stuff.

The genres operating in NGE are more along the lines of sci-fi fantasy (which is what it seems to be at first) and then it sort of veers into much darker territory. As I said, it's not clear cut, bc lots of scifi or fantasy will tackle heavy shit, but I think what strikes me most about NGE's approach is that it's very... internal. And oblique. To the point where, towards the end of the series (no explicit spoilerz don't worry), it takes place pretty much entirely within and has, like, no grounding in the physical world lol.

It sort of reminds me of Tarkovsky's Solaris (and I suppose Stalker as well—I tend to group the two movies). Not that Solaris pulls completely inward, but there is definitely... an inwardness to it. The setting is scifi, but ultimately it is waaay beyond that.

I'm excited for the NGE movie that's supposed to come out Monday. Idk when it'll be available for english-speaking viewers, but I'm just glad it's actually being released (it was supposed to come out January). I'm also still waiting for the Demon Slayer movie to be subbed or dubbed, haha. Man, I miss that show, it was so good. Weirdly comforting for such a violent work.

Okay. I'm done ranting about genre and such. The point was that I'm learning NGE music. It's much easier to read and a lot more sonically predictable than more classical music (I also started reading Bach's Herr Jesu Christu, which I heard in Solaris, but it can be kind of annoying to read so I've really only done the first few measures LOL). I've already memorized Rei I, although I have some problems with the transcription (different people have done different arrangements; the middle section is the part that varies the most and I still haven't decided if I like the particular cascade in the sheet music I have rn). I've also mostly memorized I. Shinji, which makes me proud because I really only started learning it last week. I'm not up to speed/fluent in either piece yet, but I'm much closer with Rei I. It's a slow song so it's easier to work on it.

OK that's all. I'm gonna go practice piano. Or maybe not... I have to pee really bad but Maria is showering D: ok byee


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