My experiences with grief and other struggles
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2021-03-03 01:31:01 (UTC)

Almost 4 Months

It has almost been almost 4 months since I lost my older brother and his fiance in the accident.
Already his face is blurring and every day I remember the oddest things about him: the mole he had right below his adam's apple that would move when he talked, the way he walked, the songs he was once obsessed with, and the little smirk he constantly wore. It feels so foreign to use the past tense when I talk about him and how to even answer the question 'How many siblings do I have?' because the answer is 3 brothers, 2 living, 1 dead.
To say that I had a big brother is hard because I should have a big brother. He should still be here, being the mess of a human that he was. Somedays, I wish it had been me, that I'd been the one that died because I've gone through depression and gotten very close to killing myself. It seems so very wrong that he is dead and I'm alive.
It's been almost 4 months since he died and 7 months since I last saw him alive. The only comfort I have is my hope in my religion and the fact that when I last saw him, I was saying goodbye. I hugged him, told him I loved him and that was that.