Jen just jen

full :: transparency
2021-03-02 18:46:19 (UTC)

Back here again! This ..

Back here again! This morning's gone smoothly and quickly. Nick and I have plans for later, and there are a number of things i'd like to see myself attempt before then. Namely, a resume and outline of how i'd like to develop my personal skills, ideally. Although this is all conjecture of what i'll actually do. I mean, i have this committment issue when it comes to a great many things in my life, and it makes me nervous just now admitting it. But i want to work out some logistics about how long and how much effort it would take to build up a ux portfolio because it will be nice to have an out of my daily grind if I get this allstate job.

I'm rather nervous for it. I'm deeply familiar with the ways that interacting with people bring out my own anxieties and insecurities about who i am. I have a lot of trouble negotiating with myself on what i let bother me nowadays, and i know that it's going to be a strong learning curve to manage those feelings. Aside from this, even, I'm aware that my own work ethic is sparse at times. I take pause when i shouldn't, and i take steps back just to take a breath when i really need to be getting work done, often.

You can't tell any of this from the way i present myself or my resume, so I feel like the interview process is often a huge lie where i'm conning people into believing i can do this well. Part of me really does want to do this well. And that part of me has a good amount of confidence that i can. But another large part of me feels ungrounded in my identity- and that there are a lot of parts of me i'm going to have to leave behind in order to succeed at this sort of work. I know i'll get burnt out on the phones and speaking to people is already a struggle sometimes for me. And i know i already struggle to get through small decisions, unpressured, in my day. I know how being stressed can bring out the worst, shadier parts of me. I don't like being that person.

So there's a lot here to keep me stressed. I know there's a lot i'll need to work through. In the past, waitressing has put a similar pressure on me that i'd had trouble managing. I'm sort of glad i don't waitress anymore for it, but also, it seems like all the decent paying jobs involve a social service of some kind. And jesususususus.

So i know i'll need a way to stay grounded, or two. And writing here helps, for now, but not always. I know that last year i found some kind of balance in the expectations i had on myself and my personal life. And the work/life balance is going to be real hard to strike since this work is going to take up a lot of my personal worries.

I already feel like i'm drowning in it.
which is why i'm internally freakin gout.

but if i calm down, this is 100% do-able. I dont know if it's the self0 denial speaking or what, but i've made it through situations like these before (at what cost, though?)
This is where it gets confusing,

And, coincidentally, i was listening to a podcast with Tammy & Mikayla Peterson earlier, where tammy spoke about how if you are pushing something too hard, it isn't right for you. Which is one of those truisms that feel dangerous to live by, at least, in my experience. Because sometimes for survival you need to make things work, and it often goes against what feels easy.
It makes me frustrated that life doesn't work like that because it feels like i'm most in line with my spirituality when things go well.


I haven't wanted to write for the past 30 minutes or so because i find this practice embarrassing. Its something i've managed to get myself to do consistently for some time, but honestly, it always feels hard to push myself for the first hour or so. After that things start flowing. And it's embarrassing still to think i've been at it for an hour or so, because what else could i be doing?

Anyways, i'm laying down now. I was sitting up before but i figured getting comfortable would help me stick it out at least until this feels easy to do. The typing of my fingers on the keyboard alone takes up some energy that i have to get used to. And my eyes are feeling heavy today, even after the coffee. I wish i didn't have so much in me stilted toward giving up. That sludge in me that lets me take everything for granted is slowing me down.

There was another thing tammy peterson said in the interview that had me take pause. She talked about the cells in her body and how they 'turned away from her' when she had cancer. I do believe in that holistic view of the body that incorporates spiritual healing with physical healing, because it often strikes me as true in a way i can't explain. I mean, the scientific view of things only explain so much.

Tangentially, i often feel like Nick's science based way of solving his own bodily frictions isn't quite right. I feel as if he's avoiding some deeper issue he doesn't know how to solve. I'm here for him though because i'm often lost on my own unsolved deeper issue(s) and i don't want him to lose determination and strength.

I feel very broken inside. I guess i don't think i'm getting anywhere until I say just that. I feel like I need to rest and admitting that i feel broken is only something i can do here, which helps me relax a bit. It doesn't help that i dont know what to do, or i don't know that i have the strength to do it. I could find a way and feel determined along that path but part of me always will still feel tired inside. I'm afraid for that.

I'm almost sure that my brokenness has to do with my disconnect from a god, or higher spirit. and this is because i've refused to admit that a life well lived is a life in service of god. I feel if i'm always in service of god i'm losing myself to him, which, although positive, is hard for me to concieve. Because what of my past, of my personality, and what of the history that makes me unique? I know there is so much space to be made still for the people around me, and their healing, but then what about my healing? Is service really a way of healing oneself?

I think this perspective came naturally to me in childhood because I often found myself listening to the ones i loved- parents, my brother. I found that if I listened well and understood what it was they were really saying I'd find a piece of myself in them. Right now i'm not exactly sure what i'm meaning but I do have a strong sense that i was living in service of others as a child. I don't know if that was because i struggled to find space for myself or what.

Something in society tells me, or us, that we need to resolve these past issues, somehow. It's never a clear answer as to how. I guess, to make things right in yourself by moving forward with life is often the resolution, although it feels unclear, often. I know it's such a specific thing to each person.

Sometimes i think the way to heal myself is just to learn again to live in the present. But i'm never quite keen on letting go of the past. I can mostly let go, but I like to hold on just for my own stability. I know that i could probably find a way to strengthen my relationship with nick, and sustain myself through the uncertainty of a lost identity, although, it'd be such a vulnerable journey, i worry he wouldn't be able to handle it. It's a silly worry. The worry here is more that i wouldn't be protecting myself- because i know i've been hurt in the past. And then it comes down to trust.


I'm hungry again i suppose. It's quite a wonder how these thoughts are passable to me. I just have to keep typing so i don't pause to tear myself down. It's not that i'm underdeveloped or unskilled in speaking exactly, but more that i'm overwhelmed when i pause to compare at where i'd intended on letting my thoughts roam.

I just am always on the verge of a mental break. I know a good deal of habits in my life i'd need to break in order to really start taking steps in the right direction.

//

I'd just taken a break and went through my father's facebook page. Recently, when he'd helped me buy my new car, i'd come under the realization of how underappreciated he is. He's intellegent, discaplined, and he's got his priorities straight- i know a lot of people who can't say the same about their fathers.

I've only let myself grow resentment for him over the years for his faults. My father is exceptionally private a man. Even after all the long walks with him, I've only ever really gotten to know what he's wanted me to know about him. He has his philosophies and interests that he'll speak on, but it's hard for him to voluntarily give up the reason why he believes what he does. It's hard for me to follow in his footsteps because it's hard for me to find the roots of his beliefs. Although i have a lot of respect for the way he chooses to repay the things in his life he respects.

This all said, i need to be doing some things presently to do right by my own life. the responsibility that insinuates about me is terrifying. I'm angered in the moment that i have to give up the hurt that i've retained and give in to the good that life calls me to do. It's selfish, probably, but it also feels very primally true that i can feel myself hurting.

It's frustrating to think that the only way to stop hurting is to simply choose. I want to say that that is it. But even as i choose to stop letting myself feed into the thoughts that are causing me pain, i have trouble resolving the pain itself from it's own intent to wreak havoc on my life.

Going forward, i'm terrified. I grip to my pain like it's a comfort- as it's the only thing that understands how i interact with the world truly.

This is probably going to strange places, and dear reader, you don't need to continue reading. I don't like how i sound half of the time. But i know that honestly leads to a good place in the end.... right?

I have a bit of faith that past traumas do have an end and that it requires a lot of personal work in order to see it through, but, i'm potentially capable if i keep at it.
i'm exhausted already.

It's like i have this surface level of truama that rejects even the start of the effort. This takes a lot of energy. This takes a lot of willpower. And then i know that it seeems to take more energy and willpower further along the path toward healing. It's a constant choice you have to renew in order to stay light.

And feeling light is no easy chore- it requires discapline, and seeing through the many confusing moments in a day.

Like after i got back from working out- i had a desire to have coffee and mac n cheese. So after i showered and finally got up the energy to follow through, i had an apple while waiting for the noodles to cook, and i no longer really wanted the food i desired. I still had some, but it was utterly confusing to think i'd earned such a meal, and then turn on myself thinking that i didn't really need it, and that the meal would only make myself feel heavy. It was disappointing how a reward turned into a sort of self-punishment so quickly. It's like my mind requires constant vigilance in order to stay on my own right side. And it's funny how the 'right' side of my mind shifts with the way the wind changes. Frustrating.

I'm so hard to please most days. I don't know what to do with myself.

Nick should be coming over soon now. He asked for brussel sprouts with dinner, and i agreed although that means running to the store quickly before he arrives. I just want to make him happy all the time. Which is sort of a big thing to say because it provides a lot of hassle for me behind the scenes. But it's a hassle i'm trying to be glad to make.

Relationship dynamics can be so confusing. I know he'd do absolutely anything for me an a heartbeat and i just want to do the same for him.

I bought him a tie i found online earlier this week. I planned on giving it to him tonight, with no real explaination or reason really. I feel sort of guilty for it. Usually when i give a gift it feels sort of heavy for me to hand over. I've bought gifts before- personalized gifts- that i've never given. It's hard for me to express my feelings for another. I still haven't written nick a letter. I have strong feelings for him. The gift is meant to be a light thing.

I need to hang out with friends. Friends that make me forget about all these complicated feelings. It's the isolation that's getting to me.
I get angry when it comes to this idea of living a life of service because i haven't yet figured out how to give and recieve, and it's hard for me already in that front. I feel like living in service of others needs gives me personal value, but also makes me feel like i'm self-isolating still in my personal needs. it's a complicated line to draw and live by.

If i can just put these thoughts to rest now while i run to the store i'll be happy. I guess i'm getting tense again.

I'm worried about the interview tomorrow. I'm worried about the job. I still haven't touched my resume. I haven't gotten an online portfolio or outline of how i could find an alternate career pathway together. I don't really want to do anything that isn't figuring out how to manage my anxiety. My relationship with nick feels like it's riding on my relationship with myself, and my relationship with my own life, and i'd already had trouble alone. He does make it a bit easier, but i still have trouble clearing up my own priorities enough to truly appreciate what he means to me. And then when he does more for me just to make sure he is apart of my life despite my own mental health it crushes me because i know he deserves more that i don't know how to get myself to give him.

I'm getting dizzy in the midst of this. Sincerely dizzy. I need to go to the store soon. he's going to be here in 45. i need to get up and stop letting myself think so narrowly.

it's just that i'm so hard on myself, that i can feel it makes life harder.




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