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"D>E>A>T>H>M>E>T>A>L" by Panchiko
February 27, 2021 Saturday 1:34 PM
It's raining outside. I've opened the window a crack and my sill is wet. It smells like spring. The wind knocked my vitamin D onto the floor and it spilled everywhere, but it's alright, I picked it all up. I realized I'm almost out after taking vitamin D supplements daily since—I don't know, November? I realized in the shower that I haven't been this consistently happy in a long time, it feels like. I mean—I haven't had much of a break into bad shit in a while. This week was hard but I came out largely unscathed. I think I'm just glad the pills are really working.
I just read a thing called "the Kitchen Table series" for my poetry class. I think I liked it a lot. It was this series of pictures around a, y'know, kitchen table, and the little blurbs on the opposite page followed a relationship between a man and a woman through time. It kind of focused largely on the woman, more than the man, and the way she felt about womanhood and monogamy and all that. Eventually, the relationship sort of fell apart, but it was okay—like, she was okay.
For our assignment this week, we have to make a series of images based on our dreams. Vivid moments. I dunno—my dreams are pretty gay. Like, really. Not just gay but I probably make out with girls about as often as I do with boys. I had a particularly vivid dream in which I had a girlfriend and she was deeply hurt by my not giving her enough attention lololol. I realized we hadn't so much as held hands since we started dating and I felt really bad, considering I really wanted to eat her out, like, all the time. These do not mirror my desires in life, so that was interesting.
There was another assignment, and it was a six minute video of a little girl recounting dreams, the audio playing over some beautiful footage of her sleeping. It made me feel a little uncomfortable and sick and I was glad when it was over. I don't like seeing childrens' bodies. I immediately think of pedophiles—which I know is a fucked up reaction to have, but it's about half the reason I am afraid of children. One of my pervasive fears is that I am a pedophile (even though I've literally never been interested in that... and am in fact always really interested sexually in men and very occasionally women). I looked at the child and she had no blemishes and I wondered if pedophiles loved that children have no blemishes or hair. I wish I had no blemishes or hair, lol. Isn't that a problem? I sometimes wish I was hairless and non-sexual. Not even asexual, but just—absolutely absent of sex. Anyway, children scare me because of those intrusive thoughts and so I really didn't like the video. I wondered if I'd be okay seeing my child's body if I ever have kids. Or will I be just as afraid? Afraid like when my sister leaned her head on my shoulder during Reservoir Dogs when I was 14? Why did that scare me so much that I remember it 7 years later?
It's because I felt a jolt of sensation at the touch. I felt like I hadn't been touched in years and my response was too strong. It made me feel ashamed. I am not ashamed when I look at children—I am just half-disgusted and afraid. Partly because of how unpredictable they are, and partly because of their bodies. Maybe you could call me an inverse pedophile... lol nevermind I don't want that word associated with me literally at all, lmao.
Ok. I have a meeting now. I feel pretty weird leaving on this note. Part of me wonders if this all has to do with my experience with Stephanie, and if maybe I think of child bodies in disgust because I thought of my own body as disgusting after, ya know, being penetrated as a 4 yo lmaoooo. Maybe that's it haha. Ok byeyeeee.
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