nin137

Not so Happy Friday

yeah this is a bitching post, so if you're not in the mood, just swipe left (sorry that's the dating apps talking). talking about dating apps, this Seinfeld clip explains exactly how I feel about it: https://youtu.be/4-DJPGexKQ4
don't be overzealous, don't be too laid back, but more than anything just try to act cool. right now I'm messaging (via the dating app) with one lady. trying to up that to a phone call over the weekend.

like I said, I'm partially excited and also slightly depressed about the dating apps. it is what it is. at least I'm trying.

I experienced a few hurdles today. to be reinstated as an attorney (after 4 years working abroad) I need to complete 45 hours of classes. ugh. oh well, I can do it. I got denied medicaid (yes I'm that poor) because of a duplicate application. so I called, was on hold for an hour, then it disconnected on me. nice.

but I'm trying my best to not let these things get me down. I am really trying to be a good person. oh and there's the other thing. since I had to give up my USA driver's license to get my foreign driver's license I now have to retake the entire driving exam to get a valid US license. meaning I get a learner's permit for 2 months and then take the test, etc. sigh.

but again, just not letting all that bring me down. I do some online AA meetings and I hear what people have to deal with. the shit that people have to deal with. it gives me strength. some people's lives are immeasurably harder than mine. I hate to use the word since I'm an atheist, but I really feel blessed. I mean, a year ago I was drinking myself to death. I was hospitalised and really almost dead, I was just waiting to die. I had lost my wife, my job, everything. I was literally drinking myself to death. not figuratively, but a bottle of vodka and six beers literally.

today I am alive. I am healthy. I am doing okay. I'm not always happy. I'm sometimes pretty sad about all that I have lost. and I'm not gonna lie, I am also somewhat discouraged. I mean another 45 hours of law credits? being on the phone with medicaid for another hour? retaking the whole driver's exam?

but what is all that in comparison to being alive? to enjoying having my brother's dog breath in my face with his bad dog breath? with the excitement of maybe finding someone new to share my life with? the excitement of becoming a new and better person? sure it will all take a lot of time. but I have patience. it is hard to have patience. like it is said, patience is a virtue. but I have it. it is hard. but is worth it. it is worth it. and I will do it.