legacy

If I die today
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2021-02-26 07:06:00 (UTC)

not sayin what I thought

2more days on DTE. I' m up to on teaspoon and 3.4 so tommorw and sunday ill do 1tsp in morning and one night and then call it quits seems like i've gotten some beneifits thou. I'm tired I took 3 1mg slow release melations last night. still grinding I'm really really having trouble with the grinding and considering tenitures is soo tempting but I dont know if thats right by God. I could also drink but all I have is sagria and im sure the ones I have are high in sugar. I would just want some red wine for the evening . My budget is a freakshow IDK if its gonna be as great as I exspected I spent my 50$ gift card at dollar tree my total came to like 56 something , My meds for all refills except the allergy pills was 20$ so not too bad but ugh. hineslty well I dont take meds anyway.. I'll probaly use my inhaler for emergencyies and maybe an epipen but hope not. Then well the rest is for giggles I guess for the stockpile but if I do need the midorine I'll have it and the headache meds I really preffer to have on hand. But I'm defintly not following anything as exactly prescribed.. I got my rent check. i'm down to a little over 50$ cash on hand. Evently my spectrum bill will get here so I can see wheere that stands. i had planned on going to the grocery store tonight with nDea but idk if he got the memo or if its slipped his brain and I'm scared to ask. but we are exspecting a call today that the ring will be in. so We'll see. As far a nDea omg soo I didnt have the conversation I thought it took a spin but in a gentle way he said to me you really hurt my feelings yesterday and that opened up the conversation. I guess he really wants me to tell him who is bothering me and what happened and also he just he wanted tos pend time with me wendsday and said he was rushing aroung with her to get back and he thought i would be in at 5 and I wasnt I didnt answer my (cell ) phone and that made him worry then when he called the house phone and I did answer he didnt know if he suprised me or if I didnt want to see him and he didnt understand why I didnt want to tell him what happened and why I didnt want him to come over. SO we talked and I exsplained not an excuse but I'm autistic and its embarsshing (he knows I am ) but see when I'm overwhelmed a lot of times the first thing I wanna do is be left alone so maybe 5min maybe 5days lol but its what I do when I'm overwhlemed. I also told him that everything makes me neervous so an innocent gesture can leave me with all kindsa concernbut he seems to think that I have good judgemtn. Anyhow I also told him that sometime I read between the lines otheer times like when you say do you want coffee? All I hear is do you want coffee to me that does not add up to do you want ME? or do you want me to come over. i'm very literal facevalue and no I didnt want coffee and well crap if he would have said do you want me to come over IDK if that moment I would have said sure or leave me alone. IDK then briefly we got around to he kept saying it was not good of him to ask me for coffee then turn around and say I'm going out with her. I pointed out well all I know is im getting messages your getting bithced at and not happy then you turn around and text that your takin that person out for a ride what am I supposed to make of that I dont like it when people treat you like shit eitehr just like you dont want my neighbors jerkin me around. Its not just about her OMG his boss drives me crazy when she's rude to him . I mean anyone so why the hell would you wanna go ahead and do something with someone who makes you feel like shit. sooo IDK we seem ok. We're back in the clear I think but for me inside unspoken I just dont want to try to count on him for anything. I'm also kinda sad bc I made dinner in the crock pot. I mean I gotta eat anyway but we had talked about it earlier this week maybe he forgot? then he mentioned he was gonna grab something on the way home and I said theers food but maybe I should have speficly stated i made us food and I'm hungry? Idk but also my cooking can be awful so maybe I've fed hims omething nasty before and he didnt want my food so I'm just not going to offer him food anymore. It does feel like I have nothing to offer my furniture isnt great for a bad back. My cooking sucks. IDK so I suppose we will just roll with the punches. I dont wanna wear him thin eitheer and its been a busy workweek for him as well as housedrama that I mean I dont know the lady an dwhat she needs or how she feels or thinks so how can I asess anything or judge. If he doesnt mention the grocery store today then I wont if we go somehwree myabe ill ask but if not meh I actually have to make room in my fridge I have about 3days of leftovers and I wanted to use these coupons but I guess thats not important. The wind today is sever up to like 50mph wind ghust all day tappering off after 9p so not worth the hassel anyway plus this is all my budget I do not get more foodstamps till the 6th. IDK whats killing me today. I watched the fullerton informer 2. (the 2channel) I found new videos from this week and it still strikes me again how cowardly I am and how much courage it does take to do what is right and to make those choices that are best for you and others and how much courage does it take to share the truth. Im very aware yet again how meek and timid and comprising I am. I'm also very upset about the autism I do believe it is effecting my love and relationship because I'm having a few commuction issues that I think are a part of the disorder then I'm also having behaviours like isolating that I think might be a little offensive. So theres that while some of my attidudes and such are not related I do feel like I have a dysfunction and its a struggle and its sad to me. For exercise I'm really thinking about skipping carido just doing classical stretch this morning and on fridays most often theres no pm workout unless I run and the wind does not promote that today. Well I gotta poop so I better go but as far as health goes things are moving along.


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