simplebug

Little book
2021-02-25 07:51:23 (UTC)

Stagnant

A lot has changed since I have last sat down to think about myself. So much. Lately I feel like I am on pause. I know everyone else does too but I feel so stale. In so many ways. My room has gotten so dirty I can’t stand to be in it. I really appreciate that my parents don’t mention anything about it. The truth is I think I am ___. I don’t want to say it because maybe then it’s true. And if it’s true, then maybe I’ll have to take medication. I’m so scared of that. I don’t want it to change me, hollow me out even more or make me fat. Fatter than I already am. Yet, I don’t have any motivation to change that about myself either. The truth is, I am constantly fighting myself. I know it’s just the human experience but it’s so confusing. It’s endless. I think I’m a good person, decently funny, kind, I never want to hurt or inconvenience others. Sometimes I even think I’m pretty. I see that girl and I want to give her a break. But I’ve been giving myself a break everyday since starting college in 2019. Sometimes I get so sick of coddling myself, so sick of being stuck I need a quick fix change. Always a smidge unplanned and on the fly, but it’s the only way I can think of to get a step closer to a new, less bland me. The first time I bought a fish. The second time I dyed my hair from blonde to brown. Then I got my cartilage pierced. It’s not enough but at the same time it just feels like another break, in a different form. Like the feeling you get when you pick out a new book you know you’ll never read. You have so much fun choosing the right one, sifting through interesting plots, choosing one with a pretty cover. And you’re so proud to put it on your nightstand, for anyone who enters your room to see that lovely novel. But it just sits. And eventually it will migrate to the bookshelf full of other pretty books you never read. I am worried that’s what I am to other people. I just want one person who will read me. But, I see myself so poorly. I see my weight, my bad attitude, my mood and I don’t want anyone else to see that. I’m embarrassed. It’s why I talk to so many people on dating apps but never have anything to show for it. I want a real connection but I don’t think I deserve that. At the same time I am far too stubborn to settle or give into the idea that I need to change to please others. Stagnant. What’s worse is I understand how undesirable those thoughts are in a relationship. I certainly wouldn’t want to date someone who constantly felt that way about themselves. Of course I would be compassionate, but between the level to which I feel this way about myself and how often I get too comfortable enough to spill my guts, I’d run for the hills. No one wants to play therapist to that extent and no one should. And how horrible of me to chalk up my problems to “if I just felt love, or not so alone, everything would disappear or change”. How unfair and selfish, that’s not what a relationship is at all! Hence, I am alone, as I guess I should be for now. I only love a small part of me and I don’t know how to fix the rest. And, at the moment I am too tired to. I have been for so long. All I want to do right now is curl up in the snow and sleep for forever.




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