Darkcrow

Beatrice
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2021-02-24 08:21:41 (UTC)

Anxious for Move-In Day

Move-in day isn't like it once was. Simple and easy. Move-in day was a day that I looked forward to. All I had to do to prepare was pack a few boxes (that may not have even been unpacked), text my roommate about any plans to get our things back from a storage unit and buy my books.

Move in day now is not so simple. Move-in day now is make sure all the bills are paid up, pack some boxes, get rid of the things you don't need (which I suppose we did on move-out day), sell the books you don't need/want, take the days off work and so on. I'm so stressed right now. We might have to pay rent at two places for two months because I fucked up. I can't really afford that. Blake said not to worry about it because he can cover that. But then he's just going to keep reminding me of all the money that I owe him all the time. If it's not everyday, it's every other day. He makes (literally) twice what I make.

He doesn't really have to worry about finances like I do. He just told me in bed, "I have to work 6 days this week. I already made my K for this paycheck." Wish I had that same lesiure. And yet, I always have to owe him something. I hate owing anyone anything. I don't have $800. I can't just spend $800. That's most of what I make in a month. That's rent for some people. $800. I hate it. I've been thinking about picking up doordash lately to make a couple of extra bucks here and there. It would help me a lot.

Again, my head is just everywhere and I don't know what to do.

But on the other hand, I think I might be developing an eating disorder with this diet thing. But it makes me feel good. I started dieting last Saturday I believe. I fucked up once but still, I've lost 4.8 lbs since then. It's so nice to see that number keep going further and further down so quickly. But at the same time, I know that's not healthy at all. Sometimes, I won't eat dinner because I don't want to add up the calories or I think about how's that's going to help me lose more weight faster. Blake doesn't seem to notice too much. My APRN has set my calorie intake at 1200 or less. Rarely do I ever make it to 1200. There are days where I'll just splurge. I don't know why. But then I won't eat anything for the rest of the day. Or if it's at night, I'll be extra careful the next day.

Yesterday I ate 2 eggrolls, a protein shake, and a cup of mandarin oranges. If you want to get technical, I also had a piece of gum (which was too sweet for my teeth) and my nutritional gummies. Which is normal for me now. I also know beyond anything, that it's not healthy.

I should've stayed at work. I may have made more than $20. I went to walmart and got gas and all of that was about....$80-$100. I might need to take money out of my savings. I don't know. I hate all of this.

But again, I feel like I get more control over my life with this diet thing. Because for one, I don't have to spend as much on groceries or food. I've spent less than $25 eating out since I've started this. Which is crazy for me. But I've also spent $70-$80 on groceries yesterday so...pros and cons I guess. Um....there's so much for me to not worry about and yet I do.

For example, I have about $100 until Friday. I don't need to buy anything (except my back taillight that I just haven't brought myself to buy yet). Rent is due on the first, but I can pay that with my paycheck I'm getting that will....fuck...it'll be probably less than $200. I'll be fine. Everything will be fine. I'll be alright.

It's getting so hard because there's so much change so quickly and I feel like I don't have the strength to stand on my own two feet. Which is the most important thing in this world to me. That I will be okay on my own without someone else's help. Or worse, that I put myself in that position. And I have. Shit....

But I'll make it. I'll be fine. I finished a puzzle yesterday. Maybe I'll pick up another one. They help.


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