Nihilist Cowboy

A Sick Man, A Spiteful Man, An Unattractive Man
2021-02-23 19:21:20 (UTC)

2/23/2021 Thoughts: Grieving of Alternate Futures

Work was regular I suppose, read two chapters of Notes From Underground during lunch, two hour supervision (now 4% the way to clinical licensure). Walked three miles again on the trail at work. I caught myself checking my phone when I woke up, at 2pm, and 5pm to see if maybe I got anything from G. After being deep in thought during my walk, I had a thought. While this thought could be dumb, profound, or somewhere in the middle, I think it at least warrants a discussion. Also, I have typed of a message to both G and S to send out as a farewell message to both, but I am torn, because both have ignored my messages, and I would be breaking the cardinal rule of sending more than three messages without receiving a response. If someone does not respond back to three messages within a reasonable amount of time, it means they probably don't give a shit. The key is a "Reasonable amount of time." Do not start sending back to back texts and get pissy when they either ignore or get angry. Trust me on this, take this one thing from a crazy man's journal as truth, dont over message.

The question that needs to be analyzed is: What if a large portion of my grief comes from not only the loss of someone from the present, but a loss of a future that involved the person? How could it be possible that one grieves over the future, something that has not yet happened compared to the here and now? After someone does the inevitable and goes away since we have already proved that "Everybody Leaves," I would always feel some sort of feeling of loss, whether the person came into my life this year of a decade ago. Before the hypothetical person leaves, I would conjure up conversations that we could have, places to go, things to do, and all depending on the type of relationship. The closer the friendship and or crust, the more intense colorful thoughts poured into my head. Inevitably, something happens, and all the differing alternate timelines involving that person disappear back into the void, back into the realm of impossibility. I despair over the loss of possibilities as much as I despair of the person themselves.

In 2013, I found myself working nights cleaning floors at the newly opened heart hospital. The shift of absolute boredom ended at 4am and I would make the drive home. I would immediately begin to drink until I passed out. Without fail I would wake up mid afternoon with the sun streaming through a gap in the curtains. The blinding sun would give way to a deep blue summer sky. My mind would run crazy, I would imagine not working nights, not being home, but being in Alexandria with Stephanie. That humid, thick air would fill my lungs just thinking about it. After a few moments, the feelings would dissipate, I would never be in Alexandria with Stephanie again, this future was no longer possible and I had a very hard time accepting it. I would imagine us driving around the mall (not sure why since I hate malls).

In the case of Blaire, I did not grieve the loss of the relationship since both of us were pretty unhappy, but I was melancholy for weeks after we broke up. All I could think about was living the small town Arkansas life, opening up a small private practice in town, and finding a patch of dirt where I could go play "farmer Zach," and of course I grieved losing her parents, niece, and nephew in my life.

Even with people who I never actually met in person, despair came when they left. In the case of G, I always had the intense daydream of being in her hometown, walking through her hometown feeling the frigid air from the North Sea. The cold mist enveloped us as we walked down a street next to a creek lined with modern, mid century box buildings. Although my feelings were different than hers, this thought was completely Platonic, and yet I grieve over it now being an impossibility. I looked out of my window today at work and imagined us walking down the walking trail, something I now know will never happen.

None of this is to say that I do not miss the "present" with people, over the last few weeks, I have noticed my phone being much more quiet, and I used to wake up in the middle of the night to check messages from all of my friends in different time zones. Well almost all friends from different timezones have left the building, and yet like clockwork, I wake up at 1am, and 430am to check my stupid phone.

My mind hurts now, and I cannot think of much more to talk about now, but I would like to finish this discussion tomorrow or some other time. The question I am leaving now: Is the loss of a future a form of real grief when compared to losing the daily and present moments with another person?

Note: I got my tax return today, now 60% of the way to having a down payment to a house. I was also paid today, and starting now until July, all of my savings percentage is going into my retirement account instead of the house fund in order to make myself remember the bad decisions I have made the last three years regarding today's topic.

My apologies to the hypothetical reader of this drivel due to my complete unorganization of thoughts.

Things will get better




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