༺ ♡.PINKY.♡ ༻

Ramblings & RL Stories
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2021-02-23 15:21:13 (UTC)

Needed Nap

Thank you for the contradiction
The do as I say, not as I do’s
The teaching through acts
The mind games with words

You made me who I am
Then complain about what you see
Yet here I am at a low
You not giving what I need

Anger, hatred, criticism
Is it a twisted game?
Love and understanding
Are they alien to you?

You gave me everything
Yet restricted its use
How can I function?
Whilst dreaming of a noose

You destroyed my sanity
Just leave me be
Bottling up my vanity
Emotions don’t flee

I didn’t even get in to grab my shower. Put the paint lid on, cleaned the brush, crawled into bed at 11:15 and crashed. Just now waking up. And it’s 3:15pm.

I’m still, exhausted as all hell.
I don’t get it.

Walked out to grab the non essential mail. Grabbed one of my “That’s It” health mini fruit bars. And can’t wait to see which gift she picked for me, or when it will get here. Been wanting one for over a year. They were never on Amazon to buy, and she knows I’m struggling, so ordered one. I’d like to eventually order the second one I liked. Will be awhile, I’m so late on my credit cards this month. Missed every last payment. Nothing I can do but take the hit.

Found out a family member goes in for surgery March 6, so hope it’s an in and out procedure. Home the same day? Will ask more when I’m feeling better. I think it’s the drastic change in the weather affecting part of me, the other half is my head. I know I truly battle depression, because I’m emotionally needy.

I really hope they put me on something to help me feel more upbeat. If I remember correctly, this time of the year was when I struggled the most with my narcolepsy. I was dozing off behind the wheel within 15 minutes. That’s why I was forced on medical leave. This is the time of year I fell asleep on the sidelines of my sons football practices. I was falling asleep as I was cooking. This is when it rears it’s ugly head. And the fact, I haven’t been sleeping much the past three months, it’s probably going to go into overdrive.

Will see how it goes, but as I look back on history, the past 2 years, this is the same time every year it started and by August, I was asleep more than awake, no matter what medications they put me on.

The heavy snow is melting off the roof and the 2x4s are holding still. Thank heavens.

I had nightmares again, as I slept. I dreamt of my ex. Is it sad to say there are things I miss? He was needy, more than myself, but didn’t mind it. Never felt alone, till the end when things went south. He got too comfortable and used my weakness’s against me, and I withdrew into a dark shell. Still trying to recover from K, my ex, ended up repeating history, I just learned to not fight this time around. I really don’t want to think on it. I’m not in a good place today.

*deep sigh*

I feel the pain in both shoulders today, the pressure change.
I want to finish the painting, but don’t have the energy. I never even grabbed my shower yet.

Think I will get up, run the tea kettle and make some of my orange hot tea. Or the lemon energy tea. Hopefully that will help. Cook the salmon for dinner, and grab my shower then. I can finish painting tomorrow.

I have two appointments tomorrow, one at 1 and one at 3.

It’s beautiful outside tho. Still chilly for my liking, and very muddy with a ton of snow still to melt, but absolutely beautiful.

I have some messages that I’ve neglected for a few days I should probably respond to everyone. Just haven’t been in the mood to yap with too many people, but think I should. I’m kinda sinking and need to force myself to reach out, and run with it.
People, come in and out of our lives, for a reason, might not always be to fulfill something in our lives, but for them. I have a few, that have not given up on messaging me, so, I should respond, even if it’s a Hey, I’m alive, hang on. If they reply, awesome. If not, they moved on. No biggie.

I did get 1/2 the painting done, laundry done, a nap in, so all positives.
Now, to start digging up the spring clothes and put the winter clothes away, all but 4 winter outfits. Get the sunburn stuff out, and dread, having to call my ex Limp, to get my lawnmower going. I can’t physically push mow the yard, I had my heart attack last year while push mowing. So really need the old shitty rider going. It needs an engine.
*dreadful pit in my stomach*
Took 4 1/2 hours to push mow this yard. Damn. Had forgotten with the warmer weather wishing, all these things come back. Well, oh well.

But, shit, shit, shit. Well, more shit. 😂🤣

Come on disability. Maybe by then I will be approved and can move and have someone do it for me....or I buy a new rider.
Never know.
Money opens up, so do other things. My pedicure and manicure.....means my confidence is better. Warmer, slinkier clothing, more confidence. My summer vacation to Florida, (oh shit, I gotta lose some weight to look good in my bikini)....
I really gotta work on that. Means hitting the bike 3 times a day instead of one. Will do it at mealtime. Push myself short walks, 10 minutes at a time throughout the day. Gets warmer, grab the oils and get burnt a few dozen times to get a slight change in skin color. I know how men like the tan skin, bigger whohas, and less tighter clothing. I shouldn’t worry so much.......I am 50. I did have five children. Most can’t tell I have. But, still, insecurity of eyes not on this prize......
Another topic, I don’t care to dabble in.

I’m going to cook my dinner.
I think G is more than likely sleeping. Looks like I missed his call at 1230 when I was sleeping. Seeing as it’s almost 345, he’s more than likely sleeping, and I am not going to wake him up. He works tonight. I hope he calls when he wakes up, if not, I guess we try talking an hour again tomorrow morning.

We used to talk a ton, miss it. We used to openly discuss things.

I still treasure the hell outa him. Still have him up on his box. Still have that desire, specially to grab his face, he hates it. My feelings haven’t changed. Still want what I want. Doesn’t always mean we get what we want.

Ok, going to shut up, and go cook....and wash dishes as I’m cooking.


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