I'll take a good day
As per my previous entry, I felt utterly shit and alone a few days ago. Yet, today has been a good day.
Nothing new or exciting happened, we're still in lock down and still can't do anything but nothing bad happened, work wasn't horrendous and the little one slept through the night. Even if he did wake up at 5am, I'll take an undisturbed sleep.
Over the weekend we went for drive, just a way to get out the house. Stopped and walked new placed with the little one and I honestly think that a change of scenery did me some good, did give us some good.
I felt crap again Sunday night, and I have to say the other half noticed this time and offered to sit with me and come of the x-box, however at this point I did just want to sleep. It was one of those moment where you just wanted to be alone, I think it was partly down being unsure what would come the next day.
The government's announcement wasn't great but I feel as if is something - we're getting there in some way, I still don't know how I feel about the whole actual thing because truth is overtime I've become a bit more skeptical about what truths are being told, and what isn't. But that is just me, it is just how I think and I how about it and that is okay. We're all going to think and believe different things.
Each day I am trying to remind myself that we will get there, that I will get there, I'll find the person I used to be and I'll feel okay everyday. I don't really know when my depression truly hit. It is something I have been thinking about a lot lately, and I do feel it stems way back before my relationship. I was care free, spent most weekends out and enjoying myself but when I really, really think about it I remember that a lot of the time when i wasn't out and I wasn't drinking, I wasn't happy, I was bored. I felt like i had nothing else to do, this feeling of being miserable when I wasn't busy pretty much goes back to after my first serious relationship and break up.
The break up and after math was awful, but then HE was awful. It took me sometime but I realized many years ago that all through out that relationship i was controlled - I wasn't allowed to really see my friends or go out, and we didn't go out anywhere. Even down to the food we ate, if he didn't want it, we didn't get it simple as that. I was treated like shit, told off for letting him sleep in the afternoon after work cos it wasted his evening or told off for waking him up cos he was tired. I could never win, it would often be my fault if he was late to work, yet he was the one snoozing or turning off him alarm, I was lazy cos I only worked part time yet I worked any extra hours I could and I was looking endlessly for full time work. I wasn't allowed my own key to the place a basically lived at, I had to go and get him from his place of work, like he had to know when I was there and when I'd be leaving. Eventually my friends stopped coming around, and if I went out with them I'd be locked out. I'd be kicked out with no money and no keys in the cold when we'd argue, because they where 'always my fault'. Told to return when I had learnt to 'grow up'.
I was pushed and held against walls, never hit but certainly made scared.
And in the end, it ended. I had spent the night just as I had always, only to be wake up to him being in an ass and of course are argument perused and within less than a hour of waking, I was told to pack up my shit and leave... I had nothing to stand on, he owned the house and I was never legally classed and living there cos he didn't want me to registered as living there as he didn't want to extra council tax charge..
I also know I was cheated on, cheated on with the girl from his work... hardly surprising considering his entire history of dating was all to do with dating someone he worked with - it is how we met before he changed jobs.
5 months after our relationship ended the other girl was pregnant by him, thought he babies birth date proves we was together when she became pregnant yet he told me he never wanted kids at least not that point in his life, or when we was together.
I think around then is when my depression began because that is when I changed, I had to be around someone, I hated being alone and I always wanted to be out, drinking and forgetting the reality of my life. I'm not good at being alone, perhaps it is because I don't want to be that girl again but as sad as it sounds I've always found comfort in relationships and feeling loved - even if that love was false, i just had to cling on to it.
Pretty unhealthy right?
But now I know, despite our differences I have someone who loves me for me. Why? because he will apologize when he is wrong,it isn't my fault all the time. He tries to be there for me the best he can, though lately it has been hard but I do think it is because we're all struggling.
I don't even know where all this came from, but perhaps it is something I've been needing to get off my chest and out my brain. It has come from somewhere, maybe a place I've been hiding from for a very long time.