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2021-02-23 19:30:55 (UTC)

I'm A psychopath

I don't think I've ever been able to confront my true self, ever. Is it just me or is it scary that you're never going to truly uncover yourself for anyone? The teachers tell me "Weakness isn't a bad thing", "crying is good", " God says to come as you are", this corrupted head of mine says differently. I find it utterly embarrassing when people see you vulnerable, it just makes you look like prey and a tool used to their advantage. Recently in church, we've been told that people like us are scared to open up because our disguise is bigger than our true selves, that's bullshit. I only portray myself in that way so that people don't look at me as if I'm crazy, or coldhearted, even though I like to live that way.

I know what you're thinking, that's a fucked up way to live. But can you tell me that everyone is well-intended? That when you hang out with me you're not seeking to gain anything, like my trust, or my heart? I don't ever want to live to someone else's agenda. I'm NOT A TOY.
I asked my friends yesterday, Would you still love me if I were a psychopath? They looked at me as if I were losing my head. A lot of them said of course, but deep down I know I made them uncomfortable.

I especially asked my potential lover, and he said " Yes, without a doubt". When I asked him why he gave me the most peculiar answer. He said, " I know people like that can be sane if they wanted to, but my liking towards you will remain the same because I see you not you're mental illness."

No one has ever looked at me that way... my whole life I was treated as an outcast and yet someone was able to see good in something that I thought was long gone. I'm not going to say it changed me, but it did make a significant thought in my mind. It left me thinking maybe he knew from the beginning my illness, but why would he stick around? I hurt him and everyone around me with words and yet he stood by me still. I don't believe in the word love because I think it is used carelessly, but he seems to love/like something that doesn't love him back, and that something is me and I don't know why. It sickens me but yet it intrigues my interest.

~ Insidia

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