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Dailylog2021
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2021-02-23 06:25:49 (UTC)

Tuesday morning coffee Death is in the air...

I rarely turn on a TV at all to watch news stations. Been a while. But today, I did. I turned on Newsmax...just to see what was going on this morning. There was this guy named Rob Carson talking about Rush passing away and a little about how he come to know and write for Rush years ago...I swear man...that was a real kick. Losing Rush absolutely does leave a slot open in our lives...for someone like him to fill. But we should realize that dreams are dreams...when people pass on..they are gone. We can not get them back...or just flip a switch to bring them back. ( cut tv off again )

Many times, I just rode around in my car a little longer when I was on my way home listening to Rush on AM radio. Until recently I did not have a radio to listen to AM inside the house...so if I wanted to hear Rush, I had to listen from my car. I have sit in my garage before just listening to the rest of his broadcast before....he was a magnet for ears seeking the truth....a true patriot...and will be missed....and most likely never replaced.

Just like my daughters dad....I have dealt with his loss since 1980. If ever I needed someone to stay around a little longer to help me...give me guidance....it was him. I have went to sleep praying for just one dream....so I could see his face...or hear his voice. In time....those dreams were farther apart to none. I see his face in her face now....or in the granddaughters....and I wonder what would all of our lives be like if he were here? Would we be dysfunctional or close? Would we have lots of memories...family times...and would these girls be in love with him like I was...damn.

Oh well...one thing....he would not want us to miss him so much that we are held back...or do not move on....we all need to move on....we need to seek a better day....or another day....we need to be the best we can to ourselves...to one another...our fellow man......we need to keep the faith alive....we need to continue to create memories....

MEMORIES!! For the past year almost...we have stopped our memory making events....we have been stuck at home...or in a small room we share inside someone's house...or basement...we have been forced to stop reaching out to one another...to stop hugging....stop getting together....made to believe it is wrong to do so....illegal in fact...

.....as we watched violent protesters marching and burning down buildings...turning on the police...the law...of our land trampled on....and that was not seen much on TV...but on social media from I-phones...FACEBOOK LIVE....for real...in person accounts....people pissed off....even after Biden was elected....what the hell are people so pissed off about? WHY? Sure...we live in a unfair world.....I have experienced it....felt the pain too...but not once did I feel I should go downtown...and throw a rock through a police car...or burn down town hall....never crossed my mind.....

sure....I got a granddaughter....who could not go to college....a smart girl....who worked her butt off....packed up and went to central NC to rent a place near the college she wanted to attend...got a job...near by....but she could not make enough money to pay the fee to attend that college.....she was heart broken....she had to realize then...that her life which she had lived pretty much happy and content....was just happy and content because she loved her mom and dad....and had a good life....not because any of us had a lot of money.....we all struggle around here. She woke up quick realizing she needed to come back toward home...and work a job that she knew she could make money and just attend a few classes here and there to build up her experience. She wanted to be a teacher..... but she is a waitress....with two jobs...to pay rent and a car payment and all that other stuff that is not free.

In the meantime...her younger sister graduated from high school....signed up to take some classes on line...but had no desire to go to work....until finally after over a year...she decided to give it a try....working part time....to have gas money...has a boyfriend...she goes to stay with some of the time...so she is starting her life....but not the same way as her older sister....

and then there is the youngest....was in school too long....not out of high school yet and hates all of us. She hates me...and her other grandparents...and her mom and dad....she literally hates our guts. Damn. It is hard to believe that she would have us as her family and hate us like this.

Being raised in a foster home was no holiday...or dream come true....but I never hated them....I tried so hard to make it mine...real...I wanted it to be mine and real....I felt so lucky back then. But now? Shit. If her grandfather was alive...I think sometimes....would he be able to reach her? Would her having him in her life....be the one thing she is missing now? And I am not trying to blame her attitude on him....she never ever met him....but although she may not realize it...but every time she looks in the mirror...she sees his face. Yeah....she does.

What the fuck? And the rest of the world right now? With all the deaths and people still dying...and the truth coming out slowly.....what the fuck? I heard today that a girl on facebook....from my highschool years...posted that her aunt....who is in her mid 70's.....passed away. Rarely ever sick...a healthy woman...usually....but about a month after taking her second vaccine....she suffered a horrible death...it took her a week to die. Her lungs were dying...she was throwing up her own blood....they said afterwards...that her lungs were literally dying...and deteriaing inside her body and her struggling to breathe....only broke them up...which caused her to be strangling on her own blood and pieces of her dying lungs. Sorry that sounds graphic...but guys...you need to hear this shit. We won't learn a damn thing about this shit....none of it.....not on the news.....

do you realize that more people have died from this shit or the vaccines...than in all of our wars? Or most of them?

The people coming up with the restrictions...are the ones with all the money....not many of them know a damn thing about health matters...being sick or getting well....they just know the planet has way too many people on it...and there is a need for population reduction. And no one outside of their circle.....you...me...the people next door...or up the road....or sitting in waiting rooms praying for miracles...none of us have a clue to what is really going on here?

So they fuck up the lives of my granddaughters...by allowing other people into colleges for free...and those who work for a living are charged such high fees...they can not afford to go.....so that young person has to fin for themselves....
they can get a job or two and stuggle to survive....which most do....or they can become sinners walking the street....doing drugs....living the nasty life...until they die....which is usually the case.....or they can stay under the blanket waiting the smell of bacon to wake them up....and never grow up....expecting the parents to keep them up....forever...or...or....what else?

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON PEOPLE?

Are we gonna make it? Do we need to be brainwashed a little more....like the Coca Cola company is doing?
Seriously? We are considered white...and we are already treated like we are much less white than society wants the world to believe...no one is treating us special nor ever have.......we treat ourselves special....if we can....

My granddaughter did not go burn down Eastern Carolina cause it did not work out....she decided that she liked that used Jeep she was driving so much that she wanted to get a new one....and live with a roommate near CCP in Charlotte...sure...her time is took up...with 2 jobs...but her goals are being met...and her future is as bright as her hard work will allow.

So...my point is....sure...people die.....sometimes our dreams die....life can be a can of worms but we have to figure out how to make it.....do we go fishing or do we eat worms? All that is up to us....

and now...I am tried....this morning is the beginning of what I pray will be a successful day....

I need some listings....or transactions under contract.....I will try to hold myself back...from being bitter....or pissed off....if it does not work out today like I hoped...but to live through a day...a day with no rain....should be pretty darn good.

I know I know...you want to know what is really going on.....why am I babbling this morning....

well, the truth is....I got a message last night from my niece that my biological sister is not doing so good....
the last time this girl told me....her brother has not been told yet...but he is on his way home....and they will tell him this morning.....last time I heard that.....death was knocking on the door.......

I feel very sad about all this....feeling regretful that i did not reach out more to her....or try harder to get passed the pain of being abandoned by our mother....she got passed it.....I did not. So, the difference between us created a wedge that neither could get passed.

I won't say...think about me today.....

instead....think about her....her kids....and grandkids....as I know they all adore her so much.....
and hate this....I hate this....

thank you for that.....


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