Day In the Life of an American Teen
There is honestly no greater feeling than getting what I want by working loopholes. Feeling superior to Rachel because I can outsmart her stupid ways of stealing and hiding my things is the best feeling in the world. Feeling superior to Nick, because I learned to start wearing multiple layers of clothes as padding so it doesn't hurt when he hits me is the best feeling in the world.
I can truly do whatever I want with zero consequences. What are they going to do? Hit me? I'll just add it to the long list of things to resent them for when I leave.
There's no end date. There's no '5 months' of being grounded or going a certain amount of days 'being good' and I get something in return. So it doesn't really matter. I can play video games whenever I want without a guilty conscience because I know I'm not doing anything wrong. It's so nice to be able to play without worrying that Leo will look at my account and get mad at me for a list of guys in my friends list or for being in a party. I do whatever I want because I'm free of Leo and I can do whatever I want. They're mere obstacles in the way of a much bigger payoff. And they think they're so much more.
I could've gotten myself a phone by now if I realyl wanted. I've been offered phones by Benaiah, Noe, and Madi. I turned down clear opportunities to please their weak hold on their 'parental power.' I think I just got tired of sneaking around.
I was crying on the bathroom floor yesterday, per usual, and I couldn't even force myself to cry over Leo. I really tried, because it feels like I should, but whenever I think about all his bullshit I just can't. It's not even numb, it's just over. Over the course of that whole thing, I had just accepted that my sole purpose was to please him, no matter what it took. My sleep schedule, my eating schedule, school schedule, family time, everything, all revolved around him and what he wanted when he wanted it. Now that the 'sun' is gone, I don't really know what I'm doing. I guess I do, I know I'm going to school and work and doing what I have to, but I don't know what I'm doing it for. I don't have a goal. Leo's contentment was the goal, but now I just don't know. I don't have a dream college, I'm not really sure I want to be a surgeon, I can't imagine myself in a white picket fenced house, so I don't really know what the fuck I'm doing.
I don't know why I cry, I just have to. I'm not even close to my period. I mean, I do know, I just feel too pathetic admitting that I still scream into a towel over how Rachel left me. WHy does she hate me? She protects everyone else. I feel weak for letting a thought such as "I want my mom" slip by because she would make me feel like an idiot for crying over something so long ago. She would make excuses and make me feel guilty that she's sad. In the end, I would be the one comforting her and telling her she's a great mom, when she abandoned me.
I just want to feel safe somewhere. There is no place off limits in my house. Nick and Rachel will fight and slam doors anywhere, everywhere. I've had my back to my bedroom door once and Rachel came in and hit me out of the blue with a spatula, without a word. I can't even be in the shower without someone slamming on the door, or unlocking and opening the door to get a towel or to take away a speaker I listen to music through. There is no safe space. Sometimes, I've gone out in the backyard just to lay out there, and they follow me out there too. I'm not safe anywhere. Not even safe in my stupid fucking head.
Sometimes, I feel far too grandiose for my own good. Everyone around me are mere mortals who shouldn't even have the privilege to talk to me, and if I jumped off a building or got shot I'm pretty sure I would be fine. That's how I felt earlier today when I started writing this entry. Now, I'm exhausted. Like even just breathing feels like a lot of work. I'm bored and I want to do something to stimulate my mind, but I'm too tired to do anything and too tired to fall asleep. Most times, I zone out and when I return to actual reality, I don't know what happened or how long I've been still. I don't know if anything around me moved or if I talked or if someone talked to me. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm wasting my time.