That's Enough For Now
I have made a concerted effort these last six months to really explore my unconscious self more directly. I have gone about it several ways, but I am certain that all of the ways have shown me sides to my shadow self I was somewhat reluctant to explore more deeply. I say reluctant because I do want to face these challenges in my own psyche and soul, but I guess I just wasn't sure how to go about it exactly.
First, I saw something in my spiritual reading and studies that clarified a bit more why this process is so necessary. It was a basic chart about consciousness that went something like this: there are people who are unconscious they are unconscious, there are people who are conscious they are unconscious, there are people who are conscious of being conscious, and there are people who are conscious of being aware. I wondered to myself where I was on the scale. I think I may be at the third level now, or approaching conscious of being conscious. Before, with you Xx, I was probably more on the conscious of being unconscious level and just not really sure what to do about it. I have done a lot of work since then. I have written and studied so much, because what else can I do with all this free time outside of work? Anyhow, I am making progress and that is the point. I am slowly learning more about myself and my codependent behaviors, slightly controlling tendencies, and lack of self-esteem that I thought I had but was actually hidden underneath layers of martyrdom and victimization. This is why I have issues with boundaries and people-pleasing tendencies, even with you.
I have also been studying a lot of Jungian principles, and I am very intrigued by the archetypes and how they get represented in aspects of living. I have done some inventories and some intuitive journaling, and this is what I sort of pinned down for my common archetypes. I am using Caroline Myss's translation, but here they are: The Scholar, The Seeker, The Wounded Child, The Victim, The Student, The Mentor, The Saboteur, The Lover, The Prostitute, The Judge, The Storyteller, and The Rescuer. The trick is to figure out where these archetypes challenge a person but also provide a level of strength under certain circumstances. With more detailed analysis, I learned that I use "The Rescuer" unconsciously A LOT! Another one is "The Judge" and "The Saboteur" which play out in my creative endeavors. I have to laugh at this because it is so true. I always find ways to not use my creativity and to say I don't have it, blah blah blah. It is all very interesting stuff. Jung was quite the scholar. I am only just touching the surface of his teachings, but I am learning so much in the process. I was always drawn to his philosophy, but I just never studied him up close until recently. I suppose there is some significance in that now, at this point in my life. My intuition is leading me down this path for a reason, so I might as well follow it.
I am learning more about you too in this regard. There was a whole section on toxic pride and fear of change, which is definitely your challenge on this earthly plane I believe. One of the authors who studies Jung called this behavior "knowing better but acting otherwise." I always felt that way about you. You knew better, but you acted otherwise. And I could never quite put my finger on why that was the case with you, other than, of course your upbringing and biology driving that that whole aspect. The problem with that for me was that I tried to project problem-solving that situation onto you, and it's not my energy to work out. My energy is that I have to let go of control and outcomes. I can't rescue you from you. Only you can do that. I gotta figure out how to rescue myself from myself, so these archetypes really helped me put some things into perspective.
Caroline Myss makes an interesting point: "Our biography becomes our biology." I don't want that to be the case for me. Howard Thurman says we first need to figure out where we are going before we can figure out who is going to go with us, and not the other way around. That I agree with. I figured out that I like to play the role of The Victim. It is the one I am most comfortable with, because I had someone who modeled it so well. I need to stop playing that role, or at the very least stop giving it so much attention and try to find the strengths it can provide for me rather than the weaknesses. I think you might benefit from that as well, Xx. I am waiting for you to join me in the present, where we both should be, so we can help each other with these challenges in more productive, useful ways. I want that a lot. Even if it is just in diary entries or texts and never beyond those borders.
We grow when we find people who challenge us the right way. Like you used to say, watch more than one channel. If you only hang out with those who watch the same channel, you can't see beyond your nose. You made me watch different channels, and I miss that interaction. I want to feel that growth with you because it is the energy my soul needs right now. I suppose you may have already done your job by just contributing what you already contributed, but I think you intuit the same energies around us that I do. We aren't out of alignment. We are just operating from different energy fields, and that is why it can be more challenging than we expect. Have I helped you grow, Xx? Honestly? Have I fulfilled my contract to you? I feel like I have, but I also feel like there's more races for us yet to run together. We are unfinished still... and that is why I wait. It's all good. Now that I know how best to utilize my time, I think I have the horsepower to go for awhile because I am figuring out that loving myself is enough to power anything else that comes along in my future, even on my saddest, darkest days. I know you are "there," even if you aren't "here." That's enough for now.