༺ ♡.PINKY.♡ ༻

Ramblings & RL Stories
Ad 2:
2021-02-22 04:10:39 (UTC)

It’s early

Woke up every 20 minutes since 2 am
Said f*ck it and got up
I hate this feeling that’s dreadfully lingering.
I went outside, wrote a note in the snow for him.
It’s what I do so he knows.
Hopefully it sets in as a spoil.
I try so hard to show how I feel in so many ways.
Make nice lunches, my hands in his hair, rub the back of his neck, my fingers on his face which he absolutely hates, but that’s one thing I love doing the most.
Always calling him sexy because to me, he is.
I miss his smile. He doesn’t have that genuine smile. I wish I had the ability to know how to bring it out of him.

I’ve been feeling off the past two days.
Something is bugging me because I’m fighting tears this morning.

I’m feeling scared. Have been.
Like somethings going to happen.
My body feels off.
I can’t place it.
I can’t fix it.

F*cking you came off harsh. But I pushed it aside.
I never enjoyed that time, and I lied and said I did.
I’m missing something to get me there.
I’m missing the nurturing.

Guess I’m high maintenance on the emotional level.
I’m an emotional person. It sucks.
I have that inability to crawl up and demand to be held.
I have too much fear from past things that keep me from initiating.
On the sofa watching a movie, my son leans over and hugs me, something I wanted him to do, it would have helped.
I feel like my inability to be the initiation pushes him away.
I’m not sure how to change it.

I’ve been feeling that feeling of insecurity, like I’m being watched, followed, and I’m not sure why.
That feeling is tripled at my place.
I hate going home.

*deep sigh*

There’s been a few lies I’ve caught.....
But have said nothing of.
Maybe I’ve worded it wrong.

I miss the communication.
I seriously do.
I miss the discussions.

All I want to do is cry.
I can’t pinpoint why tho.

I’m going to finish the cup of coffee and crawl back into bed.
See what happens.
I want to be held tight.
To feel secure.
To feel truly wanted.
To feel truly loved.


Going to crawl back into bed.