Nihilist Cowboy

A Sick Man, A Spiteful Man, An Unattractive Man
2021-02-21 21:55:28 (UTC)

An Unsent Letter 1: G

Dearest G,

It was no over three years ago that I was introduced to you by Z. It hardly seems like it’s been that long doesn’t it? I believe it was right before your birthday when we were introduced. Z sent me the picture of yall two and at that moment, I thought you were one of the most beautiful people that I have ever laid my eyes on. Even after all the events that have transpired over the past few years, I can still say that statement still holds very true to me.

After a few months of talking daily, I told you my feelings towards you, and you told me that you did not feel the same way about me that I did about you and I promised to keep my romantic feelings to myself and that was a promise that was kept. Over the next three years, I was that person that you came to when you had problems. You told me about falling in love with your therapist/counselor or whatever the hell was, St, and I was there while you were crying due to St terminating services and blocking you. You even trusted me to the point where you gave your sister S my contact info and she started messaging me daily too.

Things changed at some point, and both you and I know it, but I cannot put my finger on what exactly happened. I noticed you were messaging me less and less, and you always said “you were fine” and wouldn’t go into further details. Eventually, I started to hear from you less than once a week. I did not know what was going on until I talked to Z.

Z spilled the beans I suppose, she told me about your heavy drinking and marijuana usage. She said you were failing your classes, not showing up for days at a time and showing up drunk other days. It would be hypocritical for me to be angry since I did my fair share of getting drunk before class, as I have told you before, I was getting reprimanded when I attended NSU and could have potentially have gotten my scholarship revoked for showing up to band practice after killing a bottle down at the frat house.

Then Z told me about the other stuff, something about falling for some guy you met when playing “Among Us,” and having a breakdown after he bailed on you after you sent him a picture of your tits. I honestly got upset about that, I’m not going to lie. After all, in three years I maybe got 5 pictures of you not including the ones of both you and Z because and I quote: “I am too anxious and self conscious about my appearance to ever take any pictures.” So I wasn’t exactly thrilled when I heard that, but after sitting down and thinking for a minute, I figured that it would be make me a shitty friend. After Z told me about the hard time you have gone through I felt really bad, and I wish I could have been there to help you while you are going through your depression.

Maybe what I said next was what made things messed up. I told both you and S that I “consider yall like family and to come talk to me when you are feeling like you are going through a hard time.” I never heard back from you really and I sent S three messages in the next week in which I was just left on read. So I get it, I am not exactly wanted in your life anymore, and while it straight up fucking hurts, I will respect your decision and exit stage right. Although I really wish that either you or S could have told me what I have done wrong.

At this point, I feel lost, I was planning on going to visit you and Z last year after I graduated, but then coronavirus happened, I have been trying to learn your language for two years and part of me really just really think “what’s the point now?” I feel like a part of me has just vanished and not sure where to go. I thought both of yall were going to be in my life forever, and I seriously viewed S as the sister that I never had. I guess I saw things different than you do, and maybe I just interpreted everything differently. The “left on read” snaps kind of gave me that impression.

So, where do we go from here? With me I am going to accept this loss and begin to figure out where to go next. I don’t want you to worry about me. However, I am very worried about you. I hope you can stay safe. Whatever is causing you misery, causing your desire to mask whatever emotions with drugs and alcohol needs to go. I want you to be happy.

If you ever change your mind I will be right here, I will always want the best for you. I would never wish you any harm whatsoever regardless of my hurt feelings, and I will always love you until the very end. I hope that is something that you never forget. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of yours and S’s life for the past three years. Z is still one of my all time best friends and regardless of the non ideal conclusion, I am grateful that she introduced us.

Maybe you can rely on Z instead of me so you can someone there for you. I am sure she can relate to you much more than I ever could. I feel for your pain even though I don’t quite understand what you go through. By the time I was your age, I already spend 4 years with driving a car and in the workforce. At the exact point that you are, I was engaged and preparing to move back to Louisiana. My drinking was also out of control at the same point, so maybe the circumstances are different, but misery is misery. I will sound like a millennial boomer now, but I don’t know what “Among Us” is other than I have had coworkers tell me that their children play it. But hey, no judging here.

Now I am starting to get long-winded, so I am going to go ahead and wrap this up. You were always be somebody I care about and S will always be the sibling that I never had. I wish you the absolute very best, I want nothing other than you to be happy. I will seriously love you forever G.

Things will get better.

Zachary




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