༺ ♡.PINKY.♡ ༻

Ramblings & RL Stories
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2021-02-21 12:10:24 (UTC)

Had a Trigger

Was cooking breakfast,
Made eggs over easy, sweet rolls, biscuits, bacon, he made toast......
He was buttering his toast, I slide a fresh hot biscuit and sweet roll on the napkin and was jamin to some LA Guns “crystal eyes” (very old school one album hit) one of my favorite old school bands, and next thing I know, he’s agitated and the biscuit is thrown in the sink.....
My instant switch popped a breaker.....
“F*ck, what did I do wrong. Instant images of bad language, yelling at me, and a hand to the face.......” sworn through my mind and I instantly shut my music off, and bailed outside in the cold in my swim shorts and tank top. Mind you, it’s 11 degrees out at that time, but I had so much fear running through me I didn’t feel the cold at all. I started shaking. Took a Valium. Terrified of him instantly. Head going into flight/protect mode.
(This song hits my soul right now.....Jekyll and Hyde by five finger death punch)

Took a bit, but finally discussed it and was nervous but sat by him. He asked if I was going to be here when he gets back from taking his side by side out......
I know, if he drinks when he’s out, and comes back and I notice, I’m going to be packed and ready to bail home, even in the snow storm.
He made a promise to me that he wouldn’t drink while he’s out today. Really hope he doesn’t lie to me. And a promise broken isn’t good either.
Just the idea brings up flash backs of two years ago, going to the hospital and getting stitches internally.....

(Gloomy Sunday by Leander Rising) playing.....

Anyho....
Mind is going blank.

I feel like an idiot.
I feel like I’m never going to be enough.

He requested I don’t go outside like I did earlier. Said someone might complain. I wondered instantly, he’s ashamed of what I look like.....
So my goal is to work my ass off to lose some weight and tone up. I need to look like all the hot 20/30 year olds....will work my ass off to look good enough to be proud to say I’m his.

(12 Stones “Broken”) playing.

On a different note.....
Is it wrong to tell a little white lie?


Ok, the bitch upstairs is really pissing me off.
I’m sitting at the table, eating, and my iPhone is only on half volume, and I keep hearing beating/knocking......I hear is over my iPhone next to me, so that tells you my music isn’t too loud. She’s been slamming doors, beating/tapping for 20 minutes or so.....stomping feet....etc......
I’m so ready to jack my little iPhone on full sound.....

(Seether “Careless Whisper”) playing.....

My son snuck up behind me and hugged me and I jumped outa my seat and skin......scared the ever living f*ck outa me.


He just called, side by side broke down....linkage.....so waiting on a ride back.

(Ledisi “So into you”) playing from my play list....

So,I’m going to post, grab a smoke, and roll from here.

Till later....

💋Pinky


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