༺ ♡.PINKY.♡ ༻

Ramblings & RL Stories
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2021-02-21 09:02:16 (UTC)

A Day of Feeling

I’m feeling off today.
I feel like I’m not exactly in my body.
Slightly empty feeling.
My body has been going through a ton of pain all night.
I fight showing it.
My eyes, still feel dry, swollen, like they are going to swell shut.
I do believe, there is something going on with me.
I woke up numerous times feeling different
I do know the forecast is not helping

“When I reach over and don’t feel you, I panic thinking you left” I’m told.
I treasure that. Even if it’s just because of not wanting to be alone, I treasure it.
It makes me feel wanted, trusted, needed........
I slept oddly last night, slumped to the foot of the bed under the covers, and felt a hand reaching to find me twice in the night.

I’m drinking my coffee and my heads shaking
I’m still waking with panic attacks
I’m concerned that, this is a bad sign.....specially since I’m feeling overwhelmed and pushing myself to do things out of my normal. But am I pushing too much that it’s causing a change?

When we went to Summit last night, at the bar, waiting on a table for dinner, that anxiety was extreme. I want to drink so f*cking much. It’s like a drug habit......yes, I was a coke user in my younger years, and have to admit, the past three days, I’ve had dreams of using again, but I don’t abuse it this time around. I use very small amounts of coke throughout the day, I’m dancing at the bars with my man, I’m smiling, I’m laughing, I’m with the perfect 20 year old Barbie figure, and he’s the happiest man on the planet.
I want that. I want him happy. I want him to forget , be pain free, and he needs nothing because I fulfill him in every aspects.
Such is a dream.
That dream has been the same the past day or two.
But then, I have the opposite dream, he pushed me away, he cheated, he lied, he was hurtful even in front of others, and I left while he was gone, he came back from him “trip” that didn’t work out, he went looking for me because he wanted and needed me.....

I have no idea why dreams happen. I know my dream is showing fear, prepare, or expecting.

We sat here last night playing skipbo and my son, was like a Christmas tree. I have not seen him light up like he did last night in over 5 years. He had this smile and spirit, so pure, so fun, just like an untainted little child on Christmas Day. I smiled so much. He kinda got freaked out and kept asking “what” in between his smile, and I said “you’re such a beautiful kid, I love you. It’s good to see you laughing and smiling”..he of course, didn’t understand, but that’s ok.

I missed out on my Snapchat quest 😳 oh well.

I have to admit, some aspects of the current are getting better. The communication and the openness in the quiet place have gotten much better. I was actually completely satisfied that the urges for over 12 hours were non existent. In other words, satisfaction. The reason I have to surcome to those needs is because, doing it solo, just isn’t the same and not as satisfying. So, ultimately, the rumor of size is just as such, a rumor. Maybe for some it’s a need, but for me, if all the pieces of the puzzle are connected, that final piece will fit perfectly, and “completes” the picture.
It’s a bit scary to experience that. My legs were not wanting to be strong for a few hours. The reason this is scary, because for me, that puzzle is complete. For someone else, it’s different. They may decide to shift a piece, and then, to me, my puzzle crumbles. I don’t think I can handle it.
I want to “believe” that words said are true. But, there’s that trust issue....that replay of history.

Can I just admit right now, I’m excited but more nervous and cautious?

He didn’t drink last night. Which helps me some.
Looking and observing last night with the card game, seeing my son light up, his smile and laughter so pure, just melted my heart. He needs that more. I had to bail early, due to swollen feet, and pain with spasms.
I had a clear blister form on my right foot last night with the swelling of both feet. My feet burned on the inside. They were red, puffy, and I was feeling drained. My sugar count was 118 so not bad, so not sure what’s going on. I ate a salad, no dressing, and an ounce of steak. So I do watch what I eat and drink. I had water all night.

My heart sinks, knowing I gotta go home, only because, my bank account is overdrawn by 32$ because I stopped to buy food and put 15$ of gas in. I had to prop the porch ceiling up with 2x4s in three places on the porch because it’s going to cave in due to all the pressure of the snow and ice. It happened in a different spot 2 years ago. I don’t have the physical ability to fix it. I’m terrified to have to drop to a low and message an ex in town to come help. I dread that. My landlord won’t do anything, which is why I’ve been doing all the work there and she just pays me back. They have too many farms to run and don’t have time, and they want the place burnt to the ground anyway, but, I needed a place to live so spent months after work rebuilding it to live in it. K would come help with things I needed help with, but I sure the f*ck am not contacting him. I still have an OOP on him. He hates me so much and still angry at me. I don’t care. His anger scares me tho. He did what he did not in anger, I can’t imagine what he’d do to me in anger. The one I’d have to drop down to would be Limp. But I’m not sure he can physically do the work either. He, scares me too, but for a different reason.
Anyway, not sure what I’m going to do.

I do have to burn the last 1/2 tank of gas getting home tomorrow because of all the snow coming tonight.
I’ve got to call my propane company, because I need a fill yet again. Not sure the price per gallon at the moment, am guessing high because of 44 days below zero temperatures makes the demand for propane higher.

I have more to say, but am hurting, so going to break here.

💋Pinky


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