idk when was the last time i've ever felt this good but yeah
I did my routine correctly this time, and this feels like eating the forbidden fruit, and i'm fucking enlightened. I spent all my days trying to function on society but now I just gave up, *insert joker smile*. I don't really care about not having anyone but I need to learn to do it, keyword: NEED. I can't just do my stuffs and be done there needs to be some social interactivity which is fucking hard when u have to put on an act like kind of tiptoeing on what's over the boundary and what's not which is my greatest weakness, isn't that signs of being autistic? I say whatever comes to my head and most of the times it's more fucked up than funny. I have a talent at pissing humans and that's the only way I can talk to them lmaoooooo. There's nothing really bothering me right now I'm just kinda enjoying and vibing wasting my remaining life listening to the same songs all over and over again tryng to awaken my old self. This is the consciousness talk where you just say whatever comes up in your head and at the same time you're recording it from in real life present time, which is good ig, I've always wanna say the best thing whenever I talk to people which is extremely draining like I wanna be an host, million-dollar words thrown out every single words coming out to my mouth and at the same time I always wanna be understood which is that's some boss-level obstacle, I spent most of my time talking to myself and my imaginary friends so it's misalligned with the reality, it's just not there. And also every human is a drug, they all give you some kinda different perception with life so it's kind of a waste trying to pretend like you understand them, it's okay to ask why and not act like you know everything. I'm also addicted to saying kinda, nothing deep it just sounds cute, what kinda person are u? what kinda things you do? kind of but shorter, same syllables but still shorter. idk I like how I pronounce it. speaking of pronounciation that cutesy cringe character I have made out of insecurity I just kinda accepted it. what's kinda in tagalong? lang? klase? medyo? idkkkk I talk to alot of foreigners that filipino accent sounds foreign to me even when i'm still in the philippines. anyways the cutesy cringe character, i'll give her a name. ellie. she's part of the family now.I thought I had DID, yeah self-diagnosing myself, sometimes when something is cool I try to pretend I have it. I know this is like romanticizing mental illness but you have alot of people inside your head and they know what you feel, you don't need to say it, how is that not cool?? but the thing with DID is they don't know that another people in their head exist like they are not supposed to meet each otherbut mine I talk to them everytime, I can even summon them whenever I want to. so they just imaginary. it's not imaginary if it feels real, right??? I saw my younger sister's diary, she's 12 and note we live in a christian household pero naririnig ko yung kalutungan ng mura niya don sa diary nya lmaoo. ah yeah she's on that phase, I never did that when I was in 7th grade tho, I was worst, I was watching hentai lol, that was the tiI me I had discovered Euphoria which became a thing somewhere in 2020, yeah flexing I saw that first. I guess I was feeling good cuz I was fucking myself, it's a good excercise, feeling healthy, but u see I wasn't watching hentai cuz I'm a degenerate,well it's not the first reason, but the first reason is I don't wanna get groomed ok, so i'm tryna build some immunity and it worked, I was asexual for years, I had no interest in actual humans, blueballing guys left and right, the last one is a lie then I met my ex and we phone fuck everyday lmaoooo, we were both virgins ok and hes a boy and im a girl so y'know how that will go. I mean yeah it was fun but it's not a way of living, it's a way of getting braindead. I started speaking in broken english being with him lmaoooo. I never regret being with him I feel like that's the kinda vibe I was writing. nah. he's still my favorite ex, but not because you match on one thing doesn't mean he's the one. We matched on degeneracy, like he's the most craziest guy i've ever met, we'll both go to jail if we ever met in real life. but yeah nah still no connection. i'm looking for something but idk what that is. It always feel like something is missing about me, and i'm subconsciously, passively doing things, hoping it would just magnetically come to me, by the law of attraction. I should stop that, it's boredom and I need some dopamines, that's what's up. anyways i'm talking to this guy and he always wants me to watch him sleep, is there a thing such as sleeping fetish? loljk i'm kidding. OKKK if u ever come up this far I have a question for humans reaading this: will you marry someone or fall inlove with someone because they are good at sex? or do you believe that humans mistakes love for lust alot?