Where Pelicans Fly
September 2022 (1)
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 1, 2022
Uggghhh, I hate that it's September. It's a month I've always hated, knowing school was starting (as a kid), cooler weather was coming, and now I have one more reason not to like it. That's knowing the snowbirds return next month.
So I've been sitting here watching my metabolism ramp up and it's getting as scary as it is exciting. I know it may sound funny, but I'm not used to this. Although I try not to, all I can do is remember the misery I went through the last time my TSH was in the single digits. The low single digits, that is. I still worry the anxiety is going to strike anytime. Especially with a body that isn't used to having normal numbers. It's got to have been over a decade now! But yeah, it's definitely moving faster and I'm burning calories faster, though I don’t know that my numbers are normal yet. Close, though, I would think. I'm only down a few pounds, but it's something. Plus, I've noticed I can eat a full meal and only jump half a pound which doesn’t hang on for long. Before, I could eat an 80-calorie yogurt, gain one to two pounds, and the weight would hang on for hours.
Sometimes my HR spikes into the triple digits, but I don't know if it's connected to the medication/metabolism or not.
Besides sharing more old posts on LJ (I decided that if it doesn't have a last name, it's OK to share), I'll probably start my monthly letter to Kim tonight.
I tried dyeing my hair yesterday with leftover hair dye that I saved, but it didn't take. So that was a complete waste of time.
Tom said he saw a snake by the front steps when he went out earlier. It ran really fast when it saw him, so more than likely it's not toxic.
I need a VR break now. Should I meditate, play golf, tennis, bowling, go clubbing, or hit the road? I’m currently working out in Chicago. It’s a surprisingly nice-looking city. If I didn’t mind cold and noise, I bet it would be cool to live in a high-rise overlooking Lake Michigan.
While I’m deciding where to go in VR – why do I miss Nane but not Maliheh? I mean, I’m glad I don’t miss Maliheh, but why do I miss Nane?
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 2, 2022
I looked up 3 people I used to know on the old Kiwibox (I miss that site) since it's been 14 years. They're still in the same states. I guess most people still don't change states much. Either way, they're in their mid-to-late thirties now.
Emma and Amber are still in Illinois but on opposite sides of the state.
Jasmine is still in Maryland, is dating a woman, and not surprisingly, has a job that involves kids. I hope she gets to have the kids she talked about wanting.
Amber is still working with animals and I'm not sure what Emma is doing. Some kind of bio research. An email address came up connected to Emma’s work so just for kicks, I said hello. I laugh when I remember the silly little arguments we used to have, even though they did have a point as to the reliability of pregnancy prevention by using the pull-out method. Sort of anyway. I mean, it's easy to think something is more effective than it is when you’re DES-exposed like I was. I think it's better than nothing but not a hundred percent foolproof.
Emma’s reaction was a reminder that people don't get over the past. It wasn't what she said, it's what she did. When I looked in on her on Facebook from Mia’s account, I saw that most of her pictures were gone. I'm not sure what purpose this is supposed to serve her since I know I'm harmless and it was just a quick and friendly message. However, I realize that most people don't have the kind of memory for names and other things that I have and they don't realize you can simply run people's names for free and get all kinds of info so she may see it as "stalking" which I certainly have no intention of doing, of course. I really don't remember that much about her. Just said she had vivid blue eyes, started off skinny and then gain weight (I know what that's like), and she said she loved being cold. She lived in Naperville and I guess now Chicago.
But yeah, I miss the site in general despite the drama. I loved how artistic we could be when it came to colors for our entries, and of course, that's where Aly and I met. She was only 27 and I was 42. I will never get over her death. Never.
My heart did its funny dance while I was in Chicago. I thought getting more thyroid was supposed to reduce this shit. I don't have it every day but close enough. Maybe it really is normal for some older people. As long as I've had it, it can't be serious. It's a weird feeling. You kind of get used to it at the same time it's still unnerving. Almost like your heart wants to squeeze up through your throat. I'm not sure if it's air embolisms or just some weird flutter. It did it for two beats and then about half a minute later for one beat.
I woke up tired and I've been tired all day. This is what happens when I'm up for so long the day before. I was going to work on Kim's monthly letter and then I decided to wait till it's closer to her birthday. I forgot if she's going to be 43 or 44.
I texted my docs for a refill on my medication. Thank God it's not a medication that can induce a miscarriage otherwise I would have to fight for treatment despite being well past my childbearing years and infertile.
I'm not sure what to think of these plants. I think their biggest problem is the lack of humidity indoors. I swear, though, if these plants don't make it, I'm sticking to bamboo only because you can't over or under water them and they don't seem to mind the lack of humidity. I mist them every day but it evaporates pretty quickly.
I had a dream I paid $25 to enter a karaoke contest. When I suddenly thought of how I hadn't sung in a while and didn't remember the lyrics to the song I was going to sing in Spanish, I wanted to withdraw from the contest and hoped I could get a refund.
If I'd known where we were going to end up, I might have brought the enabler's urn here. And since Tom can throw further than me I'd have him throw him in back and he could stay there until they built something there and discovered him and were like, ooh, I wonder what this could be or better yet who it could be. That is assuming the movers didn't break him too. I just think they're going to build there long before they tear down the Cali house. You never know, though. The lady there may bury one of her cats where he is.
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 3, 2022
Tom hung my suncatchers for me and they look great.
Many people are concerned that the Supreme Court may rule in favor of a state's right to refuse to provide Medicare or Medicaid to its residents while still receiving federal funding for it.
And criminalizing abortion is exactly why I fear this kind of shit happening as well, and God knows what to SS. Crazy begets crazy till Americans are willing to fight back the right way, and like it or not, it ain’t with words and signs. I just hope if Florida bans it there’ll be another state we can move to…until a federal ban goes into effect. Once abortion, gay marriage, and other things reach a federal level, then we’re really screwed. Sometimes I wonder if they’re gonna push to keep everyone working till they die and ban everything else that doesn’t align with their twisted ways of thinking.
Instead of being able to simply ask for and get a refill on 88s, I'm asked if I also need 75s and I have to remind them that I'm on 88s daily now. On top of that, I have a hypothyroid follow-up form to fill out asking if I have any symptoms. I told them I still have fatigue at times and palpitations/racing heart. Really hope they don't bring up the monitor thing again because the only one I could sleep with is not covered by our insurance.
Got some Glade oil plug-in warmers to keep the rooms smelling fresh when I'm not burning incense. Fall Night Long for the living room, Berry Splash for the bedroom, and my favorite for the kitchen which is Vanilla Caramel.
Although I have gotten a little more used to it, the planes still annoy me at times because they are so constant. I really miss the days when you heard just an occasional playing fly overhead and that was it. Sometimes they're every few minutes, especially in the early mornings. As I said, these days it isn't a matter of being able to escape a flight path altogether but getting in a path that's high up enough that you can't hear them inside your house. But that would be very hard to do these days unless you live in the middle of nowhere. You need to be where they're no lower than about 25,000 ft. They're always going to be a part of my everyday life, though, so I guess I better just be glad they're not as loud as boom car stereos or anything like sonic booms.
So there are three sections in this park. There is the South section which has new houses and the West Section which has the newest houses. Then there's the Legacy section which we're in. When checking up on the latest neighborhood gossip, there was mention of someone’s shed being broken into but I don’t know where other than that it was in this section. The Legacy section is big compared to the South, no one’s living in the West yet, so I think it was likely close to the entrance where the person could escape easily enough.
Also, Jim shared a picture of a woman walking between his place and the house next to him and wrote that he understands that we lease our lots but would like for people not to walk on his lot and that if anyone sees the person to mention it to them.
Why is it I have a feeling that if I was the one to post this I would get lynched? It's not my land, after all, I don't own it, so I don't have the right to demand people not walk on it, they’d say.
I'm doing better with my resolve to stop reaching out to those who have shown a blatant lack of interest in being a part of my life. I haven't contacted Christiane, for ex, and I know I’ll never hear from her again. She’s just one of many examples. I miss Nane at times but everyone else I used to know whether they were friends or relatives is in my past to stay. I would never allow them back into my life no matter what they tried to tell me. In fact, I'm thinking of deactivating Mia’s account because I just don't care anymore. Yes, there are a few things I could say to the termites but nothing that would sink in. So staying away from toxic people isn't just a matter of knowing that some people never change but also about respecting and protecting myself. It's about knowing I deserve better.
Along with avoiding toxic people I am determined to take my I-don't-care-what-others-think attitude a step further and continue sharing what doesn't have sensitive info on LJ. Yes, other people besides Aly may know that you can pay to find out what accounts people have as long as they signed up with email addresses under their real names who may be as curious as she was to run my name, but I don't care anymore if they do. But yes, Jim may run my name and link through to LJ and read about himself but you know what? I just don't care anymore. I don't mention his last name or his address and what is he going to do about it anyway? Come and spank me because he paid money to check me out and didn't like what he found?
I still worry at least a little bit about those that know my full name. Not because I've done or plan to do anything illegal, but because of potential revenge swatting. It's vindictive people like the termites that I have to watch out for. Meanwhile, not everyone that may get pissed at me and that may know my full name would want revenge for whatever it is they think I did, or bully me. Still, some things should remain private.
As far as I can tell, my entries don't get much traffic anyway. Only 12 people have viewed the last entry I made public on LJ and I'm probably counted a few times. What are the odds of the other 9 or 10 others being people I actually live with or know personally?
I still worry about end-of-life stuff more than I should. I try to tell myself that whatever is going to happen is going to happen and there's nothing anyone can do about it. The problem with that is that while I not only fear what dying may be like and what may lie ahead in a possible afterlife, I also fear us not having the help we need in the end. So many different things could go wrong. He says I could always Uber to see him if he were ever in the hospital but I would still feel helpless not being able to drive him if he needed to be driven anywhere. And also not being able to drive myself wherever. It's not my fault I have a phobia I never could get over but still.
I don't want to be left alone to kill myself and die all alone if he went first but I don't want to leave him alone either if I went first.
It’s really sweet of Jessie to suggest we live like The Golden Girls if we both lost our husbands but that's much easier said than done. Even if I wasn't depressed over missing him it's just not feasible. I can't ask her not to have visitors while I slept and I doubt she could help me with tech issues I couldn't figure out for myself but that Tom could always figure out. We couldn't soundproof the windows or the bedroom so I’d have a better chance of sleeping through motorcycles and storms and there are just many little things that would make it hard for me and therefore hard for her. I know I would be so miserable that I would be much better off dead. I try to tell myself to stop stressing over it in the meantime.
“You're either going to die first or he's going to die and then you're going to kill yourself. It's going to be one or the other and you can't know when it’s going to happen,” I tell myself. Maybe we'll find out he has terminal cancer and kill ourselves together. So there are technically three different ways this could end. But we're both alive and mostly healthy today and I need to remind myself of this. I need to just live and enjoy what's left of my life which I still think is a good 20 years or so. That's a long time. Even a decade is quite long.
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 4, 2022
Despite an accumulation of 10 hours and 19 minutes of sleep after being woken up multiple times due to thunder, I am exhausted. I don’t understand why after I finally get back to sleep I don’t wake up refreshed. I feel worse than just tired. I feel almost dizzy and groggy and just totally out of sorts. Like I can’t think straight and I’m totally brain-fogged. Maybe I slept too long or maybe I’m dehydrated after going about 12 hours without water.
One thing I know for sure is that the dog house needs to come down. It just doesn’t do me any good against really loud sounds and we can’t seal it up because we can’t put the fan in it and it would get too hot. Besides, no matter how much we seal it up it still wouldn’t do me any good when it came to the loud mower and loud thunder. So why have such a big old ugly pain in the ass when the inserts are enough for things like the soft mower and the motorcycle? If we’re not going to spend the money to hire someone to soundproof one of the bedrooms from top to bottom, maybe we can at least replace the inserts with soundproof windows. He and I should make a plan because while we may not be here forever we’re going to be here for years.
Looking at the forecast makes me want to scream because it doesn’t look like I’m going to be able to sleep well for a while. This suggests that moving to the Atlantic side where there are twice as many storms might be a bad idea for one who can’t keep her ass on days. :(
The final wake-up call was after a horrible nightmare. I was trapped in a building with other people and was hoping it was a sick joke when someone said that some huge crazy group of people was coming to kill everyone in the building. I don’t know if they were some kind of extremists or what but I took a chance and left the room we were hiding in and went down to some other floor to look for something. But then I saw them. They started off looking like normal people and then I saw a room full of what looked like large cement statues that all looked the same but I knew they were very much alive. They were chanting, “There will be blood.”
I dashed back upstairs where some guy said we needed a certain thing, although I’m not sure what, and I said, “No, we need a miracle.”
It was then that the realization set in that this was the last day of my life and I wouldn’t get to do the things I planned and wanted to do.
I’m so pissed (along with tons of other people) cuz they still haven’t fixed speech-to-text in Win11. Obviously, they have no intention of doing so if they haven’t already. This really sucks. It was quite useful having it anywhere you could write.
No Hooter this month either and it will be interesting to see what kind of response I get to the post I made in the park group asking if others have experienced this. I think they’re stopping deliveries and expecting people to get copies online.
Someone (I don’t remember who) posted that they wish there were speed bumps here like other parks have because of the way delivery and service vehicles speed through. I was the first to comment explaining why I hated those things and that it doesn’t slow these people down because it’s not their vehicles so they don’t care. Plus they’re often pressed for time. On top of that, it just adds noise and makes bike riding a pain.
The next day I checked for follow-up comments and the post was gone. I can’t help but wonder why. Was it someone who had something against me personally or did they simply decide they should delete the post for other reasons?
It’s a good thing I asked Galileo for a refill while I still had a dozen pills because I got a message from Walgreens saying there was a problem with my insurance. Pretty sure it’s a similar problem to what Tom had. I’ll have to call them. Hopefully, I’ll get my meds before the 10 pills I have left run out! Now that I’m doing so well and am due to go to the lab in a couple of weeks, I don’t want to miss any doses!
Looks like my rosemary plant may be dying. A couple of the sprigs were curled over and even though the dark ends of the needles signal too much water, I gave it a huge drink anyway and the sprigs are now standing upright again.
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 6, 2022
Several others also said they didn't get their Hooters, so it isn't just me. Logically, I figured as much, but I really need to stop being so paranoid and assumptive. Not everything is personal. I should know that. And so what if it was? Again, we came here to live, not to score points with people.
Toni said she didn't get hers either and that she lives next to me. Then, for whatever reason, she deleted the part about living next to me.
A day before I hit the six-week marker with the meds, the anxiety returns. I am so disappointed, but not the least bit surprised. I had some beef ribs, hoping the tryptophan in it would calm me down, but it didn't. Even golfing, VZ, and meditating didn't help. Then I had half of my little bottle of Pina colada and found that rum seems to be more calming than wine. Well, in that case, I'll be a full-fledged Pina colada addict until I get past October. Then this medication is going to be full-fledged in my system. I'm really worried about how I may feel a couple of weeks from now. Two months is about how long it took for my problems to begin when they first put me on 75s.
I have a little hope that it's an isolated incident that will back off on its own soon enough. Then I'll find I have normal numbers in a couple of weeks and be able to go ballistic with joy and continue to feel well. Maybe even lose some more weight. I just don't want to count on that and get my hopes up too much. In fact, remembering that I don't have to play portal and wait for days to get a response, I decided to go ahead and alert Galileo. That's what they're there for. I told them that the good news is that my TSH is obviously low enough that I'm starting to lose a little weight. It's only a few pounds, but that's a lot for me. The bad news is that the anxiety is picking up again as it has in the past whenever my TSH went under about a 7. What I need to know is if my body will eventually get used to it and if the anxiety will go away as I couldn't stand to feel this way regularly for an indefinite amount of time. I like the weight loss, but definitely not the anxiety. I feel waves of adrenaline in the center of my chest and it's horrible.
I'll let you know what they say.
Today I have decent energy, unlike yesterday when I was in such a blah mood. OMG, I can't wait to get back to the beach! I need my sea, sun, sand and new toy. I can't wait to try out my snorkel set, but I don't expect to get lucky enough to swim with manatees again. Tom and I are pretty sure that was a once-in-a-lifetime experience. I'm like a flower, and when I’m on nights, I begin to wilt, so I need to get out soon. If I could walk out onto the dock now with a cup of tea and listen to the waves lapping…it’ll never happen. I'm just dreaming.
Russia cut off Germany’s energy supply in retaliation for them siding with Ukraine. Does that mean Nane will be cold this winter? I did hear the country is giving aid to its residents. Ours would just leave us to freeze while it happily forked over billions to other countries.
Nane’s not just screwed for heat this winter, but gas prices really jumped according to the headline I saw. I really think things are going to get worse and worse all around the world during the rest of our lives. I think more and more extremism is going to be part of the US. Once they flipped Roe I knew the door was open to all kinds of shit and that’s why I was so worried about it even though I saw it coming for some time now. Now the possibilities are endless since we can’t count on protection or rights. It all comes down to who’s in power.
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 8, 2022
On the way to the beach now and feeling better than I felt on Tuesday. Yesterday I had mild anxiety and today I’m just a little on edge as well.
I just hope he’s right in that I only got anxious because I was alone too much and my body is adjusting to the final ramp-up of my new dose and its new normal. At least until and if my thyroid dies some more in the future and I have to go up another dose. I decided that as long as I’m under 10, even if I’m still not normal, I’m not going up anymore.
He thinks I’ll eventually go years without anxiety, only being on edge just once in a while. I hope he’s right! For all I know, though, I just started another bad spell that could last for weeks or even months and will continue to be tormented by this shit on and off all my life. Next time I’m on nights, he’s going to sync his schedule with mine. He’s also going to make a point of not letting me have as much alone time by overlapping parts of our schedules. I still want some alone time as he understands, but this way I won’t be alone long enough for my mind to wander to all those dark places deep in the night, mostly end-of-life stuff and all the horrible possible scenarios that could play out. All those what-ifs. What if he has a stroke someday and ends up in a wheelchair and I’m unable to help and care for him properly? What if I do and then he dies and I’m unable to end it so I won’t waste away in misery in some nursing home or someplace like that?
The lack of sunlight on nights doesn’t help either, and I don’t always remember my full spectrum light.
All Galileo did was hit me with another one of their standard anxiety forms with questions and tell me they’d see what my numbers are soon and offer referrals. They never answered my question as to whether or not my body could still be getting used to the med.
Anyway, I told them to hold off on the referrals until I know if the anxiety is going to drag on or not
A couple of days ago when my HR was elevated, I took Children’s Benadryl since it was the end of my day anyway and it helped relax me and bring my HR down.
My HR spiked to 122 when I was really anxious. Again. I really, really hope I’m not just in for another long anxious spell. I think the next few weeks will tell me what I’m in for. If it is my body adjusting, I’ll be okay soon enough. If not…
Good thing I kept up with the Coq10 because my blood pressure does seem a bit better. I’ve traded in the 140s and 150s for the 120s and 130s for systolic numbers.
Said hi to Toni the other day, who said “okay” to herself as she was getting out of her SUV. How fun it would be to plant a secret recording device in her place so I could have fun listening to her talk to herself! LOL
Love my new diamond painting organizer! It’s so pretty with colorful butterflies on the outside of the case. These jars hold twice as many diamonds as the old ones, so I don’t need to put extras in bags. I also numbered the jars to keep track of the number I’m currently working on and therefore eliminating the need for several numbered “boats,” the things you pour the drills in. It also came with a little container for glue, a funnel for pouring the diamonds into the jars without spilling them all over the place, and an array of drills and other things. Wish I had this a couple of years ago! It makes things so much easier.
One of my nails is still split so I’m gonna get some nail glue. I still think it’s dip damage. I have a nail sticker on it now.
I’m also going to get some 8x8 aluminum pans used for cooking to make homemade plant humidifiers. I still have my purple acrylic rocks which I’ll align the bottoms with. Florida may be humid, but the house is desert dry. Hell, our towels dry better in the house than outside in the dryer.
We also got a Swiffer subscription so we can get one box every three months. Some things are cheaper that way. I’ll soon be creating a K-cup subscription as well.
Lastly, I decided to buy the four golf courses I never got. He has them and I could play them with him, but this way I can play them when I’m by myself and have fun hunting for more lost balls.
On the way back after less than an hour on the beach. A storm rolled in. Love my new snorkel set, though, even if it leaks a bit. The water was gorgeous. No manatees, but I saw some of those striped fish like you see in Hawaii.
The water started off relatively calm, but the approaching storm kicked up the waves. They were still tiny compared to the beaches further south.
We practically had the whole beach to ourselves. There was just one couple off in the distance with a metal detector and a lady sitting somewhat nearby that left when we did.
We wouldn’t mind going back to the beach tomorrow, except the thunderstorm we’re having now is expected to go on all through tomorrow. It’s the middle of the afternoon yet looks like dawn or twilight. I had to turn the light on when using the VR headset.
If we had more money, a pedicure once a month would be nice since two toenails have lost their polish.
The hip pain I had for a few days in my left hip is better but damn would I take pain over anxiety any day! He had worse pain, though. So much so that it made him nauseous. His sciatica was really bad.
Stopped to charge as we were cutting it a bit close and he had to pee. So while we were at Baskin-Robbins we got some hash browns and bacon. I wanted avocado toast, but they were out of avocado spread. They’re always out of something. The bacon was fine, but the hash browns weren’t that great.
Yesterday morning we got breakfast sandwiches from Wendy’s and they were so good.
Pinpoint is a great new game that VZ added where you’re dropped into a random location and you have to guess where you are. You get five rounds daily. Knowing other languages helps, too.
Had a dream I was trapped in some kind of funny farm and called the termite of all people. I didn’t say anything when she picked up but she somehow knew it was me. Instead of saying anything mean, she said she was going to help get me out. Although I noted the fact that she still loved me, I had no desire to resume any kind of relationship with her.
I also had a dream that Tom and I were staying in the second house I grew up in and were thinking of buying it.
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 9, 2022
Not understanding why the whole world is in tears over Queen Elizabeth’s death. The phony materialistic bitch had the nerve to tell everyone to be frugal during the recession while wearing millions of dollars worth of jewelry.
Having a cloudy day with some rain and my anxiety is borderline. Not enough to say I’m anxious, but not enough to say I’m calm either. It’s better than it was earlier in the day, though.
Heard the mutt a few different times. Yes, it was only a few barks per spree, but still.
I woke up a little tired because I got up to pee and couldn’t fall back to sleep. After being up for a few hours, I napped for nearly 2 hours. I slipped into another dimension (or didn’t I?) and another house we recently moved into that looked about as old as this one. The smart lights cut out a lot and frustrated me.
He was in the shower so I went to use the second bathroom which was in the garage, LOL.
Parents were still alive and a part of me wanted to call them. Not cuz I missed her but cuz I missed him.
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 10, 2022
We’re gonna be going out for pizza in the early afternoon. For now, I’m enjoying some of the new VR apps I got. They had a special for $13 where I could get the rest of the roller coasters in Epic Rollercoaster. So now I have a dozen new roller coasters. It is amazing how authentic it feels. It’s exactly like you’re on a roller coaster only without fear because you know you’re sitting safe and comfy on your living room couch. They range from about 50 miles an hour to 110 miles an hour. It really has the same dizzying effect, and even though I’m not prone to motion sickness, I can only do so many in a row or else I’ll feel nauseous.
There was also a free game where you break some girl out of prison. It’s not a regular prison, though, and it’s one of those complex games I’m not sure I can figure out.
Lastly, Ocean Rift was on sale for $7, so I got it. It’s just OK. You swim underwater with different fish and it’s educational at the same time. The only thing is that once you’ve done everything there is to do, that’s it.
On the corner down the street next to Steve is a house that had some oddly arranged statues that Tom and I got a kick out of. One of them was a duck with its beak in the crotch of a mermaid. Well, according to the group gossip, a crazy bipolar lady named Karen lives there. I guess she won’t take her meds and has caused all kinds of trouble like most of them do and has been banned from the clubhouse and pool. It isn’t the disease I have a problem with. I get that no one asks for this shit. It’s the fact that these people won’t help themselves that I have a problem with. Instead, all they do is make other people miserable.