Subtropical Lady

October 2022 (1)

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 1, 2022

The last charger, and the only one we didn’t have problems with, was the one in Zephyrhills by City Hall. It was a little stressful because we were down to 0 miles by the time we got there.

It’s great to be home! Three nights and four days is a decent amount of time for a vacation for us. Whether your place is big or small, quiet or not, there really is no place like the comfort and familiarity of home.

You would never know we had a hurricane except for the fact that the bikes got knocked over. They’re locked to a bike rack that isn’t bolted down, and the whole thing got toppled over. Everything else was fine. We’re very lucky! Had this place been demolished it not only would have been a nightmare for obvious reasons but think of all the months, if not years, we would have to spend listening to all the repairs!

We put the welcome mats, wind chimes, and yard decorations back a little while ago.

I didn’t realize it, since we don’t walk by it and see it very often, but the wooden wind chime hanging from the tree in front was partially broken, so we trashed it. I have another one on its way.

Despite all I ate, I was surprised to find myself down a few pounds.

There was a guy across the street trimming weeds from the front of the honker's place. Pretty sure it’s a guy that lives here. I’m hoping that’s a good sign that he’s not going to be back in a couple of weeks. I didn’t get that impression from Irma either when discussing the hurricane in the group. Irma and Dick are no problem, even though they talk kind of loud when sitting right outside in their lanai, but if I can get five months with the honker instead of six, I’ll take it!

Unfortunately, my ivy plant looks a little wilted and the fern doesn’t look any better either. The fittonia, petra, and bamboo are in the best condition. Expected the money tree to be completely dead, but there is still a little green left in it.

So all was great and I was getting settled in for the night. And then I saw it. The lizard that went streaking across the bedroom wall. Now, I’m not afraid of lizards and I know they're as harmless as they are cute, but the thought of it possibly crawling in my mouth or something like that in the middle of the night didn’t exactly sit well with me. So we grabbed a few bombs, set them off, and ran out to Burger King. I had some fries and chocolate chip cookies there. We spent most of the time waiting in the car in the carport since we had to be out for a couple of hours. Then we aired the place out and changed sheets since they got bombed.

I expect to be exhausted today, but I actually got good sleep. I only woke up 3 times. Once to pee and then I was coughing due to the residue of the bombs leftover in the air. Then I woke up because I forgot to close the bathroom door so the bright morning sun was shining through that window.

Today is filled with mostly writing, laundry, and a little bit of cooking and cleaning.

He bought the newest golf course. It’s in a submarine. It’s not the prettiest, but it’s still a nice course. I like most of the holes and there are some colorful parts. I’ll buy it on my headset later so that I can search for lost balls.

The paramedics came and got Toni. We saw her sitting up on a chair gurney until they transferred her to a different one, and she seemed to be coherent enough as she communicated with one of the paramedics. We couldn’t hear what was being said, but hopefully it’s nothing more than perhaps an adverse reaction to a medication. Or maybe she was worried that she might get an infection since she just had surgery. I sent her a text and let her know we were here for her if she needs anything.

The redneck was talking about adopting a dog that Toni shared a picture of from the local shelter and having to work on his girlfriend. Oh god, please, no! Listening to the one he has is enough. I don’t need to listen to two dogs.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 3, 2022

That “summer’s over” feeling is in the air now. It’s getting down to 62 degrees tonight. It shouldn’t be getting down that low until January. But hey, as I was unfortunate to learn last year, we do have winter here. It just doesn’t snow.

The storm season is over, it’s as dry as NorCal, and after they wake me up tomorrow when they come to mow, they should be down to mowing every other week.

I’m pissed about the $40 rent increase, which means we now have to pay $558 a month. But the good thing is that there’s a cap on it.

When I saw a black SUV parked in Irma’s driveway, I figured it was connected to Linda, who always, always has company. But I said “welcome back” to her anyway in the group just to see how she would respond if she responded at all. She said she wouldn’t be back until the winter, it was probably just the neighbor, and thanks for keeping an eye on her house.

So her not coming after the New Year is the norm for her. I can live with that. I just wish they didn’t return until then across the street, but I’m expecting them down by early November, if not this month.

Irma sent me a friend request, which I accepted.

After years of continuing to suffer on and off, I am seriously contemplating ending it all. I just don’t see the point of going on if I’m going to feel like shit physically or emotionally, so much of the time. I’m either anxious or I’m in pain or I’m depressed or I’m tired. Rarely do I have good days like I’m having today. I wanted to get my journal project done first so I will still aim for that. My life is pretty much over anyway. I’m just gonna do the same things almost every day for 20 years with little to no hope for any real change or surprises along the way. Once you get to be this age, not much changes. At least not for the better. Back when I was young and had dreams to strive for, they may have been silly dreams and they may have been hopeless, but they were there. I was healthier too, and let’s not forget that I could actually see without glasses. These days, I can barely see even with them.

I read that menopause symptoms, including hot flashes and emotional changes can last for 7.4 years after the last period. So I’m supposed to just sit around and let myself suffer for four more years? That’s half the time I’ve already suffered!

Reading about this gives me a faint sliver of hope but also makes me want to scream at the same time. If only I could know for sure what the cause(s) of my problems are and if they were treatable or at least if they’ll go away on their own someday and when.

Tom won’t be seeing his doctor until January. Luckily, they don’t see the need to put him on levothyroxine. They just recommend he take vitamin D a few times a week.

Ran out to the dollar store today. Perhaps we’ll go to CVS tomorrow.

The new wooden wind chime is now hanging off the tree, and the plants have their happy light. We’re gonna have it on from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM every day.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 5, 2022

I’m so pissed right now. Not only did I have a horrible night last night emotionally and wished I could drop dead but the trash/recyclers have finally switched over to the really loud trucks they used at the old place. I knew they would sooner or later too. The places I move to get noisier with time, not quieter. They woke me up twice today. I was able to go back to sleep, but still, they pick up trash twice a week here and recyclables once a week. That means I’ll be woken up three times a week just like at the old place. I doubt this is a one-time thing too.

We went to CVS yesterday and tomorrow we’ll go to Walgreens to pick up my meds.

I realized I don’t have to be so all or nothing when it comes to alcohol, and will allow myself one bottle or one 4-pack per month.

I’ve been updating Galileo on my progress physically and emotionally, and let them know that while I feel better physically, I’m still not feeling well emotionally. I got some children’s chewable magnesium that has three different types of magnesium. But I’m sure that just like clockwork lately, I will be suffering in the middle of my day, which happens to be around 10:00 PM today.

I swear the years seem to go by faster as I get older but the days themselves last longer. Whether it’s connected to hormones, the medication, or something just broke inside me, I know I’m never gonna get better. The only question is when the next calm spell will come and how long it will last.

Not knowing the causes for sure (I hope it’s mostly the hormones) as far as what’s making me feel so crappy emotionally or what to do about it is really frustrating. Knowing I’m untreatable because I can’t tolerate medication doubles that frustration. If I live, then sooner or later I’m going to be postmenopausal enough to rule that out but what if I never find the cause(s)? What if it never goes away on its own?

A part of me is tempted to do video therapy wanting to get whatever I can get for free from the fucked up government but then I hesitate because I know they can’t help me. Just like I’ve been saying for 8 years, I wouldn’t have this in the first place if something didn’t want me to suffer just like I wouldn't have this sleep curse if I was meant to make money. I just don’t know why this is happening. Is it because something up there hates me? Is it for some other reason? Am I really that bad a person that I deserve this?

And then I asked myself this...what if I had a bottle of lorazepam right now? Would I actually have the guts to down at all? There’s no doubt in my mind that if he suddenly died I wouldn’t hesitate but otherwise, I don’t know that I would have the guts to go through with it. While I'm pretty sure I'd just fall asleep and never wake up, what if I don't? I read that some people end up in a coma, and some just sleep for a long time. These fears go through my mind as to what could go wrong when I think of actually going through with it. So now I feel twice as overwhelmed and hopeless. I can’t live with this but I don’t know that I have the guts to end it either.

My worst fear is that this is just how I’ve become as an older person just like I’ve become more and more farsighted, fat, and other things. Things change for us physically when we get older and I fear that this is also the case for me emotionally. I’m afraid that I can’t get back to my old self emotionally any more than I could get back to my old self physically.

I could tell myself that this spell won’t last forever but I don’t know that I could enjoy a break when and if I could get one knowing that it would only be a matter of days, weeks, or months if I was really lucky before I was feeling like shit again. So what do I tell a therapist after I tell her that I’ve already tried everything from medication to natural supplements to meditation to tapping to all kinds of things and nothing has done me any good?

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 6, 2022

Just got back from picking up my prescription at Walgreens. The weather has been like being back in California. Very dry and not a cloud in the sky.

I went for a walk yesterday evening, and I’ll probably do it again this evening. Maybe this time I can do it without the ear-splitting barking as I walk by the lanai that’s about five or six houses down. My God, it was fucking ridiculous! Why would you even allow your dog near open windows if you knew it barked that loud? And why would you not do anything to shut it up once it got started?

This is why I worry about the day Irma and Richard stop coming down here. I know they could be replaced with shit like this. A dog with a bark that loud may not only drive me crazy while I was awake, but it could override the sound machine as well when I was sleeping.

I expected to get woken up by the trashers with their newer, louder truck but luckily, they haven’t gotten with the times just yet as the recyclers have.

First time and months we received the Hooter.

I’m a little worried about Toni. No one seems to have heard from her.

Emotionally, I was lucky to have a decent night last night. I felt good and I kept busy. One good day isn’t enough to make me think this spell is over, though.

I got some children’s chewable magnesium to help, but can’t take it until 7:30, 4 hours after taking my medication. Even if I still feel OK then, I might take it anyway. I took one yesterday 4 hours after taking my medication, and then another one a couple of hours later. Two is considered a dose.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 8, 2022

I wasn't going to do an entry today, but I might as well to kill time since I have another hour before I'm going to start reading myself to sleep. This day - or night, I should say - seems to be dragging on and on forever. I just want to get into bed and end my day already! Hasn't been as bad as last night, but still. I'm at the point where I'm wondering if I'll ever be happy again. I've at least been doing voice tweets on Twitter and that helps get things off my chest. Not very happy stuff at all, though, so I guess it's a good thing almost no one listens.

Still not sure if I want to bother with multiple Twitter accounts or not. I think one might be enough. Especially since they seem to be full of shit as far as releasing Twitter Notes to everyone. It seems to be just for journalists.

Galileo recommended some supplements for both anxiety and depression. Vitamin B complex is the most recommended thing for depression. One of the foods rich in vitamin B is eggs, so I had some earlier and that might have helped. I also had some a couple of days ago and felt better. So if I have to down eggs every day, I will. Fuck high cholesterol in that case. Again, I'm not interested in problems that have no symptoms, and personally, I don't give a shit if I die sooner than I think I'm going to. I still have a strong feeling I have a couple more decades to go, but I would rather feel good and not live as long. Emotional well-being is way more important to me than physical well-being. It may sound funny but for me personally, not feeling well emotionally is way worse than not feeling well physically. I'd rather all the pain in the world or something than the anxiety and depression I've been experiencing on and off this last month.

There's a part of me that says I really should pass on a therapist and start accepting myself as I am and learning to live with it. Just like a gay person should accept themselves as they are and not go for “conversion” therapy and shit like that, maybe my trying to run from and change the way I’m meant to be as an older person is all wrong. Sooner or later I have to get used to it, and the way to do that is to just embrace and face it. Some things are just better off left alone, like my ear should have been. Yet I am going to try some of their supplement recommendations before I resort to a therapist. I just don't know what else they could do for me that I haven't already tried. That’s why I never returned to Stacey. Also, I seem to have a problem with things only working for a while. The tapping Stacey taught me worked wonders at first, but then just like with the lorazepam, It didn't help after a while.

I read that a study conducted shows that women are happiest between ages 65-79. Oh, great, so I can suffer for another 8 years, right? I think my happiest years were in my late 30s. I had some good years in my 20s and early 40s, but my late 40s and all of my 50s so far have been pretty shitty.

I also find myself missing Aly. I really wish I could share what's going on with her. I know she doesn't mean to, but Jessie frustrates me because she doesn't remember a lot of what I tell her and she's not as intelligent as Aly was. I told Jessie I was struggling with anxiety and depression again, and she said that she hopes I get my thyroid numbers normal because that would help. I had to remind her that my numbers are normal.

I know it’s wrong of me to compare the two, but Aly would have remembered what I told her and she would have followed up that day to see how I was. Jessie waited over a day to respond to me.

I can't help but wonder about Aly. Does she somehow continue to go on? Is she aware of what's going on with me and others she knew? Is she in a better place? What would her life be like now if she was still alive? She's only been gone a year and a half but I wonder…if Cam was real, would she still be with him? Would she still be teaching? Would we ever have met?

It just seems so unfair! She didn't want to die, she just didn't want to suffer and keep having all kinds of health problems. She wanted to live. Yet here I sit with little to nothing to offer the world though I keep on living even though I've lost my zest for life. Everything is going fine in my life and I'm blessed with a loving husband yet my chemicals or hormones or whatever the fuck they are won't let me enjoy what I've got.

Regardless of how many years I have left to live, I don't think I'll ever be happy again no matter what's going on in my life. I feel like my brain is permanently broken or something. There's nothing worse than anxiety and depression. Not pain, not puking, and sometimes I wonder if not even death is worse. Not existing is better than existing with regular suffering. But I do exist and I have to live with whatever life hands me, like it or not. I would have been dead a long time ago if it wasn't for my husband. Neither of us can live forever, though, so this can't go on forever. The rest of my life, maybe, but not forever.

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