Subtropical Lady

Where Pelicans Fly
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2022-10-11 03:19:02 (UTC)

October 2022 (2)


I’m hoping that the anxiety I’ve had on and off for a little more than a month is finally over. I get the feeling that it is, but I don’t want to get my hopes up and end up jinxing myself. Whenever this spell ends, I really hope it’s another six months before the next one gets me. I’d say the odds of that aren’t in my favor, though. I’ve only had about four times where I was able to go four to six months without much anxiety. So it seems like the next time I did it would be in two years from now since I seem to average every other year. Maybe I’ll be pleasantly surprised, though, since I did well the last couple of summers.

The children's chewable magnesium tablets I got didn't seem to do anything for me, but the B-complex vitamins may actually be helping. The only side effect I noticed so far is that it might make me a little drowsy. It could all be just one big old coincidence, though. This is only the third time I’ve taken it. If it doesn’t help, then it might be time to ask my doctors about HRT.

Since I have a health Twitter account, I'm going to start using that for logging my mental and physical health rather than on a calendar because marking an ‘A’ for anxiety or a ‘D’ for depression is too vague. I'll try to remember to do it at the end of each day unless I’m feeling okay.

Had to play phone tag with my dentist yesterday. I forgot that I have to go in to sign a consent form since I won’t be able to sign it when I’m medicated. It’s going to be a bit of a long day for me today since I’ve been up since 8 PM with only a short nap along the way. Nonetheless, I am looking forward to getting out. We’re going to go to Denny’s for breakfast at around 7. Then when the office opens at 8, we’ll run over for me to sign the form.

Not the next time I sleep, but the time after that, I’ll take a Halcion. Then when I get there Thursday morning since that will be an hour before she crowns me since I’m going to have a cleaning first, I’ll take the second pill.

In a minute I’ll go look up Denny’s menu. I want something different rather than the usual steak and eggs. I know I want something with their French fries. Their fries are always good.

Doesn’t look like we’re going to make it back to the beach this week. It’s going to be a busy week, and then we have a couple of days where we might get some rain. Maybe next Monday. That’s why I’m journaling today. I don’t want to get too backed up in stuff. I think I’ll sign off for now, though, and write about my dreams later.


I was gonna save my blogging for the road on Monday, but I don’t want to get too backed up, so I’ll do some writing now. I can always read if I run out of things to write about.

Yesterday’s temporary crown was a piece of cake. Easiest crown I ever had done. I don’t know if it was the benzo talking, or if this dentist is just that good. As usual, she gave me a prescription for two Halcion (Triazolam) pills. I took one before bed the previous night, and only woke up twice instead of the usual four to six times. Then I took one an hour before the cleaning, which took place at 9. A girl I’d never met before did it, and she did a good job.

Then the girl moved me to a room they do oral surgery in. Another lady took my blood pressure with a wrist cuff monitor and found it to be too high. She said something like, “Girl, we gotta get this down.” Then the doctor took it later, and it was fine. I heard her tell someone she didn’t know I had high blood pressure.

I’m denying myself medication for things I don’t have symptoms of to help hopefully shorten my life. The longer I live, the more anxiety/depression spells I get to have. Why prolong this intermittent suffering?

I got to see Crystal, one of my favorites next to the doc, and she bent down and hugged me while I was in the chair. They all loved my latest nail design too. LOL.

The good news is that I don’t have any new cavities but the bad is that my bridge is going to need replacing. I’m not surprised because it’s about that time. Andy’s had a crown since 1995 and I guess they can live forever, but not bridges. Bridges tend to have a lifespan of 10 to 15 years and mine went on in 2012. She said something about it not being properly sealed due to gum recession that we get with age. That may explain the sensitivity I’ve had in that area at times. She said we would discuss it when I return for my next cleaning. The crown cost $1300, though Tom was expecting $1800.

It was weird because I had to sign something that I was supposed to have been too medicated to sign thus why I had to go in Tuesday to sign the consent form.

After the dentist, we went to Burger King, came home and ate while we watched our shows. I expected to be up for a few more hours, but nope. I was out cold shortly after eating.


Other than the hell the freeloaders put us through and some financial problems, I think the best years of my life were between the ages of 27 and 41. As soon as we left Oregon, things went progressively downhill with only money eventually improving.

This may sound funny and even bizarre because it’s a thought that’s come at me out of nowhere but what if? What if I’m meant to have the same amount of years on the other side of the 15 good years that aren’t so good and then that’s it? That puts me signing off at 68, but I just can’t see that. Late 70s is more likely.

It’s amazing how much 12 fewer micrograms a week can make a difference in my metabolism. I’m already noticing slight changes in my weight and my body temperature. This goes to show why it was so easy to have this shit hit the fan with an additional 84 a week. However, I haven’t fully adapted emotionally yet. Obviously, I didn’t have much anxiety when I went to the dentist because I was medicated. But yesterday I had some. If I haven’t adjusted in another couple of weeks or so, I’m going to want to drop another 88 and make it two 75s a week that I take. I would much rather be cold and struggle with my weight than feel like shit emotionally. Not all the anxiety is emotional, though, when I get waves of adrenaline in my chest.

I still worry that the anxiety and depression aren’t just the medication or menopause, but also the way I’ve evolved as an older person, which would be the worst-case scenario, of course. Medication can be adjusted. Hormones will eventually settle in. But we can’t adjust my age. Therefore, the next step is to look for a virtual therapist. If that fails to help, then I guess I graduate to a psychiatrist. If that doesn’t get me anywhere… well… I don’t want to say.

Meanwhile, I’m taking the supplements they recommended. Magnesium glycinate, Vitamin B complex, and folic acid.


So Mark died after all. He was cremated in Connecticut. I still can’t say where the hell they were living in the end. If they sold the place in Florida, then it was done privately because I can’t find any sale on it.

There were a couple of surprising things in the obit. His daughter, Stephanie, died. It had to have been some time after I was last in touch with the termite. I was unable to find any information about it. I guess she was in her early to mid-40s. A year or two before she died, she was arrested for trespassing.

Interestingly enough, his bratty stepdaughters were mentioned except for Becky. I wonder if that was intentional or an error.

So Karma is a real bitch, you termite, isn’t it? Your vindictive actions took me away from my husband for half a year, so I’m OK with you doing a good 10 to 20 in Widowland.

Seriously, she and her brood deserve all the misery they get. It’s common for spouses that have been married for many years to follow their deceased spouse to the grave shortly after they die, but I don’t see that happening.

I wasted my time leaving a nasty obit from “Bob” saying that I didn’t see why such a nice guy married such a crazy family since, after that, I read that Legacy deletes negative comments that they feel may offend the family. They’ll likely never even know about it.

Instead “Jim” left a comment saying he was sorry for their loss and told the termite he had some funny and interesting stories to share about Mark so she should check her Facebook Messenger. Also, look in her spam section if a message didn’t appear off the bat. The reason I did this is that I’m more convinced after a little test I did that the messages did go through to all the termites last year. But this way, if God forbid they all hit their spam box and none of them has checked that section, this will lead her to it. I think they did get it though, and that’s why she’s allowing public comments. I think she’s hoping to get something incriminating.

For a second, I toyed with the idea of saying I was sorry for their loss and what a wonderful book his SIL published about the family. But I don’t want them to know that I know what’s going on with them. This will be it, though. I’ve abandoned Mia’s account since I can’t delete it and won’t be checking out any of the termites ever again because there’s nothing else I care to see. I said what I had to say and that’s it. I’m not even curious about Nane anymore.


Since the 15th I've been feeling a lot more like my old self. Hopefully, most of it was just due to the med tweaking. I'm adjusting nicely to the dose decrease. Now, I just have to hope the shit doesn't hit the fan again when I'm on nights again! If it does, I’ll definitely look for a therapist to do a virtual appointment with. I’ve already got someone in mind that says they’re accepting new patients.

On the road now, this cloudy but pleasant day that’s currently 25 degrees warmer than our old place in NorCal.

I don’t know where to start, so I’ll just go through the tons of notes I’ve accumulated over the last week or so.

The same loud recycle truck came last Wednesday, and as predicted, the trash truck is now just as loud. Just like I never could understand why landscaping was done every single day at the old place and not just once a week, I don’t get why we have to have two trash pickups a week, plus the recyclers on another day. Both were picked up once a week on the same day at the old place, but at least here it will never take them four hours to do it. But now it may be a matter of time before I’m woken up three times a week just like in Cali and that’s on top of mowers, motorcycles and storms. The storms have let up for the most part till the spring, but you never know when they’re going to break out the louder mower, even if they’re now mowing every other week.

Another couple of weeks and the fucking motorcycle is back. There’s been a couple at the house behind the honker with two of them that I hope are just visiting, even though it’s not nearly as loud as the honker’s.

Speaking of the honker, he “liked” my comment saying we're okay with dogs peeing and pooping in our yard, as long as the dog isn’t allowed to bark, and the poop is picked up afterward. This was on a post by the redneck about being chewed out by some lady for letting his dog go in her yard.

The redneck finally replied to my message too. He said Happy barks all the way to the car when going to the park (yeah, I know). He apologized and said he’s working on keeping his trap shut which gets on their nerves as well. I thanked him and Happy.

Toni must be back, Tom said, because her door was open. I noticed she was online last night. Never did respond to my text but as the redneck shows, sometimes it takes people a while to get back to you.

If we can never live at the beach where a little noise would be worth it, I wish we could get an acre or two of land in Brooksville so loud vehicles and mowers wouldn’t be so close. In Brooksville, we couldn’t go to the beach as often, but we’d be even safer from hurricanes and closer to Jessie.

I just want to be under a higher flight path someday! There’s no avoiding small planes and helicopters but I’m really, really sick of hearing dozens of commercials a day, even if they’re not quite as loud as in CH.

We went walking before the sun came up a few days ago and it was gorgeous save for the planes and me having to gag on cigarette smoke twice during the walk. It was still great exercise that I wish I could get every day. It’s hard here, though. Either it’s too hot, too humid, or my only other alternative for getting steps is our boring treadmill. Hitting the road in VZ counts as steps, though, because you have to wave your arms to move the board.

I feel kind of bad for our neighbor down the street. I don’t know his name, but I saw a trike for sale for $250 in his driveway and since I’ve been wanting one, I asked if he’d accept $175 for it. He said he would and let me test-ride it. Not having any money on me, I told him I would be back with my husband. Well, I never did go back. Not only did Tom feel that was too much for a used trike, I really didn’t like the feel of it after all, the more I thought about it. It just handled funny and almost felt wobbly. It didn’t make turns as easily as you would think a balanced bike would. It was heavy as hell, too.

Well, that wasn’t much fun. We’re leaving the beach now because it got windy and rainy and the water was chilly. It was low tide, so even if it was warm, we’d be walking on that yucky, muddy grassy part for quite a while just to get over our heads. But because it was chilly, we may not return till March or April. Wish we lived in the Keys! It was still worth the 5 bucks to get out.

Interesting mix of homes close to the beach, I must say. Some look typical of what you’d see in warm climates while others are huge and much like you’d find in New England.

On the way to the charger now and then to grab something from Burger King to take home.

It’s raining steadily now, so the car windows are getting a free bath.

Finished watching a short series called The Watcher. It was great even if the ending leaves you with a bunch of unanswered questions.

Got a $25 gift certificate for Amazon from Galileo for doing a quick survey.

I enabled the hand tracking in VR but I’m used to the controls and find that easier.

Every three months he gets $80 worth of free healthcare-related stuff from Medicare. He got alcohol, Q tips, cotton balls, Tums, mouthwash, lotion, hand soap, and the folic acid Galileo recommended I take. He got other things too.

Thursday, he’s getting triple-vaxed. Flu, covid and pneumonia.

To my surprise, Arteaga replied to one of my comments. She posted pics of her and her kids at a pumpkin patch. I asked where it was and she told me it was in Loomis.

I was really into watching reels for a while on Facebook but stopped. Seeing animals kill other animals and people fighting disturbs me. I reported a fistfight, but they said it didn't violate their rules. So let me get this straight… I can’t refer to a Jew-hating Muslim as a “fucking Muslim” but you can post all the violence you want? Then why have an option to report violence on their complaint form?

I created a Facebook account to establish and eventually pick on the termites. I was going to post my last letter to them in case they never got it, then react to one of their posts to draw their attention to it. The account was in a bogus name. Then I read that even though people do it all the time, creating a fake profile could actually get you arrested so I deleted it. Leave it to me to be that one in a million to get busted for it too.

Before I deleted it, I left Maliheh a message saying I loved Evil Amongst the Evergreens. The idea was to make her wonder if I used her name after all in hopes it’d prompt her to find out by downloading a copy or at least get someone else to get a copy. No downloads, though.

We went to Denny’s a few mornings ago. The waitress was nice and the music wasn’t blasting but it was annoying. At least it masked his gross lip-smacking. The food was great. I was gonna get salmon but opted for chocolate chip pancakes instead. I had bacon, eggs and fries with it.

Got some patchouli incense. I missed that sharp, woodsy smell I always loved.

He got a new drive for his horse data, but I still say that’s just a dream. It’s never going to win us anything on a daily basis, as he believes it will.

My gums are a little achy where my temporary crown is. Ten more days.

Loving the Moroccan mint tea tree I’ve got hanging in the car. I bought the same variety pack I got for my office a while back. The cherry blossom one lost its smell so I switched it on our way out.

I haven’t been doing the greatest job documenting my dreams, but I did have one where I was riding in a driverless electric car all by myself. The only problem was I kept forgetting the address to tell it to take me to.

Then there were the hotel confusion dreams. I was taking the elevator in a high-rise hotel and I couldn’t remember the floor we were on or I kept getting off on the wrong floor when I did remember it.

I also dreamed that we were either about to move, or I sure thought we were going to because I was describing houses I was seeing in dreams to Tom that I believed were signs.

The weirdest dream was of the pictures that I used to have and communicate with. Only they weren’t in picture form but person form. So even though they looked like the celebrities I was into, they were actually whatever entities resided within them.


My number one fantasy is still that soundproof high rise overlooking the ocean. Number two would be a house on or near the beach. It’s the third one that’s most likely to become a reality if we ever move. That’s returning to having a little breathing room around us. If so many vehicles weren’t so damn loud then it wouldn’t matter if we were in a community as long as we weren’t next to someone that let their dog bark constantly or that did loud projects all the time. This place is still nowhere near as bad as the other place but it's going to catch up eventually. Mowers didn’t come right up to the window in the old place as they do here, and now they’ve switched to the more modern and louder trash and recycle trucks. Next, I have to hope they don’t build anything behind us.

I thought Brooksville was gorgeous when I rode through it in VR and would love it if mowers and vehicles couldn’t get as close to the house. It would have its pros and cons, as with any place. As long as dogs were treated as pets and we didn’t have hours of barking that we could hear inside the house every single day, I think I would like it better. We would be 13 or more miles further from Tampa Airport, which raises the flight path. We could put up a plastic pool or maybe plant vegetables if we had some space around us. The only negatives are that we would be further from the beach and it might be a little colder.

The question is whether or not he would be into the idea of going rural again if it ever became a possibility. My logical side still says it won’t, and that this is it. It would be far from the end of the world, though, if this was it. If I suddenly knew that it was, I wouldn’t shed a tear. But if I had known that it was at the other place, I would want to beat my head into the wall.

Living near Jessie is still a nice option to consider as well if we chose to remain in communities and as long as it wasn’t too close to Cape Canaveral.

Woke up at 160 pounds for the first time in weeks now that I’m hypo again. He thinks I’m still normal, but I don’t see how I could be because normal just doesn’t feel this good. I’ve felt much better physically and emotionally. And then there’s the weight gain. Plus, I’ve learned that it doesn’t take much to make a huge difference either way when it comes to this drug. So that’s another thing Ostrander got wrong when she was trying to convince me I would be okay going up to 88 micrograms. She tried to tell me that if you threw a salt tablet in the ocean you wouldn’t notice it and that’s why I’d be fine. Yeah, well, I really noticed those 12 extra micrograms a week so of course 84 was more than noticeable. I’ve heard others tell me that just one point in their TSH can make a difference in how they feel. I didn’t get that back then, but I definitely get it now. Either way, I don’t think I’m that hypo. I’m probably a 5-6, but again, that’s all it takes to notice changes. Even 3-4 would be noticeable.

I’m glad we kept the Bowflex after all. It not only makes it easier to work my abs on the bench, but it’s great for stretching my hips as well. I can sit on the bench and bend my knee so that my foot is next to my butt so I stretch the joint by turning my thigh inward. Then I sit facing the length of the bench and put my foot in front of me with my knee bent and this way I turn my thigh outward as well. This is much easier to do on a firm surface as opposed to the edge of a couch or bed. It even makes doing my lunges easier. This way I’m stretching the joint in four different directions. I don’t know if it’ll do me much good since I’m still heavy, but it should help.

Saw some people parasurfing on our way to and from the beach and it looks so cool! I guess you need to be pretty heavy, as in 200 pounds or more, otherwise it can lift you up. Well, I’m nowhere near 200 pounds, so it probably wouldn’t be a good idea for me. I’d like to try parasailing someday, though.

I was telling Tom that I wouldn’t mind knowing some things as far as the future goes since I spent nearly 57 years not knowing. I wouldn’t mind knowing how much longer I’m going to live and if we’ll live in this house for the rest of our lives or not. He said he wouldn't want to know because if he knew he had only so much time to live, he may be tempted to do some crazy things. Things that could mame him.

Took a break from working on this entry so we could golf. I’ve been beating him more often, but he still usually wins. I guess he’s OK after all since he said he was feeling hot earlier and his vitamins were making him feel rundown. I just worry about how he may feel getting triple-vaxed. I’ll be asleep when he’s out, as usual.

Am I making a mistake by not getting the flu and covid shots (I already had the pneumonia shot)? Probably not. I’ve got a tough immune system and I’m not around many people so I don’t see the point of dealing with nasty side effects.


I can’t believe there’s a bill about to be introduced to ban public drag performances, even though I can believe it at the same time. But still, they wouldn’t do this shit 50 years ago. It really is a little scary to see this country step back into the Dark Ages with its attack on women and now the gays too, and I have to live in this twisted world for another 20 years.

I hate to say it, but sometimes I wish I would get a deadly disease. Like now, and not in 20 years. Most of the reason I feel that way, though, is because of the intermittent anxiety. I didn’t feel as calm yesterday as I did the previous few days. But today I feel OK. I’m just tired. I stupidly turned the sound machine off, thinking I was getting up then. But then I drifted off and the fucking recycle truck woke me up. But I could tell that even with the sound machine blasting, we’re still gonna have to get out of here if we can ever afford to and get some space around us. I don’t see how I’m going to be able to sleep on recycling and trash days from now on.

So I’ve been tired today. Too tired to work out or bother with making the therapist appointment, although I did stretch my hips and do a little cleaning and cooking. Tom was kind enough to go out and get us breakfast from Wendy’s this morning and pick up my low-sodium Viennas at the dollar store.

Just when I was thinking, they might be visiting, after all, because I didn’t hear it for a day or two, one of the motorcycles came and went today that’s behind the honker. Even though it wouldn’t wake me up, it’s almost as annoying because the assholes sit there with it running for 10 minutes before they actually take off. In fact, after sitting still for a few hours, they just turned it on, revved it a bit, and then turned it off. OK, what is the fucking point of doing this???

Looks like the other one was pulled out from deep in the carport, and then they had to play the game of rev it up and get attention before taking off. When Tom goes out for his walk early in the morning, he’ll glance into the carport and see what he can see. He thinks they’re visiting, but I’m starting to think they live here.

Having a cold snap as we wait for Walmart who just can’t seem to get their shit together as well as they could in Citrus Heights. Neither of us wishes to return to the days of doing our own shopping. He says I’m “hell” to shop with because I’m an impulse shopper, lol, and I say I don’t want to get my ears blasted with unwanted music while I shop and struggle to hear my soft-spoken husband while I’m at it.

We’ve got the heat set to come on at 68 tonight, figuring it would be nice to run the heat before they come and inspect the AC to make sure everything’s running properly, as they’re going to do every six months. They’re coming out on the 25th. I don’t know that it will get cold enough in here to trigger it, but we’ll see. It’s getting down to the 40s tonight, which is absolutely ridiculous. It’s just not what I think of when I think of Florida. It’s not even November yet. But here I am in long sleeves and slippers and I’m going to be that way for the better part of the next half a year or so, especially early in the morning.

Walmart finally came and almost left without giving us our frozen stuff. They gave us an extra bag of cheesy bagels and charged us for it too. I fucking hate it when they do that. Every now and then the sneaky bastards will double the quantity on something, assume you won’t complain about it if it’s just once in a while, and then they get to make a little extra money.

I wonder if StatCounter might have been hacked because of the way I went to check my visitor log, and it said I don’t have permission to view it. I contacted a guy who’s helped me before, and he said that it looks like someone else deleted them, but I’m the only one that has access to the account. If they weren’t hacked, then somebody there must have messed up (not that he’d admit that). He gave me a new code to use and it's working fine.

I still have achiness around my temp crown, and I really hope that it’s resolved with the permanent one.

Love the new application background colors in Word! You see a hint of color based on the colors of your wallpaper.

Since we already spent money on planters we ordered some seeds. One has cactus seeds, another has pink cosmos seeds, and another has a mix of herbs.

I’m proud of myself for finally having a brave moment. I’d been itching to leave a comment on that obit. For the longest time, I’ve been afraid to do much and then I finally asked myself, what am I afraid of? They didn’t even think twice when they harassed and stalked me. Plus, it’s not like I would be breaking any laws as they did by threatening anyone. I couldn’t resist saying, “So sad. Heard his SIL is publishing a book about the family. Can’t wait to read it!”


I don’t know how often they check the comments, though. His memorial service is in a couple of days. I’m starting to think the termite did move back to Connecticut. Her brats are still down here, though, from what I can tell.

In the park group, I wrote: If this park must allow motorcycles - and I don't think they should as they are ghastly loud whether it's night or day - I really wish people would just get on them and go. Not sit and rev the damn things for 15 minutes at a time.

Someone “liked” it and another person left a comment of understanding.

Redneck’s GF said: Wow! Maybe you need to turn your TV up. You seem to be annoyed by every noise outside.

My reply to her was: I just heard your toilet flush. Oh, my god, that's so annoying! Please don't flush that thing again.

Wait. Every single noise? What else does she think annoys me besides the dog? Has she found and been reading my blog somewhere?


I'm still going back and forth on getting a therapist. When I feel anxious or depressed, it's easy to want to run to one. When I feel better, it's easy to tell myself that they wouldn't be much help anyway since they can't stop those feelings from coming or provide me with an off switch when they do. It's just that I've already been to the therapist and shrinks, and I've already tried a million things, so it's hard to believe there are any more tricks up anyone's sleeves that I haven't already heard of.

I posted in the park group yesterday how annoyed I was by gunning motorcycle engines. And as expected, a few agreed and understood while others could barely handle my complaint. As is my rule these days, I refuse to be the silent minority and keep quiet just because most people don’t agree with it and don’t wanna hear it. If you’re gonna get into a frenzy over a complaint or a belief or an opinion, then you shouldn’t be online.

I thought Jim would want to lynch me for it, but he said not to let them get to me. Oh, I won’t. So then the honker left a post… He always putt-putts through the park out of respect for his neighbors, people should go to the source and not take their complaints onto social media, he considers himself relatively young and in good shape and always willing to lend a helping hand when needed, he’s open to conversations of all kinds and can be approached with whatever issue and not to be shy.

So I decided to DM him. I congratulated him on his marriage and did acknowledge the fact that he is respectful in that he doesn't sit there gunning his motorcycle. I also explained why loud sounds were rough on me and gave him a quick crash course on circadian rhythm disorder. Then I asked if there was any way he could give me a heads up in Messenger when he planned to use the motorcycle the following day so I could turn up the volume on the sound machine when I was sleeping during that time but I haven’t heard back from him yet. Depending on his reply - if he replies - it will tell me how big of a hypocrite he is or isn’t.

Either way, it sucks to know he’s coming down at the end of the month. He said he can't wait to see his southern friends. I was really hoping he wouldn’t get here till November like last year. More than likely, though, I'm stuck with him and his honking and Harley until mid-April.

I can’t wait till we move – if we ever do – to share the link to my journal and see how many hits I get – hee-hee!

Or not. The honker is surprisingly nice so if I'm going to end up friends with anyone here then I’m not going to share the journal link. If you’re on my Facebook friend list, then you don’t get access to my journal unless I met you on a writing site to begin with.

He sent me a friend request. Then he replied to my message saying he would do his best but doesn’t always know his exit and return. Then he asked if it would help if he headed in a specific direction. I told him direction didn’t matter and thanked him for understanding.

Turns out he’s a retired cop which doesn’t surprise me. Hell, he looks like a cop. He said he understands how hard it must be on me because he had to do shift work at one point and he lives near a school.

His new wife is Kari, not Carrie.