༺ ♡.PINKY.♡ ༻

Ramblings, Stories, Fantasies
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2021-02-19 22:54:43 (UTC)

What is Love......

Slept off and on throughout the day.
Tired.
Still have the shakes going on.
Seriously think having a drink would help, but that’s delusional thinking. Cravings are out of this world.

Made dinner. Cooked chicken patty sammaches, corn dogs, chocolate chip biscuits with icing, hot turkey and cheese sammach on toast, and pepperoni pizza.

Drinking some juice at the moment.

Head is doing it’s usual bullshit.

I do think once I’m home, I’m going to break out the old bag of medication and give it a hit or two. If I don’t, I’m a bit nervous of what I may end up doing because the attacks are not letting up. My brain is on overload.

I felt even more like an idiot when I got a two line email back from Penny. I missed an appointment today, and Stacy never called me back and I called her 3 times today. And people wonder why I end up going solo on everything. Even called DD1, left a voicemail, and still nothing back from him either. No snap, no reply text, nodda. It’s cool.
I have myself. I will be my own shrink. Convince myself to start grabbing the bigger stones and keep building.

I sat here today and realized, I truly love, with this shattered heart of mine, without hesitation. I absorb it like a sponge.
My issue, is believing and accepting “love” from others. I can hear it being spoken to me, but have no belief in it.
Not sure why.
I wouldn’t even know how to tell if they truly ment it or not at this point. I just assume, it’s just words they think I wanna hear so they say it.
My kids, can say all day long I love you, and I don’t truly believe it. Sometimes I laugh.
To me, love is shown in many ways.
I show I love, not just my words.
I give my time, my energy, my good intentions, always asking what can I do for the person, always sit and listen with an open heart, and make them feel they are important.....because to me, they are. I don’t have very many people in my life, so it’s easy to give that true genuine love, not the “habit love”.

For some reason, I don’t feel whole. I don’t feel complete. I still feel as if I left this world tomorrow, there would be maybe three people who truly would grieve and mourn my existence. Those three, I believe, truly love me from their hearts.

I admit, I’m a mess more than usual.
But in 30 days, I’ve allowed 3 new doctors into my little world. I leave my home overnight, I lost my brother, my mom, I’ve jumped in drowning into a new possible relationship, walked away from an abusive relationship, one I thought would last, and I honestly, despite the abuse, didn’t want out of at moments and the rest of the time wished I was dead to be out of it.
No matter what perspired, I believed, he was a good man. I still believe it. I don’t know how to not believe it. Yes, he was abusing me, not physically. Yes, he felt he was always “god”. He could do no wrong. He has an extremely dark side. He lied, manipulated me because of parts of my life he knew of, and used that to his advantage. But, sadly, I still see that man I met, the one prior to us meeting in person. The man who called and text a shitload just to say, I’m thinking of you, how ya doing today, wish I was there, I’d come help you, just always made that effort. There wasn’t an hour go by I didn’t get something. It made me feel important. Like I mattered. Doesn’t that make everyone feel that way? I’m sure some feel smothered.....but, not me. I lacked that my whole childhood....I’m upset it was just a ploy, a plot, hard to believe it was, but musta been. He mistrusted me. Even tho we were on the video calls even all night as we both slept, he mistrusted me. He started changing, and I started to show him in return, the things he was doing to me....the questioning, the doubt, etc, and he didn’t like it, made things worse. Not sure what I woulda done differently. I gave and gave and gave. I had nothing left to give. I was beat. I was broken beyond fixing. I wanted to be dead. I no longer looked at him in a good way, I looked at him in disgust.....hatred.....anger......bitterness......I knew, there was no fixing things. The first big break up we had, I cried, I was willing to change anything and everything. The second big break up, I was angry, I was hurtfully honest. The third, was the final. I had no more fight left. Neither did he. He was looking for reasons to get out long before I was. He stayed because he knew what I would give. He knew, I was an idiot. I was just someone to fill a voided lonely time in his life. I know this. I was used to pass that empty point in his life. As soon as he had things to fill his day, I was pushed to the side, shuffled under the rug, and he hoped I would sit and wait till he needed me again later down the road. There were no compromises. It was his way, or no way. Even when I said no. I’d say I was tired, I was in pain....didn’t matter. He wanted, he got. He knew, I wouldn’t fight. I don’t fight.
I guess that’s why loss, isn’t really a thing much in my life. I’ve been so accustomed to feeling lost, I don’t know anything different.
I know what my heart truly wants.
I don’t think it’s possible.
I doubt, it will ever happen.
This is reality.....not some skittles made world of rainbows, gummy bears and fairies.

And again, I ramble. I talk in circles. I talk, too much, and give out too much insight on myself for others to use against me.

*shrug*

I know P.I.P. loves me and cares for me. Why? I couldn’t answer that. How do I know? He’s consistent. He shows he cares everyday. There’s not a day that goes by he doesn’t call. Not a day goes by he doesn’t text. He observes. If he doesn’t hear from me in 3 days, he does what most do, call a well check and freak out. I don’t what I did. No clue. But we been best friends and family 16 years. I don’t ever see that changing. I’ve been angry at him. Sometimes, he crosses a line. But it’s not deliberately to piss me off. It’s because he does genuinely love and care for me and is lost sometimes on what route to go.

On a call, so can’t multitask....so will close here.

💋Pinky


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