big fat gurl
How I got fat
Slowly growing up and OUT
Refer to the first post for this one.
My brain bounces back and forth sometimes.
She was mean and hurtful and then I found what hurt her and used it against her.
We both went to far. Her emotional and verbal abuse was usually private.
My retribution was public and was too much.
Now I know what I didn’t know then and that is she started her revenge by being nice to me. I was young and didn’t know how people could think ahead and deceive.
She was nice and thing settled into a comfortable normalness.
For my birthday she got me a pendant and my favorite candy. Reeses.
I will always be a slave to those.
It was simple. Just a 4 pack.
Then days later she offered me another 4 pack. Some days it was a 2 pack, others a small bag of minis. When she had to babysit me we almost always watched a movie and I sat there and unwrapped the fun sized ones until I felt sick. Road trips with mom… same thing.
I’m not sure when or how but at some point she introduced me to brownie mixes. Not brownies. And even today it’s a cheap go to when I need a fix.
One brownie mix, no eggs, extra oil. Stir till smooth and then pop it into the freezer for an hour. I guess…. Frozen brownies? The opposite of brownies.
During the school week always extra in my lunch and dinner and snacks. All delivered with a smile or hug or niceness that I believed was true.
The first time I recall my weight being pointed out to me was when I was 10. I wanted to play soccer and had to have a physical. I was over 90 lbs.
I didn’t even know what that meant BUT, I knew what it meant when the nurse said I needed to stop eating candy and eat real food.
She hurt my feelings when she talked about being overweight.
She chastised me and preached about eating better and getting more exercise. I cried. Such a baby.
This is when I became really aware and sensitive about my body and weight. At 10 no one really seemed to notice that I was a little chubby. I don’t even think I was chubby. At that age we are just supposed to play and not think. Just play and have fun.
I remember this because a nine and a size are exactly the same but on of them is upside down. Now I know that my BMI put me in the overweight category. Then I just knew a had a roll over my waistband and my favorite clothes were tight or too small.
I also remember 13. Being 13 is the first teen number and a huge deal. She graduated high school and only came back to stay on weekends and long holidays.
I guess I was hitting around 140-150 then. BMI was on the upper end of overweight and flirting with obese.
At least I had boobs?
Middle school was unkind. Subtle teasing and word games. Sometimes not subtle at all. Sometime between 13 and 14…. Maybe 15? During this time the weight seemed to just grow in my sleep.
By this time I was beyond what she weighed when we fought and I was still blind as to why this was happening. Yeah I know , “duh, its happening because you eat too much”
With high school on the horizon I tried to lose and get in shape because I wanted to be asked out.
I got asked out some. Always the nice but not too popular boys.