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Ramblings & RL Stories
Ad 2:
2021-02-19 09:46:46 (UTC)

Completely Exhausted

Had 2 hours of a panic/anxiety attack
An hour break
And the attacks start again,
First sign, shaking....always the head first.
Wonder if it’s my MPD?

Got laundry finished, dusted the whole place, folded and hung up clothes, went for a smoke, cried, took my medications, and I’m completely drained and exhausted. Physically, I ache like a son of a butch. Can’t get over the exhausted feeling. I have tingling in my left side. My arm, legs, and foot all tingle.

I really don’t want to talk right now. I just wanna sleep. I want a deep solid sleep.

I want to scream right now. I want to scream my feelings to someone, but my gut tells me, he won’t accept it, doesn’t want to hear it.

Every time I say something nice to him, I get an answer back that triggers me. That half ass tone of “yeah” “miss ya too” said almost as if it’s forced, said because he feels he has to. Why say it at all? Makes me want to stop saying things. It’s a trigger. I feel inadequate right now. I feel like I’m failing to help. And when I start feeling like this the feelings just start to snowball.

I’m not as out of control mentally as I was earlier. I think it’s because I’m drained.

Another trigger I have is when people come up behind me. I instantly have this over consumed fear that just takes over and I want to run and hide for protection. I’m not sure where that comes from. I can’t stand people being close to me either. I don’t like shaking hands. Even before COVID, I was wearing gloves or using hand cleaner every 30 minutes or so, or every time I touched something.

I will have to pick up later.
I’m on complete drain mode.