༺ ♡.PINKY.♡ ༻

Ramblings, Stories, Fantasies
Ad 2:
2021-02-19 08:34:41 (UTC)

I’m back

I go outside to have a 1=2 a cigarette and smell that smell, not cigarette smell, but a medical smell.
I’m not an avid smoker of that but think it might help

I realize I’m scared of a ton of things right now
I’m scared of myself
I’m scared of my feelings
I’m scared of who I will change into if IF I ever heal
I have no faith in myself
I want to be there to help everyone but fear I’m making things worse
I’m scared to trust
I’m scared of my own judgement
I’m scared to fail
I’m scared to hurt people

I’ve had so much change in 30 days it’s too much to comprehend or take in mentally
I’ve added three doctors to my list that I need to trust and that’s the hardest thing on the planet for me
I have a good wonderful man in my life that I’m terrified of, not physically but mentally. Just because my last one played the cards like a pro card player and I was a fool and got hurt and my son got hurt and that right there makes me feel more than shitty because I want to shelter my boy from pain. I’m used to it. I expect it. Wrong of me? I mentally know, it’s going to happen. I mentally tell myself things so I’m prepared for that hurt, that pain.
I want, to let the good feelings take over but seem to be hung up somewhere.
I don’t want to lose what I think I have.

I still try to see the good even after being hurt. I am just wired that way.

I’m angry at Indio for taking advantage of me
I’m angry at myself for letting it happen
I’m angry I had poor judgment and trusted the wrong person
I’m angry I can’t mourn the loss of family that I’ve lost this past year time frame
I’m angry I will never be able to tell my mother to her face that I hate her
I am angry I carry that hate, I shouldn’t
I’m angry at limp for trading me in because of my health issues. He used it against me. And it’s something I can’t control nor fix and have to live with daily.
I’m angry at K for the devastating pain he caused me in every aspects of my soul mind and body
I’m angry the system doesn’t help victims we just get laughed at and ignored
I’m angry at myself that it happened that I couldn’t defend or protect myself that I didn’t win the fight so feel like a failure
I’m angry at my father and can’t even find the words for why I’m angry at him
I’m angry I couldn’t be there for my brother and feel like I should have been
I’m angry I have children who absolutely hate me and will never forgive me nor realize I did the best I could
I’m angry they keep my grandkids away from me
I’m angry that I love and hate some of my children
I’m angry that I feel love, something I wasn’t expecting to happen but did
I’m angry that I feel like I can’t help him get through the pain he’s feeling
I’m angry at her for helping in that fucking mind game she played to help in the pain he’s feeling
I’m angry I can’t take that pain away from him
I’m angry I’m not me right now that I’m struggling and it’s embarrassing
I’m angry at my health issues that I can’t change and can’t seem to accept because it’s embarrassing
I’m angry I feel weak and struggle with my urges

Stop here for bathroom smoke and coffee
Scared this is going to push people away from me, but I have to do this or I’m going to completely crack