༺ ♡.PINKY.♡ ༻
Ramblings & RL Stories
Apologize in advance
Going to be raw, unordered, random
But doing my best to push through
Emailed JL and Penny, didn’t wanna email penny, but pushed send before I could change my mind
I personally feel like I’m having a mental breakdown
I feel like I’m seriously going crazy
I have fear of asking for help through it for many reasons
Don’t want to be judged
Fear of being put in a padded cell
Fear of admitting in the end what the hell is going on
Fear of who can I really trust to get me through this
Fear I’m seriously going crazy or truly having a breakdown
I’m having anger build like crazy and that scares the ever living fuck outa me. Last time I felt anger I almost killed someone by a pure accident so I carry that guilt and since I was 24 when it happened I have refrained myself from showing any anger at all and focused on taking that anger out on myself in the form of paintings instead of hurting someone else mentally, emotionally, or physically. I can hurt myself a whole lot easier. I’m used to hurt. It’s a foundation of who I am from age 2 and that will more than likely never change.
I’m writing to try and figure out what the fuck is going on with me.
I’m to the point of when I start talking to someone I get this overwhelming feeling of fear all of a sudden and notice I start studdering my words because my head feels like it’s going to explode and I’m consumed with this fear of saying something wrong or stupid
I’m feeling like a complete fuck up right now
I been dealing with this since Tuesday and it’s getting worse
My panic attacks are as soon as I wake up and gets worse by the minute for about 2 hours then I get drained or cried so much my eyes are swollen shut
I can’t figure out what’s causing the panic attacks and the fear
I need to be strong right now and I feel like I’m failing at it
I don’t completely understand.....I’m wired wrong, I’ve had so much loss in my life I’m accustomed to it, numb to it.....I do have a few times I just thought I’d never get through it. So I do understand the feelings someone’s going through. I feel like a failure I don’t know how to help and can I truly help when I’m such a fucking mess right now myself
(No school today is verified)
I have this fear, major fear, I can’t figure it all out.
I know fear of getting used or played or emotionally fucked or heartbroken lingers
I know fear about my anger lingers
I know fear of feeling stupid and like a complete fuck up lingers
I know fear of being a burden lingers
I know fear of my inability to fight my “urges” lingers
Fear of who I may hurt, disappoint, piss off lingers
I never want to cause pain struggle anger etc for anyone
I want to paint
I want to bottle up
I want to stop my head right now
It’s so full I can’t even grab the little pebble in there because it’s all crammed so tight and full I can’t get a good grasp to pull a single pebble out
Make sense? Or do I sound twice as stupid as I feel right now?
Go ahead, say it, I’m crazy, fucked up, etc...
I can say it for you.
I’m not shallow.
I’m not scared to say all the negative things about me. I could probably list more than you can. That’s not something I fear.
I seem to fear the opposite feelings. The fear of feeling love, unconditional love, that love where you pretty much worship the person, that’s bad to say but have no other wording for it.
I don’t want that feeling. I’m sure the other person doesn’t want me to feel that way. How do I change it
How do I change myself
Seems like everythtime I try I end up with a bigger heart than I have now and that just ends up getting more broken every time
I get that’s part of life
That’s part of growth
But fuck...I need a break to grab some of those shattered pieces and try to glue them together because I am starting to feel so shattered and broken that the best thing to do is sweep it up and throw it in the trash
I need to find something to help with my painting urges
I don’t feel anything physically from it as it’s happening but after is what I feel
I like feeling that physical pain
That deep burning pain
I touch it after a day of healing that pain gives me like an instant high in my brain and my brain feels so clear for a moment
I tried ice, doesn’t work
I tried the hair tie it doesn’t work
You’d think with all the physical pain from my body naturally that I can’t seem to control or handle I wouldn’t want anymore pain
Maybe it’s a control issue
I’m the worst shrink for myself
I will run myself into circles
Right now I’m not even caring how crazy this all sounds
Just hope it helps
And right now it’s keeping me from my urges that are really wanting to take over
I feel that need and when I don’t act on it my anxiety increases and I get more overwhelmed because I’m not doing what I need to feel a little release even if it’s a few minutes of released
Will post here I neeed a smoke and bath room break and will continue when I get back if my head starts feeling like I’m literally going to bash my head into the wall because I can visualize me actually slamming my head till it splits open and everything pours out